they are my life...

sometimes i get into a funk.  different reasons, different funks.  i'm creating today and was having a hard time really getting into it.  i started looking at pictures to print and pretty soon, i'm crying and laughing at the same time.  you guys may not see the humor here, but these little freaks bring me so much joy.  i sat them down last winter to take a few pictures to finish up a project.  what i got was pictures of one child who was higher than an effing kite, one who was perfect and one that was buttah, he was on such a roll.  i'll let you figure out who was what.  bottom line:  these little fuckers bring me so many emotions.  sadness, stress, elation, anger, frustration, happiness, worry...but most of all joy.  pure, unadulterated, overflowing, gushing joy.

i fucking love you guys.
thank you so much, for you.

pert near time to shit, or get.

lots to process these days.

big changes are looming, decisions to make, paths to take...it's time to at least pretend like i'm a grown-up for awhile.

*sigh*

divorce papers are signed - after 7 years.  hell, after 20 years - it was a long road, rewarding in so many ways.  no regrets.  we have now each retreated to our corners and are taking a breath.  we are still partners in parenting and we are - amazingly - friends.  seems we have always been headed in two different directions...and now we find that, finally, it works.

i have so many decisions to make and i find that all i want to do is run away.  from everything.  i can't breathe here, i need to breathe.  i'm circling - shit, i'm balls out spinning - around and around.  don't know where to stop, don't know where to start.  i have people depending upon me, depending upon the decisions i make.  i don't want to make any of them, i just want to fade out.  i have people counting on me to do the things that are right for them.  i've rarely ever done the right thing.  and now, it appears that it's really important. totally fucking sucks. (she says in her new grown-up, responsibility-laden voice).

it's changing me. i feel it, from the inside.  it's frightening because i have no idea what the result will be. truly...none.  for such a long time, i've just ambled along just doing my thing.  going where i'm supposed to go, doing what i'm supposed to do, then making the time to do what i wanted. what if i no longer know what i want?  what if i never really did?  i stop, step back and take a look at shawna and wonder what the fuck her life is even about now.

i dig me, i just confuse the shit outta me.  i make things so much harder than they need to be.  it's a great time in my life...i'm starting to feel the freedoms that come when your kids branch off and start to do their own things.  one kid is moved on to do his own grown-up thing.  i feel for him...i remember when i first became aware of real responsibility.  i remember wanting to run back home, dive behind my mom and say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?".  i feel for him because he is in such a hurry to get moving in his life - we always are.  i get it, but i still feel pangs of sadness for what lies ahead of him. having to back away from mama-bear mode is very hard for me.  i know he has mistakes to make, i know he may fall.  i believe he is strong enough to get back up and straighten the shit out, but it still frightens me.  another kid seems to be growing emotionally right before my eyes.  it may be a temporary thing, but what i am seeing is helping to ease some of the stress.  thank God.  yet a third kid is beginning a whole new chapter in her life these days.  she too, is growing before my eyes - here it is more of a physical/mental thing.  she is growing but she is just now entering a whole new realm of reality for all of us:  a teen-aged daughter/sister/creature-with-snake-hair/whatever thing.  she will change each and every one of us, in one way or another.

i am at a crossroads.  a natural one, i get that, but no less frightening than any other has been for me.  i just don't do change well...looking back into the past on some of the biggest changes that have occurred in my life, i realize that i have rarely handled them well, emotionally.  i realize that after the dust settles, i tend to flail about for a good while longer.  trying to find *my* ground.  sometimes it takes awhile.   i will see to it that the things that need to be taken care of, are...but won't be surprised if i wander off in my head afterwards to sort it all out.

baby steps.  fuck this day-at-a-time crap.  i WANT to take it one bottle at a time, but even *I* know that isn't the way to handle things.  :)

how about we do this one hour at a time. i think i can do that.

all kindsa fucked up.

i was told last week that i was to not blog about what's been going on in my life.  it's private, shawna...keep it that way.  know what?  this is me...giving a shit about what you think.  i communicate, it's what i do...i realize that's a foreign concept to you.  oh, and you know what else?  ...fuck you.  just because you continue to hide everything away so no one will ever discover the truth about you, doesn't mean i have to.  not any longer. you aren't my real dad.  my real dad digs me.


<3 i love you, real dad <3

i am in turmoil.  like i haven't been in a really long time...things keep hitting me from all sides and i'm buckling.  seriously.  i truly am a weak person.  sure, i can be strong on the outside and around people i don't love. i will protect and shield those i do love, when they need it.  but, get me inside, surrounded by my heart and i am a complete mess.  i cry, i question everything i've ever done.  it blows balls.  i am all kindsa fucked up.

out of respect for those involved, i won't go into details, as much as i feel the desire to...i will say that i have hit a wall in one respect - i'm out of ideas. i've beat my head against this for about 3 years now over the same thing.  even when it appears to be, it's not better, just smoke and mirrors.
{hahahahaaaa, omg i just made a joke and you have no clue.  seriously, i think i'm finally going bat-shit crazy.  ok...back to the surface i go.}
the truth is, nothing has really changed in this situation...all of the talking and rationalizing and deal-making.  none of it seems to have made any difference...it's still going downhill.  or at the very least, plateaued at a not-so-great-actually-rather-shitty-when-you-really-look-at-it level.  i went to my final at-bat with regards to this last week and i'm pretty sure i have still failed.  time will tell, but it's not looking good.  does there comes a point in certain relationships where it's better if we say "fuck it, i really truly gave it my all and i don't know what else to do" and let the chips fall where they fall?  is there really is a point in which you can do no more to help someone see a positive path?  this will come back to bite me in the ass, i have no doubt.  somehow, it will fall back on me - but i really truly have no other aces up my sleeve right now.  it's quite possibly time to let what will be, be.

on another front, i have been fucked over by my personal sense of trust and judgement.  it is really messing with my head.  someone i trusted with all of me turned out to be nothing but a manipulative piece of judgmental, psychotic shit.  don't really want to talk about that.  it is very nerve-wracking.  but, i find myself questioning every thing and worse, every ONE right now. good on you, you piece of shit...you have infiltrated the inner sanctum.  you have fun with that...you fucked up mother-fucker.

lastly - i don't mean to be cryptic, but stick with me here, i do have to protect the "innocent" - someone close to me is echoing someone else who used to be close to me.  in a very painful way and, therefore...it really fucking hurts. bad.  like a knife directly into my gut and then twisted over and over again, bad.  back to the questioning everything.  this has me rethinking everything i've spent the last 25 years doing.  everything.  think about it.   go back 25 years and question the direction you set off in back then.  maybe you shouldn't have taken that particular path, eh?  maybe, just maybe, you should have done something COMPLETELY different.   like, oh...i dunno...become an astronaut, a hobo, a fucking nun*, for that matter...ANYthing other than what you chose.  you were clearly not cut out for this shit. in fact, you are definitely sucking at it.  you are sucking at your chosen way of being a contributing member of life right now.


(*hahahhaaaaa...i said "a fucking nun").


these things have me seriously wondering if i may really, honestly be a certifiable head-case. (all together now..."NOOOOOOO, really?")  it would maybe not explain everything, but would at least give a reasonable platform for all that is fucked up.  normally, i would think that possibility was totally cool and bask in it, but i still have to be a responsible person for some people in my life.  ball-blowing, i say.

it's a shitty place to be and i'm really trying to find happy-shawna - she is still in there, just squashed a bit by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.  usually this passes, but i've never actually been up against what i am facing now.  i'm a little bit scared, and that just doesn't happen that often. i'm not sure what to do with it.

hold on loosely, bisshes....don't let go.

pimpin my girl Conni... :)

Conni has an eye for the unique.  she captures the beauty in everyday things, either through her photographs or through her jewelry designs. check her out and be mesmerized :)

Autumn Sun Originals

the word fuck: it's a thing of beauty really...

dear lurkers that are righting all the wrongs in the world via my blog...

fuck you.

here's an idea.  tend to your own knittin'..my ex is no longer my dad.  running to him to tell on me does nothing but raise his blood pressure, piss him off at something he can't control and make you look like the assclowns you are.  mind your own fucking business and if that is simply too boring, find someone else to fuck with.  leave me alone. believe me, each morning that i wake up is a thorn in his ass - you aren't doing anything novel and innovative by tattling. it cracks me up that you keep coming back to read, copy and report.  actually all you are doing is mortifying him by even bringing me up - and if you haven't figured it out yet, i truly couldn't care any less.  i know what he thinks of me and i'm quite happy with who i am.  seriously, if you don't like what you see, GO THE FUCK AWAY.  no one invited you here, no one cares what you think.

wait, did i mention fuck you?

i'm sure you are all shocked at what a classless bitch he was married to and i'm totally cool with that.  at least i'm real. as far as i know, i still live in a country that protects my right to say pretty much whatever the fuck i want on my fucking fuckity-fuck blog.  so no...your noble efforts aren't going to get me to "behave".  i "behaved" for him for 15 years.  so totally over it.

once again, in case you had trouble with it the first two times.  fuck you.  now run along and find someone who gives a shit.  i'm too busy actually living my life.  fucking idiots.

cause i'm a pimpin foo'...or maybe jes'a foo'

Tattered Angels Blog Post :D

No Jesus Christ

fucking LOVE this song. attaching the words...THINK about it.


Before you hedge those bets you placed against me
Be reticent of fortunes they foretell
Your verbal defecation i can't wash away despite myself
Your vanity, it seems, has served you well

You're so quick to choose the path walked by the righteous
So you can go and nest among the weak
The innocent observers will refuse to find the lie within
Renew the disappointment of the meek

You're no Jesus Christ!

Put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger
I feel so alive here
Put the gun in my mouth that tastes so bitter
I feel so alive here
You're no Jesus Christ!

You keep takin' over
I keep rollin' over
I can't take it anymore

Before you hedge those bets you placed against me
Be reticent of fortunes they foretell
Your verbal defecation i can't wash away despite myself
Your vanity, it seems, has served you well

to shoot or not to shoot...

school rant #3:

go ahead and add the high school nurse to the list of people that hate me...i'll wait.

CA kids are now required to have a bullshit booster shot or they will not be allowed to enroll in school next year. the martinez kid is stressed about not getting his schedule if i don't race down and pay for a booster shot that he shouldn't need. another bullshit scare tactic.  the school's need the money, they'll let my kid in; i just have to sign a waiver. can i really be the only one that calls them on their freakin' dumbass rules? according to the nurse...pretty much, yea.


she told me it was for the safety of my child.  we had a whooping cough "epidemic" in CA last year and 7 kids died.  i asked her if all of those kids had been immunized or if the parents had opted out and she said, and i quote "uhm, i can't verify that - i can tell you that almost all of them either hadn't started or hadn't finished their series of childhood immunizations". 

yea.  that's what i thought.  you know, you peeps that choose to not immunize your kids - for whatever reason - are largely to blame here.  people dying from the freakin whooping cough? in this day and age - seems a bit ridiculous.  i immunized my kids...i didn't like it, they didn't like it, i stressed when they ran fevers afterward - but i did it.  i followed the rules, like a good trained meenky.  now those of you who didn't are threatening the health of MY kids? kinda pisses me off.


i know, i know...immunizations are maybe linked to autism and other things, i get it.  it's a personal decision whether or not to immunize.  personally, i figured the odds of my child developing something terrible after getting shots were slim enough.  plus,  i would rather my children and i be the ones that suffered from my decision TO immunize, instead of a school full of kids that get polio because of my decision to NOT. again, personal choice; no judgment.

argh.  i live in a freakin' community of cattle.  they just go along to get along.  "oh, the state said so?  ok, they must know what they are doing." uhhhh, yea.

jeebus, marcus and jimbob.

with all due respect, william and kate...

i am freaking seething right now.  therefore, i'm once again all over the map :)

two weeks ago my 5th grader informed me that she watched portions of the royal wedding in class that day.  that earned an internal eyeroll on my part, thinking to myself "how the fuck does this even begin to pertain to the education of an 11-yo girl?"  but, i managed to keep my disdain inside as i asked her how the teacher tied that into her average school day...not surprisingly, she had no clue..."i dunno, it was just on".  this morning, the final launch of the space shuttle Endeavor was televised live from Cape Canaveral shortly after her school day started.  this afternoon, when i asked her if they watched it in class, she said to me, "what's a space shuttle?" 

whattheeffevs. i'm so over this school district and their Nazi-control-freak-about-ridiculous-things-yet-clueless-about-things-that-might-actually-affect-the-kids-in-a-positive-way ways. these kids can only wear shorts to school from may through september...keeping in mind they are out of school june, july and august of those 5 months and that central valley often reaches into the triple-digit temps well into october.  they are told that the shorts are a distraction and they are lucky they are allowed to wear them at all during the school year.  these kids also have rules about how long their hair can be - well, the boys have rules; the girls, not so much.  their hair cannot be in their eyes, cannot be past their earlobes and cannot touch the collar of their shirt at the back of the neck.  i'm told it's a "distraction" if these guidelines aren't kept. once,  i went so far as to suggest braden use a hair clip to keep his hair back out of his eyes...the administrator didn't see the humor and denied my request. one time, at band camp, my child was pulled out of class and sent to the office to call me for a change of clothes because he had a factory-ripped (and patched) 1.5" tear in his jeans.  evidently, pulling him out of class and sending him to the office wasn't a distraction, but the sewn-up tear was. our kids no longer recite the Pledge of Allegiance at school and if they were to, "God" wouldn't be allowed to participate.  everyone in sports gets a ribbon because if there were such things as winners and losers, feelings would get hurt. uhm, yea...i could go on.  

re-fucking-diculous.

side note:  there are parts of our dress code that i do understand:  no pro-sports team jerseys, hats, logos whatever.  it's a gang thing, check;  ass cheeks are not to be hanging out when they are allowed to wear shorts.  it's a horny teenager thing, check;  camouflage clothing (unless it's pink) is not allowed.  ok, not sure what the reasoning here is, unless they are afraid they'll lose a kid or two during the day to the underbrush outskirts of the enemy's perimeter *eyeroll*, but whatever, i've let it slide.  check.

sorry, back to my original rant.  at Garfield Elementary in Clovis CA, our 11 year old kids are watching the royal wedding in class, but not the launch of a space shuttle into space.  INTO SPACE.  that's still a big deal, right?  i mean, obviously it was back in the dark ages of *my* 5th grade. the AV nerds lived for shit like that.  rolling the equipment into the classroom, anticipation building because we were going to get to watch TV!  surely, America's space program still contains a "teachable moment" or two for science, for technology, for history, for SOMETHING, no?

in the news just last week:  "The World Economic Forum ranks the USA 48th in math and science education...On America’s latest exams (the National Assessment of Educational Progress), one-third or fewer of eighth-grade students were proficient in math, science, or reading. Our high-school graduation rate continues to hover just shy of 70 percent, according to a 2010 report by the Editorial Projects in Education Research Center, and many of those students who do graduate aren’t prepared for college. ACT, the respected national organization that administers college-admissions tests, recently found that 76 percent of our high-school graduates “were not adequately prepared academically for first-year college courses.”

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/06/the-failure-of-american-schools/8497/

48th?!?  how is that even fucking possible? how is that acceptable, how did this happen, we ask...well, *i'm* asking anyway.  in a phone call to the school tomorrow; in a letter to the school district this week and in a letter to the editor of every CA newspaper i can get ahold of.  i'm naming names, mary.  i'm fed up with this elitist, uppity and IGNORANT bullshit.  ok, quite honestly i've been fed up with it for a long time - but hey, i'm actually going to do something about it beyond my local bitching this time.  i let a lot of shit roll, i'm aware of that...and this royal wedding vs space shuttle launch in the classroom bullshit is small stuff in the grand scheme of things...but jeebus, it has something to say to everyone of us.  i think it's time we paid attention to what

Cat Stevens - Hard Headed Woman (live)

should be sleepin'...

waiting for my friend mr nyquil to kick my ass.  sitting here thinking about disappointment and i've come to the conclusion, it blows balls.  i despise disappointment; i despise causing it and i despise feeling it...and i've done too much of both.

what's the answer, though - quit depending on people? quit allowing them to depend up on me?  who lives like that...bitter, resentful, lonely people is all i can think of.

it's not a huge stretch to expect honesty, to be expected to give honesty.  i sat back and dug into my brain's ass 6 years ago and made two lists:  one list of the things i absolutely would never live again without, and the other of the things i could never again live with.  honesty and dishonesty were at the top of those lists, hands down...no hesitation.  second on those lists were loyalty and disloyalty. third was probably something silly like bacon and bad breath; but i digress.

where i'm headed with this is that i am a pleaser and have found that the most effective way to please is to be a (an?) honest, loyal friend who tells it like it is, but in a way that isn't brutally painful.  oftentimes easier said than done...my greatest strength?  my empathy for others; my strongest weakness?  my empathy for others.  a double edged muther-fuckin sword, it is.

while i am who i am and have tried to accept that not everyone is like me - can i get a "THANK YOU OH MY GOD" for that - what i have trouble with is reconciling the fact that there are those that give and take and then there are those that just give OR take.  i take a lot, actually - i give more, but i do have the take-shit part down, with the trophy in my sights...it's fairly new to me so i expect that my grades will improve with time.

i give - dale and i have a joke about "givers" that we know and unfortunately, it is almost always referring to a slut of sorts...as in "she is SUCH a giver", meaning head, ass, what have you.  yea, anyway what was i saying?  oh yea - i give.  the people that i love have access to anything i am able to give to them, 24/7/364 (ha! actually chuckled at that)... i love it when i have what they need, really i do - it makes me happy.  maybe it's the cementing of some of my worth to them.  i dunno but probably, as being worthy seems to be something more valuable to me than gold (notice i did not say the b-a-c-o-n word).  but that, my friends, is a whole 'nuva therapy session.

moving on - someone mentioned to me the possibility of not expecting anything from others and thus, not being disappointed in them.  another person suggested i stop giving to certain people, that perhaps that would trigger something in the takers and make them change their evil ways.  neither one is an option for me.  i DO expect things from other people in my life.  i DO expect honesty and loyalty and a shoulder should i need it, from them.  further more, i cannot stop giving for a manipulative reason.  don't get me wrong,  i could manipulate adolf-effing-hitler under the table...but when it happens, i choose to do it unencumbered.  yet another session ;)

so what is the answer?  well hell...i guess it's to just keep on keepin' on.  i'll keep giving and maybe when all is said and done, i'll march my ass up to the Pearly Gates, drier than a dead dingo's donger, and Saint Jim-Bob will say "dayum gurrrrrrrl, let's have some wine!" and off we'll go talkin' about all the asswipes we passed something off to along the way.

ok...wow.  that made almost no sense at all.  i surely do love you my nyquilly boy <3

a few days late, but necessary for me...

i'm never sure whether or not to post this on the anniversary of the death of my daughter...i've decided to do it again this year for me and me alone.  it is a sad, painful recollection of the day she died, as told 18 years later.  it took a long time for me to put it all down into words and it was amazingly cleansing to do so.  she is always in my heart and she guides me daily.  still.

just a warning of sorts that it isn't pleasant.  it is raw and it is real.  it is a day in my life that changed everything i knew to be real and reshaped everything from that point forward.  it is actually the story of the day that i realized i had no choice but to live my life - regardless of what obstacles were thrown into my path.  we don't get to choose much of our way, but we do get the chance to change how we deal with things in our future.

to those who have never experienced this, may God allow you to continue on through your life without ever knowing it; to those who have experienced it - and i know way too many of you personally - know that you are never alone and that you actually were given an amazing gift.  something that you may not be able to hold in your arms today, but something that will give you the single-most amazing moment yet to come.

miss morgan: december 22, 1990

more sweet, than bitter...

the holidays are here again, the sky above is (still) clear (again)...shall we sing a song of cheer again, holidays are here again...

bittersweet.  word for the season...december 22, 2010 marks the 20th anniversary of my daughter morgan's death. whoa. 20 freakin years since my girl died at 10 months of meningitis.  which means she would be 21 on february 15, 2011. jeebus, how old AM i?  my grams died last month.  another huge void in my life.  i was raised with her 50 yards away until my mid-teens - she has been a huge part of me for as long as i can remember.  the girl and i made a trip up to see her in early october - and i will be forever thankful that we did.

feeling a bit blue and can't quite place my hand upon why.  i imagine it's a combination of things...but i generally love this time of year and i need to get my shit in gear, lol.  this is also the time of year i start to see a change in my kids.  energy level (read: obnoxiousness rating) goes up, boredom prevails and nerves get frayed.  my girl has been watching Christmas classics and listening to Christmas songs for weeks already.  she's hitting me up to decorate the Christmas tree this weekend.  i NEVER have my tree up this early.  i know this is what old people say, but it seems like i just took the damn thing down.

i think what is contributing to my funk is the fact that i am starting to realize that love leads to pain ---damn, raise your hand if you saw that coming--- what i mean is i'm getting to a point in my life when i am beginning to realize that life doesn't go on forever.  that we WILL have to say goodbye to those we love. the harder and the deeper we love, the harder and deeper the pain will run.  it WILL be devastating and there is no dodging it.  unless, of course, it is our life that ends first.  and so i find myself worrying.  morbid, yes; futile, yes; depressing, yes; but pointless, no.  i am learning - finally - that i should be living my life one moment at a time.  i need to appreciate all of the good that surrounds me.  i need to be a better, kinder, more thoughtful person.  i should be less judgmental (pffftt, yea, like that is ever gonna happen.)   my point is, it's never too late to change the way we affect other people.

seriously, when i look around at the people i truly love and i do mean L-O-V-E with all of my heart, and i try to imagine losing them...well, it's simple, i can't do it.  i know, very well, the pain of loss.  i know how devastating it is, how paralyzing it is, how it sucks the very breath out of your entire body leaving you frantically searching for a place where you can just crumble and fall, because you are sure you will never see the light of another day.  you pray to God to spare you from ever seeing the light of another day - anything, yes even death, is preferable to the pain.  how does one survive the knowledge that such loss lies on their life's horizon?

(cue JT)  you shower the people you love with love...you show them the way that you feel.  you don't dwell on the knowledge of the inevitable goodbye, but you must understand and accept it and then you prepare for it the only way you really can.  you love deeper, you hug tighter, you kiss longer, you squeeze harder.  you truly allow yourself to experience love.  bittersweet, absolutely...but i cannot imagine my life without it.  better to have loved and lost...?  no question.

group hug time. <3

Matt White - Love

GRAPHIC: and should that not stop you...

this video is about abortion.  graphic images slam home the point that this is really happening in our society.  i have given space at the end so you don't have to actually see any of the video unless you scroll down farther.  if you do, be prepared.  it is truly horrifying.*

*video has been banned from you tube and is no longer available.

first of all, i am not here to debate abortion.  we all have our points of view and i respect that.  i'm only giving my personal beliefs because...well, it's my blog and i think my view on it (and therefore, the view i will probably share with my kids at some point) pertains to the question i'm going to ask you.

now, surprisingly enough, in spite of my wacked-out conservative views, i have always considered myself "pro-choice".  i know the anti-abortion peeps prefer the term "pro-abortion" to describe my point of view, but i refuse to accept that, as i am actually both "pro-choice" and "pro-life".  i am also somewhat anti-abortion. fickle, much?  funny thing...? my ma - who is a die hard bleeding heart liberal communist, bless her heart - is Way Anti-Abortion.  Way.  in her mind there is never an excuse, and i'm cool with that.  needless to say, i don't exactly bring it up at Thanksgiving dinner.

my personal standing is that, for lots of reasons, i believe a woman should ultimately have control over her body and what it happens to contain. i have held fast to the belief that if a fetus cannot survive on it's own without requiring this woman's bodily resources, it should fall under her personal jurisdiction.  this does not mean i believe in abortion as a means of birth-control. this does not mean i would choose to have an abortion myself.  what this means is that i believe the woman should be able to make the final decision in whether or not she has an abortion.

i will tell you that i would fight tooth and nail over my personal right to have an abortion if someone told me i absolutely would not be allowed to do it - in spite of the fact that i have never even personally considered, nor considered considering it.  does this mean that if i was denied and then granted that right i would go through with it?  not even close...i would though, still fight for my right to choose.

in most cases, i personally believe that abortion is a huge mistake - i think it haunts most of those that have decided to do it.  not all, of course - but i really don't think that women in general choose to do this for the thrill of taking a human life...and agreed, that is what this is.  there are an unlimited number of people longing to adopt babies - healthy or otherwise -  and to "throw away" a viable fetus is obviously rubbing salt (albeit, unintentionally) into the open wounds of these people.

where i would waiver personally would be in being told that i was forced to carry a baby that i could never feel, hear, see or touch without knowing that it was the result of evil and of violence. i am fully aware that this was not the baby's choice.  i am fully aware that having an abortion would still be an incredibly selfish act on my part.  i am just saying this is where i would consider it.  i believe that, if anyone, men or women, could transport their minds to a reality where the person they love with all of their being is growing a child that belongs to a) some sick fuck that brutally raped her - or to make it even  more personal; b) to their father-in-law; their brother-in-law, their own brother, their own son, their own father, whatever...a child that, with every (innocent, granted) breath and movement reminds them both of the evil that placed it there...then, they might be able to get a glimpse at what i feel at the thought of carrying that baby to term.  i'm not saying it's right, i'm simply saying it's how i feel and the one occasion that i might possibly consider having an abortion.  i wouldn't know for sure until that became my reality.  my point is, we can never know what we would do in someone else's shoes - we shouldn't try and pretend to know what even WE would do given a certain situation...we can have our opinions of course, but judging someone without knowing isn't fair.

i do believe these are little people, i do believe that they do not get fair representation, but i also believe that if someone takes that ultimate right to choose from me, everyone loses.  i do believe that women who abort more than one fetus due to carelessness, lack of responsibility and/or simply not-give-a-shit-ability should probably be sterilized - but that's a whole 'nuva can of peas.

if you choose to watch the video, steel yourselves.  i don't care what side of this debate you are on - this is horrific.*

*see above regarding video

on that note, i do have a question of you.  keeping in mind that i'm not exactly ever asked to write a parenting handbook (i know); i'm considering showing this to my kids.  what do you think?  the boys are well into their teens and very aware of sex.  (ugh.)  i think they can handle it.  the girl is only 11 and probably too young to be exposed to the realities of this, i realize that.  my initial reaction was no fucking way, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that this IS a reality, this IS a possible decision they face one day.  wouldn't showing them and talking about the reality of it be a better condom than the good old strawberry-flavored, tingling, ribbed ultra?  i'm all about teaching my children the truth about everything...why hide this from them because it's too real?

ugh.

the unsettled, undefined feeling of needing a deep breath.  deeper.  not working.  i *hate* this.  no explanation really, probably a combination of things.  loved ones missed.  the monotony of what is the day ahead of me.  unresolved frustrations.  the fact that i battle with clinical depression depresses me.  just no joy today.  it happens.

do i welcome it and wallow, hoping it gets bored with me and finally leaves me in peace?  do i curl up with a book and hope to eventually sleep it off?  do i busy myself with shit i absolutely do not want to do in the hopes of shaking it off?  i never know how to deal with it.  just pray for it to subside without leaving scars.

i know what i can't do.  i can't make any type of consequential decision.  i tend to react to the panic by covering it in some form of immediate gratification - which often brings about the aforementioned scarring;  emotional fall-out, not physical,  i'm a head-case, not a complete freak.  not much else to say.

i know what i should do.  i should concentrate on the good things in my life - things like the fact that i'm not seriously ill.  that my children aren't seriously ill.  that the little shit subsides, eventually.  that i have a home and the love of some truly wonderful people.  why, on these days, isn't that enough to lift my spirits back to where they usually reside?

jeebus, this music isn't helping - fucking Bread - there's a start in shit-canning that crap.

let us recap...shall we?

3:06am:  i hear Fat-Pat-the-Androgynous-Cat digging at the carpet under my bedroom door.  probably, her lard ass has eaten all of the food in the house, sampled a few non-food items and dammit she's not full.  i launch a roll of tissue missile-like at the door to scare her, where it lands after a quite-a-bit-less-than-spectacular *whuf* against the wall next to the door.  yea, i kinda rock my own world like that.  the ever-vigilant Winston goes on full alert and stands guard at the door, refusing get back to his bed.

3:08am: lights out, pillows in place, t-shirt over my face, all is right in my world.

3:08:15am: *scratch scratch*  fuck me.

3:19am:  i give up trying to sleep - it's hopeless due to images in my brain consisting of various methods in which to kill each one of my animals.  by now i'm stressed and pissed...sleep is not a viable option.  lights on, kindle out, glasses found - reading commences.

4:22am:  *YAWN*  sweet sleep is within reach...lights out, pillows in place...blah, blah, blah.

4:31am:  fuck it - laying here is stupid, i have things to do...i can always take a nap.  lights on...first things first; start coffee.  check email.  squirrel, even though i promised myself i was only checking my email.  read about something political and start to get stressed again...move on to frontierville.  sweet, brainless frontierville. algebraic equation of the day:  "coffee + sleeping children + frontierville = temporary sanity".

5:03am: i find myself in my closet wondering who the fuck bought all these clothes 2 sizes too small, i have nothing to wear.  screw it - i love my jams.  hey, while i'm in here...

5:27am: closet purged a bit - starting to wake up.  gonna start some laundry.  follow me here, this gets tricky:  having gathered a massive pile of things that need washing and balanced my coffee cup on top, using my teeth to hold it in place, i open my door and call to Winston to get his lazy ass off the bed...we're heading out.  he's rather exasperated with me...he must be - he looks at me with his "are you serious right now?  it's still dark outside and i just got comfy...are we going out and staying out this time, because this back and forth shit is for the birds.  make up your mind and COMMIT, woman" face.  a few more coaxing gestures and he resignedly drags his ass out from under his soft yellow (read: pussy girl) blanket, stands in the middle of the hallway (balanced equidistant between all bedrooms containing sleeping [read: QUIET] children) and does the world's most annoying shake known to man.  dog tags on a shaking dog make the most infuriating sound when your temporary sanity is being permanently threatened.

5:28am:  something falls from the laundry pile in my hands - of course.  i can't tell what it is - i'll grab it with my toes and kick/carry it to the laundry room.  still balancing my coffee, mind you.  i hit where the carpet meets tile in the entryway and feel what must be a 4 inch long rusty heroin needle (known in some circles as a carpet tack) drive through the heel of my right, probably-panty-or-sock-carrying, foot.  mutherfucker, i *HAAAAATE* that. i grab the coffee with a hand to keep from spilling it as i hop on one foot, hoping with very little hope that i don't bleed out right there where my children will find me buried under a heap of dirty laundry (which could take days...jus'sayin - my kids sure as hell steer damn clear of touching any form of dirty laundry).

5:28:52am:  and then more clothes fall to the floor.  blood pressure spike is definitely in the immediate forecast.

5:29am (time is approximate due to a temporary blackout):  the fucking PSYCHO orange cat has ONCE AGAIN pushed over the self-watering container in her attempt to "catch" the bubbles that appear in the jug as she drinks the water.  have i ever mentioned how my kitchen floor turns into a freaking sheet of ice with just one drop of water?  yea, well...jeebus, mark and christopher, my life is such a fucking joke.  the momentary lapse of consciousness comes from my head hitting the floor, as clothes and coffee spew into a roughly 5 foot radius before me.

5:35am (again with the time approximation): i laugh/cry/wimper/snort my way to my feet, gather the laundry - resourcefully using a dirty towel to mop up coffee - and make my way to the laundry room without further incident...which is truly amazing at this point given that it was a whole 3 feet away.

7:01am:  the chitlins have stirred without being shaken and i feel better having, once again, shared the ridiculousness of this moment in time in the Easy Life, and then eaten half of a bottle of aleve.  for the record - yes, i did consider the half-full bottle of wine sitting on my counter as my pain-reliever of choice, but figured with this kind of start, probably i will have an even stronger need for that in a few hours.

martinez-out, bitches.

oh, that tangled web...

been a slightly effed up week...my guy has a wildfire close to his home and has been sitting in ready-to-fly mode for a couple of days now.  he feels particularly stressed, as he has previously watched a home - and all of his belongings - burn to the ground.  it appears that his home is safe, but he is still under evacuation orders...if he leaves to go to work, he will not be allowed back in.  so he sits.

one of my close friends from jr high/high school had surgery yesterday - rather emergency, she found out about it a week ago - all is well as of now and she is supposed to be able to go home this afternoon.  i worried for her for a few different reasons, mainly though because she was petrified that something bad would happen to her.  she has a son that has just started kindergarten two weeks ago...that wasn't going well, and leaving him to stay in the hospital was weighing heavily upon her.  as i said, that appeared to have gone as planned and i think i can rest easier as far as she is concerned.  whew.

got a phone call from my mom yesterday about my gram's...last summer they discovered she has fluid building in her lungs.  she went to the hospital a couple of times to have them drained and discovered a weak valve or some such crap and needed surgery.  well, the bird is 89ish and a bit frail nowadays so they decided last summer that they would not operate on her and just monitor her recurring pneumonia as best they could.  she's been quite good for about a year, but just went back into the hospital last week.  they drained the fluid and released her.  two days later, they will filling up again.  they have now decided that the hospital trips are too hard on her and have agreed that they will monitor from the home, but not readmit her to the hospital.  so...gram's isn't well.  i called her today and i'm not sure she knew who i was for a bit.  she sounded very weak and pretty out of it.  talked to my mom who explained that she has been pretty drugged up this week.  problem is my grams is 5 hours away from here...i'm not sure what to do.  whether or not i should pull the kids out of school and drive up there to see her or wait for more news from my mom.  ugh.  my grams has been such a HUGE part of my life for as long as i can remember - it's some sad shit to say the least.

one of my kids has been having problems that i will not go into here...they involve "friends", school and people of a shitty ilk.  the kind of people you do not want your children to know - ever.  we're dealing with that on a day-to-day basis and i'm trying to not have nightmares involving worst case scenarios. have i mentioned in the last 20 minutes how badly i want my fat, innocent little babies back?

smaller, less significant issues include phone/house alarm/tiVo problems; car needs work done; yard work is - once again - out of control; girl's soccer season has started, and halloween is coming back.  cripes why do i have to deal with this STOOPIT "holiday" every. single. year? ugh.

the good news is that i have food in the pantry, my man loves the shit out of my guts - regardless of the ridiculousness that is my life - and everyone is healthy.  well, the kids are anyway - that is crucial and for that, i am grateful.

holy shit - did i get through that post without one f-bomb?  wow...i am off my game.

Violent J - I'ma Fuck You Up

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah...