lesson learned. again.

you know, i've heard the saying "no good deed goes unpunished" and yeppers, there is some truth to that particular adage. does this mean i will ever give up doing good things for those i care about - because some of them can't, don't or won't appreciate my gestures? not a chance.

i give what i have and i do it out of love. i don't do it for reciprocation and i don't do it for recognition...i do it because it is asked of me and i'm able.

will i allow myself to get screwed by the same person more than once?  probably so, dammit...but more than three times? not a fucking chance.  i'm kind, but i'm not stupid.

ok, i'm a little bit stupid.  about some things.  but not in general.

you know, treating people the way you want to be treated doesn't always pay off and i think the key here is to understand that going in and doing it, regardless.  we shouldn't do nice things in order to receive nice things. we should be kind because that is who we are and that is how we want to affect the world.  fuck all y'all that take and don't give back. you will not change me at my core.  you will make me wary and cautious, but you will not make me bitter and resentful.

ok, you might make me bitter and resentful towards YOU.  but not in life, not towards those that haven't earned it.

you, who fabricates this idyllic, wonderful life so everyone can think they know who you are.  you do fool a lot of the people, a lot of the time and that's cool. but you have also managed to fool yourself.  big mistake. you are a taker. a manipulator and a user.  you are a cheater, a liar and a fraud

and i don't like you anymore.

i treasure honesty and loyalty and trust.  i treasure those who give their word and keep it. i treasure those who tell me a necessary truth even if it's something i don't want to hear.  i treasure love and i treasure friendship.

i treasured who i thought you were. 

those are the people that i live for, love for and fight for.  those are my people and those are the ones that i choose to surround myself with.  all you other fuckstains - get out of my head, get out of my heart and get out of my life.

you don't get to be a part of my life any longer.  you are poison and you are gone.

peace out, bitches

Shawna-Time

Oh. MY. GAWWWWWWWD.

i woke up early this AM to the smoke detector chirping approximately every 27 seconds. it's the little things in life that make me want to commit murder. and kick babies...in the FACE.

because i can do some shit, i go get my shitty ladder and unplug the detector in the hallway that appears to be making the noise...
lo AND behold - it's still chirping.
from the ceiling.
where there is no more smoke detector.

ok, before shit gets really real, i have just a few questions:
1) aren't smoke detectors generally linked so that if one is being a dick, they all act like dicks? if my pecker-long memory serves, yes they are...so which one is the lead dick?
2) is there a smoke detector so high up in the living room that i can't reach it even on my ladder? why yes, yes there is. 
3) is that the one that more than likely needs a new battery? well, probably fucking so, because no one else has ever, in the history of the house, been able to reach it in order to change it's battery either.
4) wait, do i happen to have 6 - 9v batteries laying around even if i could reach them all? well, no actually i don't.
e) do i happen to even have a car that i can jump in to go to the store and buy some? oh wait. no, no i don't, i'm car-less today.
6) am i ready to go fucking postal if this thing doesn't shut the eff up? magic 8 ball says "you may rely on it"

 (this cannot end well, but here i go again on my own...)

(cue spongebob) 1 HOUR LAY-TAIR...recap.
STOLE THE KID'S CAR - fun, but not worth money, cause it won't peel out. i know, i tried - $2 in gas

8 - 9V WALGREENS BATTERIES - $29 (i got a snickers bar too, cause i wasn't feeling quite myself...it didn't help, commercial people are LIARS)

POSSIBLE DEATH FROM FALLING - typical day in my life soooo - $0

CHANGING OUT ALL OF THE SMOKE DETECTOR BATTERIES - $0. go me, but not worth shit because the chirping continued

TEARS I CRIED WHEN THE CHIRPING CONTINUED - $2 (for Advil because now i have a headache.) 

TEARING APART THE HOUSE ALARM SYSTEM TO FIND IT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE BATTERIES, SO THAT WASN'T IT - $0. i suffered a bent back fingernail, but they are short and shitty anyway, so fuck it.

ON MY WAY TO THE BATHROOM TO SLIT MY WRISTS, PASSING BY THE GODDAMNED CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTOR THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD,  AND HAVING IT CHIRP - $0, although, the maniacal laughter at the "of course" of it, plus the fact that my children didn't have to find me in a pool of my own blood was good for my soul.

FINDING OUT THE CHIRPING WAS COMING FROM THE GODDAMNED CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTOR THAT WAS WELL WITHIN REACH, NO LADDER NECESSARY - $0, but probably years off of my life for the sheer shawna-stupidity experience.

THE BLESSED SOUND OF SILENCE - cost me a grand total of 1 hour, $33 and 5.75 years off of my life. TOTALLY WORTH IT.

FOR THE RECORD: 1) the reason i even checked the alarm system box is because this one time, at this rodeo i went to - ONE VERY SIMILAR TO THIS RODEO- i thought the smokes were going off and it happened that the alarm system needed a new battery - obviously, not the case this time. 2) the smoke detector that was flickering alternately red and green leading me to believe it was the asshole culprit, was approximately 4' from the asshole CM dicktector that i didn't even know i had. the sound was so piercing that i was ready to blow my brains out - didn't look around to see what else could be causing it. yes, I ASSUMED. 3) never having had a CM detector before, it never occurred to me that i had one currently, therefore, it never occurred to me to check to see if it was doing the beeping. upon further - later - inspection, it was revealed that it had no indicator light whatsoever, dick.

now i know, now i have a mess to clean up and now i'm exhausted. where's the effing beer?

her way.

i am walking on the beach in Morro Bay last week with three people that i love dearly...as i stand still and watch the ocean waves rolling in, one of them creates a circle in the sand around me with her foot, flashes her smile and tells me that i am not allowed to leave it.

i oblige her for awhile but then inform her that it is time to head back to the car...and home. she thinks for a moment and then appears to solve her dilemma by drawing a line in the sand leading from the circle back down the beach, towards the car - which is maybe a half-mile away, but probably less - and instructs me to follow it, and only it. both feet, no stepping off.

she walks backwards, dragging her heel in the sand, her foot line twisting and turning - this cannot be a straight line, no....and i MUST walk it and never veer from it.  with my arms held straight out to my sides (to help balance the unbalanced, of course) i speed up and try and rush her progress, maybe make her trip and fall, but she commands me to stop when i catch up to her and laughingly orders me to wait for her to get ahead of me again before continuing.  as i totter along, i watch in front of me - behind her - hoping to subtlety direct her towards someone she will run into while not looking.  cause, well...that would be hilarious, but she mysteriously manages to miss everything and everyone in her path, rarely taking a peek to see where she was headed.  she is just following along the surf line. sort of...and backwards.



she switches feet, because the right one is cramping up, but continues on, still swirling and veering, twisting and turning her line in the sand.  she tries using her toes because she is getting tired and we still have a long way to go.  i taunt her and tell her she'll never make it. but i dutifully follow my path.

i hear laughter behind me and i turn - being ever so careful not to fall off my mark - to see an old woman walking the line directly behind me, arms out like mine, with her husband at her side laughing.  she looks at me, giggles again and says, "so, where are we going?!?"

quite honestly, it was one of the most joyous moments of my life.

the old woman follows along with us for a few seconds more and then takes her old husband's hand and they wander off closer towards the sea, smiling, laughing, playful - loving their lives. they left the line in the sand that was meant for me and continued along their own path.

we make it to end of the beach eventually. when we reach the rocks that we had to climb over to get to the car, the girl picks up and drags a 12 foot piece of seaweed over them, ordering me to walk only on that.  i'd take 5 steps, step off of it and have to wait for her to re-position it so that i could continue on.

she never stopped, she never gave up.
she led me all the way back.
and i let her.  because it was important....to both of us
i followed her every step of the way. her way,
and it made us happy.

waves

today is filled with waves of blue heaviness.
i feel as if i've discarded a best friend.
whom i hope i can someday recover, but not until i'm well.
that kind of heavy.  that kind of blue.
it's like everything visible to me is a dull reminder of something gone.
that kind of loss.  that kind of sad.
as if something that i truly love, but wasn't able to nurture,
just distanced itself from me, or me from it
to help in it's search of a better home than i was able to provide.

probably, it was right to go...things usually are,
because shit happens as it's supposed to.  right on cue, right on time...
or so i'm told.
i want to sleep so i can escape these feelings,
yet stronger is the need to avoid that moment of awakening.
the one where you feel physically pulled away from a place where you are truly loved and truly happy,
and dropped into a place where, as you open your eyes,
you realize with a heavy heart that you are still you.
that you did this.
that nothing has changed.
and the feeling of loss slithers back in.

he did what...?

i have a question of addiction...how does someone who has over indulged in alcohol- and i mean hard-fucking-core imbibing - for over 50 years just...stop?

it's a question that i've been asking myself for a few days now after i found out that someone close to me, who, as much as i am loathe and ashamed to admit,  i personally had accepted would be found dead in a gutter somewhere pretty much any day now, stopped drinking 5 months ago.  just made a decision that he wasn't going to drink anymore and put it the fuck DOWN. no rehab, no weaning, no sponsorship, no 12 step program, nothing. just stopped drinking.  and if that wasn't a big enough chunk to gnaw off, he stopped smoking as well.  cigarettes, not weed...he's not completely crazy.

i know people who have quit smoking and i know people who have quit drinking.  among them are those who just stopped one day, as well as those who struggled and backslid for YEARS before they were successful.  i know people who are sure they will die if they even attempt to quit smoking. i know people that would rather die than quit drinking. i have been exposed to addiction my entire life.  i live in fear of it's grip, not over me as much as over my children.  i firmly believe that the weakness for alcoholism, most likely to addiction in general, is a genetic predisposition. it is too prevalent in my family tree for me to ignore.

so...the question remains - how is it possible?  could he have not been addicted at all...?  over the years, alcohol has cost him jobs, relationships, homes, and other things - all just too numerous to count...is it possible that he just forrest gumped?  did he simply decide one day - after 50 years, 2 months, 14 days and 16 hours - that he was just "pretty tired"?

someday, i will ask him...for now i am still processing.  and happy for him.  really really happy for him.

the Tao and my anxiety

today is anxious.
i can't quite pinpoint why...i'm not sleeping well, i'm not eating much, i have a constant headache, i'm restless and bored, yet don't want to get out of bed.  i have plans to be away next week and i'm wishing i hadn't made them...although being away is always helpful, i know the anxiety always returns as soon as i have to.

i'm about sick of this shit.  i want to be happy when i open my eyes in the morning, not think "fuck...still here, still me".  i want to be enthusiastic about ANYTHING on a daily basis.  about life in general, for cripes sake...and so,

i'm starting to read the Tao...which is really interesting for me because i have never put any stock in anything like it before.  a friend of mine is really into it and just talking to him has helped, but then he turned me onto a video that has really started to change my way of thinking about my life - but it's such a fucking struggle to maintain a straight thought or keep my attention on anything for very long...regardless, it keeps pulling me back - i thought it was totally worth the 2 hours to watch it.  in fact, i've watched it twice already and gleaned even more from it the second time through.  it's about how we set traps for ourselves - and those around us - and get so wrapped up in our surroundings and our accomplishments and our things, that we forget to actually live our lives. it's powerful and practically slapped me in the face when i first started to watch it.  i found myself tearing up - i KNOW! - and furiously scribbling down notes, stopping the video and backing it up so i could hear something again. it's got a powerful message if you are ready to listen, because if you don't listen, you can't hear...

Dr Wayne Dyer: Ambition to Meaning - The Shift

so anyway, Dr Dyer references the Tao Te Ching, the things he had to say made me want to check it out for myself. the Tao is made up of verses to study and apply to your own life, to your own story. it's very cool. it's pretty deep, but so relative and powerful. i needed to read someone else's interpretation, cause it was all too much for my brain, it so happens that Dr Dyer took a full year to study the Tao and gives his interpretation, along with ideas for ways you can practice it in your own life.

Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

 i can only take one verse at a time, but i study it and try to apply it to my day for a couple of days...it's interesting, and it really is starting to change the way i look at things. AND i just realized that my anxiety has quieted down considerably just writing about it.

baby steps...

this morning. THIS moment...

i was awakened this morning to the sound of someone singing coming through the open window. when i say singing, i mean she was belting it the fuck OUT of the park.  i could hear no music and it didn't matter.  in fact, it made it even more incredibly beautiful.  this girl sang with fucking abandon.  pure unadulterated don't-give-a-flying-shit-who-hears-me abandon. it was seriously one of the most be beautiful things i've ever heard.  i bounced (BOUNCED - and i don't bounce) out of bed and ran to the window to see who it was, but no one was there.  still smiling, i grabbed my soup-kitchen britches, otherwise known as my jams, and went downstairs to grab some coffee and greet the day.

i wandered out to the front of the house. i stepped out onto the porch and saw that the purple irises were in full bloom, providing a perfect backdrop for what had always been one of my favorite places to sit here. fuckin-A, this was a good morning.

as i sat in the swing with my face to the morning sun, coffee in hand, looking at the grove of what has always been my favorite flower, i began thinking about why i loved irises so much;  they reminded me of growing up.  my mind drifted back to the singing girl and i started to tear up thinking of how much i missed being a little kid.  how much i missed being that fucking free.  out of the corner of my eye, i noticed that i wasn't the only one enjoying what was starting out as a perfect day.

He inched his way out from underneath the safety of the tree, searching for something delicious.  I startle him as I notice him and he starts to return to the tree.  He then freezes. Trying to detect danger.  He stops mid-chew - dandelion blossom dangling from his mouth. Finally, realizing that there is no real need to stop his search for food, he returns to the weed patch that is the front lawn and resumes his snacking.  He eventually stretches out with his belly on the cool grass, chewing his cud.  wait, do bunnies make cud?  He seems almost relaxed.  As much a bunny can relax.

Can bunnies ever really just chill?

He eventually retreats to the shade and protection of the pine tree…he – to me, it just seems like he’s a he - stretches out like a dog with his legs behind him, his chin down on the bed of pine needles.  His ears are up and alert, but his eyes drift towards closing. A red-winged blackbird swooping in from above startles him to an upright position, but again sensing no real danger, he starts to clean himself, pulling his ears down one at a time - a light cleansing this morning, nothing too intense.  All of a sudden, he drops and rolls in the dirt.  Again, like a dog he shakes himself off and resumes his stretched out position. I am officially in love with this bunny.

God, Fate, the Cosmos whatever you believe in, put me here in this spot, on this day, at this time. Me and the bunny.  me, the bunny and the irises in full bloom.  And the singing girl. This morning, this time, right now. This moment is so fucking good.

I Am Red.

Before you launch into this, make no mistake, this is indeed a pity party - but it was truly intended to be a personal one.  I decided to share it with you for a few different reasons.  Mainly due to the possibility that the mistakes I've made might help you avoid going through something like this down the road.  Personally, I was launched into the real world completely unprepared.  I can't remember if I was ever actually told that I could be anything, do anything, or achieve anything I wanted. What I do know, in retrospect, is that I set out searching for really nothing more than a safe haven in which I could spend the rest of my life...a place where I could love and be loved unconditionally. Never having been accused of being an over-achiever, I realize that this wasn't an incredibly grand plan, not incredibly ambitious or motivated. But it sounded nice to me then - comfortable and happy.   I still crave it to this day. It seems destined to remain just out of reach. and that is one of the shittiest feelings i've ever experienced.

I am red.

I am blue.

I am green.

I am yellow.

I am black.

I am angry.

I am sad.

I am envious.

I am anxious.

I am resentful.

I feel tricked and taken advantage of.  I feel like I have given everything I am and everything I have to people that cannot - or will not - consider giving back in my time of need.  There is no room right now for sacrifice in their hearts or in their lives.  They are too consumed with themselves and what they want.  They know that I am trapped without their help. They care, but not enough to change things.  Not enough to sacrifice for the one who has always done the sacrificing.

I feel devastated that when I finally get on my knees and beg for something that I think I truly need, I am led along like a fool, believing the lies half-truths because my survival depends on the outcome.  Clinging to what I know in my heart is probably too good to be true. And it turns out to be exactly that, just a cruel joke.  "Sorry, changed my mind…thought I could, said I would, but nope turns out I can’t/won’t/whatever help you.  But hey, hang in there buckaroo…it’s only 4 more years in your personal living Hell, you've survived more than that already, what's the big deal. get over it"

The big deal is that I feel such overwhelming, all-consuming sadness because my happiness has been relegated to the back burner, once again.  It’s how it has always been.  Their needs come first.  Mine are still secondary and always have been.  That is what I committed to when I got married, when I had children --- a life of sacrifice and of burying needs, wants and desires if they don’t mesh nicely with everyone else’s.  They don’t tell you when you are signing up that you are really signing off.  And now I have become a martyr.  Grrrrreat, the one thing I have always despised in my own mother is now my personal reality. The apple really doesn't fall far, does it?

Fuck.

I’m envious of those in my life that are fortunate enough to be in a place they love, surrounded by people that they love. Happy in their every days.  Ups and downs, yes.  But genuinely happy in the lives they have created for themselves.  I envy those who didn't make the same mistakes that I made, and those that perhaps made the mistakes, but were able to survive them and become stronger because of them.  My strength has been used up - I have summoned it in the past, it has helped me get through some tough shit along the way and it has gotten me to where i am now.  but...now...here, I no longer feel strong. I now feel broken.

Broken and anxious.  I am almost completely anxiety-driven when I am home.  I rarely eat. I have no motivation – I can’t stop stressing about what my life has become long enough to focus on anything.  I can’t sleep and when I do, I have dreams of stress and of being helpless.  Dreams of things falling apart around me with no clue as to how to stop it, let alone any power to protect those that I love.  I have dreams of spinning in circles with devastation surrounding me and people I love crying out for help, but I can’t find them in my dream.  I can’t find them and I can’t help them.  I have to listen to their cries and their pleas for help. I am powerless to do anything.  Then I wake up and realize nothing has changed.  I might as well still be dreaming.  I am powerless; I am broken.

I am resentful.  I am trying so hard to bury the anger and the hate and the blame and the RESENTMENT.  I know that I am responsible for the choices I have made.  I know that where I am is ultimately because of me.  I know that I chose this life.  But this is not the life I thought I was choosing.  All I ever really wanted was to matter.  To be loved and respected and needed.  By the people that I loved and respected and needed.  It hasn't worked out like that.  My kids won’t learn this shit until the damage is already done.  And yea, I’m pissed.  Between them and their dad, I have given everything I had to give, my body, my mental stability, my livelihood.  I have given up jobs, relationships and homes that I loved. I gave up a life that I had treasured, that brought me joy and happiness. I gave it all up for them.  Because I believed it was the best thing for them. I have gone to bat for each one of them when they felt they were being wronged, I have cultivated enemies on their behalf, I have supported them in everything {legal} that they thought they wanted to do – even the stupid, oh-so-stupid, shit.  I HAD THEIR BACKS.  ME.  Because that was my job.  That was my commitment to them when I married him and conceived them.  I didn't do it for the payback.  I have never asked for a payback.  I have asked for consideration, I have asked for respect, I have asked for cooperation.  And yes, I asked for support, and I dared believe that I would get it.

I have never felt more insignificant or alone as I do in the life that i have created, right here and right now.

so, this is weird.

there seems to be this campaign going on here that i've really heard nothing about.  i'm not sure who this girl is - but evidently my state has rallied for her.  i think it's cool and all - hey, i'm all for supporting the little guy - i just wish i understood more about what her story was.  i'm pretty good at research, but can't find anything that leads me to get why this chick has sweatshirts with her name on them.  i thought maybe she was running for some kind of political office.  nope.  i even entertained the idea that maybe she had been kidnapped and everyone in the state just really wants to find her.  nope, can't find a word about it in the news. i guess maybe she is just some chick who had a lot of money and just thought it would be cool to see her name on clothing...kind of an apparel-whore, if you will.  weird that i can find no background on her - no clue what her last name even is.  oh well, maybe someday she will become as famous as those other one-named fancy people.  like madognuts, wyde-loda or bouncy...it could happen.

anywho, i bought one of her sweatshirts for my dot - just kinda how i roll...always up for the mystery and whatnot.  regardless...GO NIA - cali's got yer back!

in my head right now.

in a funk today.
it will pass, but for now this consumes me.
i am just nothing good today.

i am...
turning.
judged.
unsettled.
out of control.
useless.
sad.
frustrated.
dumb.
exhausted.
spinning.
worthless.
noisy.
lonely and
misunderstood.

...yet,

determined to figure it all out and set things right.
i can do this.
even if it is on my own.
even if it is only me who understands.
i can do this.
i have to do this, for i am running out of time.

some noisy thoughts...

inspired by my girl KimmyG...

as the year comes to a close, i find myself with a lot to say about just a few things...normally i just roll with the new year and go about taking my life one day at a time.  i try to be a better person on a daily basis, but sometimes i backslide.  a lot.  here are my thoughts on that noise. and it may be a bit scattered, so hold on loosely - but don't let go.

it's been a year of change.  a beginning of a clearing of the head, so to speak.  well, it's still a work in progress, but i believe that i am finally on the right track after some serious alone time in my head.  i have learned that i have made it a life-long habit to trust others blindly and entirely too quickly.  i have learned that rarely do others think, feel and act as i do, would or will.  i am struggling with this being ok.  i expect people to reciprocate in like, and that, if not completely unrealistic, is definitely unfair.  i project onto them and then become disappointed and hurt when they can't or won't be, say or do what i expect of them. i'm working on that.

the changes i have made - am making - involve a lot of other people, which is odd because i really am a bit of a loner in my natural environment.  there are only a few people who really know me.  like seriously, maybe THREE, not counting my kids.  i have hurt some good people and i have definitely helped some not-so-good people...not the way it's supposed to work by any means, but it is what it is.  i'm still learning.

to quote kim;  "i learned some friendships you just outgrow, and others just weren't meant to be."  to add to that, i believe that all of our relationships serve a purpose.  even (maybe even ESPECIALLY) the toxic ones.  there truly is something beneficial to be found in each and every one of them...no matter how long they last, or how abruptly they end. find out what it is, appreciate it and learn from it.

i've learned that i slide when i fall, i no longer bounce like i used to.  like, i hit the ground and then find that i do stupid shit that makes the pain greater and last longer rather than just jumping up, shaking it off and dancing away until the next time.  yes, the road rash i am currently sporting on the right side of my face as i type is purely symbolic of a much deeper and more important lesson here - i'm talking life lessons - heart lessons - as well as face lessons.

i need to keep this in mind going forward...failing (and yes, falling) has become more painful as i get older and (hopefully) wiser.  i feel the after effects much longer.

i am finally learning to trust based on actions, not words.  i am learning that while words are immediate and soothing, repetition of them may be covering for the lack of sincerity behind them.  i am learning that if the right person tells you something honest and meaningful one time - even if they stumble over it and almost throw up saying it - it might be enough.  assuming, of course, that their actions follow through and support it.  it may not be necessary to hear that thing over and over again. NICE, yes...just not necessarily indicative of the honesty and the validity of the thing.  nuff said.

and so, life goes on...if we are lucky.

hopefully we surround ourselves with people who love us in spite of ourselves. i seem to.

(illegal) conversations while driving...

i was talking on the phone with a friend today who has been having some trouble with her teenagers.  (she says as if this is headline news in ANY dimension).  she was very upset at a pretty serious turn of events of late regarding her kids. very upset.  lots of guilt and embarrassment and feelings of failure. again, typical - i think - for the average mother of teenagers to experience. the little bastards suck the life right out of you.  there is a reason God made us love them so fucking much...but, i digress.

so, back to HER story...she was crying and i was trying to put a positive, if not bright, spin on the situation, asking a few questions and getting a few answers in return.  between us we had established that this new situation was probably, ultimately a pretty good thing to have happened.  timing, location...all of it - seemed really shitty on the surface, but when we broke it down we both realized that it was not as horrible as it had at first seemed.  still not an ideal situation, but far from as bad as it could have been in the grand scheme of things. in fact, parts of it were actually going to work out rather awesomely.

having made her giggle at something stupid - yet visually hysterical, i might add - we were wrapping up our conversation and i said to her "i am such a firm believer that things really do happen for a reason - we don't always get it, but that doesn't mean that we won't some day" and she says to me in her soft, tear-hitchy voice, "i've been praying for answers lately, anything to help me help my kids before it's too late."

this may not seem huge, or revelational (is that a word?) or anything out of the ordinary to you, but i experienced a DUH moment that instant...this situation we had been discussing - this PROBLEM - was the answer to those prayers she had just mentioned as an afterthought.  not how she had imagined they would be answered, to be sure...but damn, i pert-near heard the tabernacle choir belting out a hallelujah right then. i literally got goosebumps.

now, you may or may not believe in a higher power.  maybe you believe instead in the power of positive thinking or maybe you think that faith is simply misguided desperation.  whatever, for me this was powerful shit.  so powerful that i'm still thinking about it 7 and a half hours later and it fills me with this...this...hope.  it leads me to think that perhaps my life isn't just a badly written soap opera...that maybe there is a path for me and that i just have to pay better attention to where i am being guided.  maybe i need to allow myself to BE guided.  maybe i need to toss aside my preconceived notions of where i think i should be going and what i think i should be doing, and what i think the answers are, effectively ending the constant struggle i have within myself to direct everything towards my idea of the endgame.  what if i just continue to do what i know to be the right things, but allow other things - things i really have no clue about - to just...........happen?
whoa.
is that lame? is that giving up? bending over? CAPITULATION?
i don't know.
i will tell you that it gave me the first ray of hope that i have had in a long while.  i even experienced a split second of clarity.  so that must be a god thing, right?
that was a total typo.  i swear i typed "so that must be a good thing"

so anyway - there's this

and, on that note...i think it's time for mr nyquil to tuck me into bed   :)

toxicity. some people just like to say..."toxicity".

i've been gone for awhile - ventured out to do a few different things, and i've made a lot of serious changes in the last year or so.  i won't burden you with everything, but i will give you the low down on a couple things that i've learned:

1)  i've learned that even when you think your life is ok just the way it is, sometimes it needs to be tweaked.  not because it's the easy thing to do and maybe even more rarely because it's the smart thing to do.  it is necessary because it is the RIGHT thing to do...i did some serious tweaking (as opposed to twerking, although if i did do that - it would be epic-ally serious) about a year ago. hurt some people that i will always love dearly, very badly and i will forever hate that i had to make that choice, but it needed to be done - i think it was the right thing to do. i stand here almost 14 months later and i have never doubted what i had to do.  i hope to eventually right all of my wrongs and revisit the life i left, after i am well.  until then, though.

2)  i learned that it's so important, once you actually take the above leap, to continue looking forward - backwards is fine if you are a fan of Every Chick Ever In a Horror Movie Chase Scene and you feel the strange need to trip and fall and be doomed forever...but me?  that shit just pisses me off.

3)  i have learned - and, oddly enough, this completely unrelated to number 1, totally different category of people - that some of the people that you love the most are the worst people in the world to surround yourself with in your every day life.  these are people that, if you can't bring yourself to rid yourself of them completely, should at the very least be put upon a shelf.  sure, you can take them down occasionally and dust them off as long as you know, without a doubt, that you are strong enough to put them right back up there at the first sign of drama. some family members and all snookie-lovers belong in this category.  sorry:  see number 4.

4) i learned that you can't always protect others from the harshness of the truth. i have spent nearly all of my adult life trying to create a buffer between painful truths and the people that, for whatever reason, i felt needed to hear them.  i realized that sometimes the buffer i created actually worked as a deflector.  it did it's job too well and i'd come to find out that the truth never really reached it's target because i was trying so hard to protect the one that needed to hear it.  so here i am going about the painful process of being honest and trying to, what i believe to be enlightening someone - so desperate to protect their feelings, yet get them to understand - and i was sabotaging my intentions the entire time.  bottom line:  be gentle, but be sure you actually hit your mark.  much less damage this way.  and yes, THIS is totally related to number 1.

5)  i've learned that living in an apartment is the least conducive place for this girl's healthy mental state.  ok, so living in a van by the river might not be so hot either...but, i can only attest to what i actually know, and so far, apartments depress the ever-living SHIT out of me.

6)  i've learned that no matter what i have convinced myself of in the past as far as relationships go, i need to be challenged.  i need to be called on my shit. and yes, i do spew some from time to time.  i have had only a few long-term/serious relationships.  the first one, i was too young and completely clueless - looking back i now know that i did just about everything wrong there.  following that, i became entirely too subservient and controlled...according to that one, i just wasn't good at very much.  thirdly,  i was treated like a queen - i seemed to have bypassed the princess status and went straight to the Grand Dame.  it wasn't that i did nothing wrong here, it's just that even when i did screw up - it was just no big deal.  sweep that shit under the rug and let's eat.  i think that i have learned that all of these were just too extreme for me, not necessarily bad - just not right.  i need in-between in my life.  i need yin and yang; NOT to be confused with conflict.  i do not need that bullshit. i need to be allowed to be me as long as me is decent, kind and patient - and i'm not always.  i need to be checked when i forget that life isn't all about me.  i need to be reminded - nicely, of course - that sometimes shit sucks but it's a part of life. i have learned that i need balance.

7)  i have learned that i need to write.  it cleanses me. it gives me clarity.   i've learned that i cannot survive without clarity - it provides me with silence.  not literal silence - that is a rarity  - but a mental quieting.  my brain is a strange place - but it's fun and mostly cluttered.  we're talking CONSTANT chatter.  i need to step back on occasion and do something to make it just shut the fuck up...getting the noise out of my head and onto paper gives me this silence...followed by sweet, sweet clarity.  it is a good thing.

8)  i've learned that i believe we all invite toxic thoughts, situations and people into our personal bubbles. usually unintentionally, although, there are one or two people i know who simply must thrive on the drama of fucked up situations and relationships, as they do absolutely nothing to rid themselves of all of this crap in their lives, and actually seem to continue to pile it on day after day, year after year.  personally,  i'm learning that this cycle can be broken.  i'm learning to break free from myself.

:)

i live. sorta.

been working on bringing this back into my life.  been a dry spell and i have only recently realized how therapeutic writing is for me.  problem is i tend to share too much and people get hurt.  or judgmental.

i'm getting over it :)

be back soon...pinky-swear.

i DO teach them respect...

believe it or not, i teach my kids to respect authority.  i really do and i'm sincere about it. but, i also teach my kids that just because they are kids doesn't mean that any person of  "authority" can make them their bitch.  two way street, respect.  you give respect and you earn it.   my kids have made, and will more than likely continue to make, stupid decisions on occasion.  hello...K-I-D-S.   sure, i can forewarn them and help guide them...but bottom line rule number one in Shawna's Handbook of Stellar Parenting is Pick Your Fucking Battles.

my kids have been raised to follow the rules set for them.  if a particular rule seems to have no real meaning other than, "because i said so", or the reason is plumb-fuck stupid, bring it to me, we'll discuss it.  present your case, if it's done well, the odds are that you'll get a revised rule.  not always, but generally speaking.  of course, if mama's in the middle of a nap or busy gettin' her drink on you might want to wait a bit...but hey, that's rare.

the toughest part for me has been teaching my kids that sometimes you have to bite the ass's ass and just conform.  if you have no real reason to balk at a rule, you just find yourself feeling a little itchy and want to tell someone to fuck off...maybe you should look twice at, and probably follow, the rule.  some "grown-ups" have never learned that the fastest way to get a kid to understand something is to EXPLAIN your reasons for asking them to do something in particular.  concept.  now, don't get me wrong - there have been plenty of times that the words "BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!" have spewed from my lips.  usually this is after i've tried explaining my reasoning and seem to have hit a brick wall of smelly, defiant teen angst.

over the last 10 years, i've gone head to head with certain levels of administration in this school district.  depending on the issue, i've stepped up at the request of my kids or because i was personally unhappy with something that had come to my attention.  i've dealt with issues ranging from male-child hair actually touching (GASP!) eyelashes to a suspension stemming from a child jay-walking 25 minutes after, and two blocks away from, school.  seriously ridiculous shit. safe to say i've made no friends in this school system and have probably set my daughter up for a rough road based strictly upon her surname.  regardless, i think my kids have learned some valuable lessons from my stand-offs.

i'm sure there are many (did i mention, MANY?) people that wonder how i've escaped losing my children to the state based upon my continual parental performances. what i would like to say to those people is that, surprisingly enough, my children really are very well balanced.  i'm not in denial, i swear to you.  i have amazingly open relationships with my kids.  they respect me - we do give each other a lot of shit, but when they hear the specific tone or see the specific look from across the room, they pay attention.  my kids have learned to trust me and most of my decisions.  they trust that, for the most part, if i stick to something it's because i have a good reason.  i do, as a result, have to put up with a fuckton of back and forth explaining...but if it gets our points across to each other, i'm cool with that.

i remember very clearly the frustration of being told that i couldn't do something that i believed from the bottom of my soul i should be able to do. i remember screaming in my bedroom about the unfairness of being to do something that i believed with all my mind that i shouldn't be forced to do. i also remember, very clearly, The Curse of  "i hope you have kids just like you someday... you'll see."

and i do.  and i do.

they are my life...

sometimes i get into a funk.  different reasons, different funks.  i'm creating today and was having a hard time really getting into it.  i started looking at pictures to print and pretty soon, i'm crying and laughing at the same time.  you guys may not see the humor here, but these little freaks bring me so much joy.  i sat them down last winter to take a few pictures to finish up a project.  what i got was pictures of one child who was higher than an effing kite, one who was perfect and one that was buttah, he was on such a roll.  i'll let you figure out who was what.  bottom line:  these little fuckers bring me so many emotions.  sadness, stress, elation, anger, frustration, happiness, worry...but most of all joy.  pure, unadulterated, overflowing, gushing joy.

i fucking love you guys.
thank you so much, for you.

pert near time to shit, or get.

lots to process these days.

big changes are looming, decisions to make, paths to take...it's time to at least pretend like i'm a grown-up for awhile.

*sigh*

divorce papers are signed - after 7 years.  hell, after 20 years - it was a long road, rewarding in so many ways.  no regrets.  we have now each retreated to our corners and are taking a breath.  we are still partners in parenting and we are - amazingly - friends.  seems we have always been headed in two different directions...and now we find that, finally, it works.

i have so many decisions to make and i find that all i want to do is run away.  from everything.  i can't breathe here, i need to breathe.  i'm circling - shit, i'm balls out spinning - around and around.  don't know where to stop, don't know where to start.  i have people depending upon me, depending upon the decisions i make.  i don't want to make any of them, i just want to fade out.  i have people counting on me to do the things that are right for them.  i've rarely ever done the right thing.  and now, it appears that it's really important. totally fucking sucks. (she says in her new grown-up, responsibility-laden voice).

it's changing me. i feel it, from the inside.  it's frightening because i have no idea what the result will be. truly...none.  for such a long time, i've just ambled along just doing my thing.  going where i'm supposed to go, doing what i'm supposed to do, then making the time to do what i wanted. what if i no longer know what i want?  what if i never really did?  i stop, step back and take a look at shawna and wonder what the fuck her life is even about now.

i dig me, i just confuse the shit outta me.  i make things so much harder than they need to be.  it's a great time in my life...i'm starting to feel the freedoms that come when your kids branch off and start to do their own things.  one kid is moved on to do his own grown-up thing.  i feel for him...i remember when i first became aware of real responsibility.  i remember wanting to run back home, dive behind my mom and say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?".  i feel for him because he is in such a hurry to get moving in his life - we always are.  i get it, but i still feel pangs of sadness for what lies ahead of him. having to back away from mama-bear mode is very hard for me.  i know he has mistakes to make, i know he may fall.  i believe he is strong enough to get back up and straighten the shit out, but it still frightens me.  another kid seems to be growing emotionally right before my eyes.  it may be a temporary thing, but what i am seeing is helping to ease some of the stress.  thank God.  yet a third kid is beginning a whole new chapter in her life these days.  she too, is growing before my eyes - here it is more of a physical/mental thing.  she is growing but she is just now entering a whole new realm of reality for all of us:  a teen-aged daughter/sister/creature-with-snake-hair/whatever thing.  she will change each and every one of us, in one way or another.

i am at a crossroads.  a natural one, i get that, but no less frightening than any other has been for me.  i just don't do change well...looking back into the past on some of the biggest changes that have occurred in my life, i realize that i have rarely handled them well, emotionally.  i realize that after the dust settles, i tend to flail about for a good while longer.  trying to find *my* ground.  sometimes it takes awhile.   i will see to it that the things that need to be taken care of, are...but won't be surprised if i wander off in my head afterwards to sort it all out.

baby steps.  fuck this day-at-a-time crap.  i WANT to take it one bottle at a time, but even *I* know that isn't the way to handle things.  :)

how about we do this one hour at a time. i think i can do that.

all kindsa fucked up.

i was told last week that i was to not blog about what's been going on in my life.  it's private, shawna...keep it that way.  know what?  this is me...giving a shit about what you think.  i communicate, it's what i do...i realize that's a foreign concept to you.  oh, and you know what else?  ...fuck you.  just because you continue to hide everything away so no one will ever discover the truth about you, doesn't mean i have to.  not any longer. you aren't my real dad.  my real dad digs me.


<3 i love you, real dad <3

i am in turmoil.  like i haven't been in a really long time...things keep hitting me from all sides and i'm buckling.  seriously.  i truly am a weak person.  sure, i can be strong on the outside and around people i don't love. i will protect and shield those i do love, when they need it.  but, get me inside, surrounded by my heart and i am a complete mess.  i cry, i question everything i've ever done.  it blows balls.  i am all kindsa fucked up.

out of respect for those involved, i won't go into details, as much as i feel the desire to...i will say that i have hit a wall in one respect - i'm out of ideas. i've beat my head against this for about 3 years now over the same thing.  even when it appears to be, it's not better, just smoke and mirrors.
{hahahahaaaa, omg i just made a joke and you have no clue.  seriously, i think i'm finally going bat-shit crazy.  ok...back to the surface i go.}
the truth is, nothing has really changed in this situation...all of the talking and rationalizing and deal-making.  none of it seems to have made any difference...it's still going downhill.  or at the very least, plateaued at a not-so-great-actually-rather-shitty-when-you-really-look-at-it level.  i went to my final at-bat with regards to this last week and i'm pretty sure i have still failed.  time will tell, but it's not looking good.  does there comes a point in certain relationships where it's better if we say "fuck it, i really truly gave it my all and i don't know what else to do" and let the chips fall where they fall?  is there really is a point in which you can do no more to help someone see a positive path?  this will come back to bite me in the ass, i have no doubt.  somehow, it will fall back on me - but i really truly have no other aces up my sleeve right now.  it's quite possibly time to let what will be, be.

on another front, i have been fucked over by my personal sense of trust and judgement.  it is really messing with my head.  someone i trusted with all of me turned out to be nothing but a manipulative piece of judgmental, psychotic shit.  don't really want to talk about that.  it is very nerve-wracking.  but, i find myself questioning every thing and worse, every ONE right now. good on you, you piece of shit...you have infiltrated the inner sanctum.  you have fun with that...you fucked up mother-fucker.

lastly - i don't mean to be cryptic, but stick with me here, i do have to protect the "innocent" - someone close to me is echoing someone else who used to be close to me.  in a very painful way and, therefore...it really fucking hurts. bad.  like a knife directly into my gut and then twisted over and over again, bad.  back to the questioning everything.  this has me rethinking everything i've spent the last 25 years doing.  everything.  think about it.   go back 25 years and question the direction you set off in back then.  maybe you shouldn't have taken that particular path, eh?  maybe, just maybe, you should have done something COMPLETELY different.   like, oh...i dunno...become an astronaut, a hobo, a fucking nun*, for that matter...ANYthing other than what you chose.  you were clearly not cut out for this shit. in fact, you are definitely sucking at it.  you are sucking at your chosen way of being a contributing member of life right now.


(*hahahhaaaaa...i said "a fucking nun").


these things have me seriously wondering if i may really, honestly be a certifiable head-case. (all together now..."nooooo, really?")  it would maybe not explain everything, but would at least give a reasonable platform for all that is fucked up.  normally, i would think that possibility was totally cool and bask in it, but i still have to be a responsible person for some people in my life.  ball-blowing, i say.

it's a shitty place to be and i'm really trying to find happy-shawna - she is still in there, just squashed a bit by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.  usually this passes, but i've never actually been up against what i am facing now.  i'm a little bit scared, and that just doesn't happen that often. i'm not sure what to do with it.

hold on loosely, bisshes....don't let go.

the word fuck: it's a thing of beauty really...

dear lurkers that are righting all the wrongs in the world via my blog...

fuck you.

here's an idea.  tend to your own knittin'..my ex is no longer my dad.  running to him to tell on me does nothing but raise his blood pressure, piss him off at something he can't control and make you look like the assclowns you are.  mind your own fucking business and if that is simply too boring, find someone else to fuck with.  leave me alone. believe me, each morning that i wake up is a thorn in his ass - you aren't doing anything novel and innovative by tattling. it cracks me up that you keep coming back to read, copy and report.  actually all you are doing is mortifying him by even bringing me up - and if you haven't figured it out yet, i truly couldn't care any less.  i know what he thinks of me and i'm quite happy with who i am.  seriously, if you don't like what you see, GO THE FUCK AWAY.  no one invited you here, no one cares what you think.

wait, did i mention fuck you?

i'm sure you are all shocked at what a classless bitch he was married to and i'm totally cool with that.  at least i'm real. as far as i know, i still live in a country that protects my right to say almost whatever the fuck i want on my fucking fuckity-fuck blog.  so no...your noble efforts aren't going to get me to "behave".  i "behaved" for him for over 15 years.  so totally over it.

once again, in case you had trouble with it the first two times.  fuck you.  now run along and find someone who gives a shit.  i'm too busy actually living my life.  fucking idiots.

to shoot or not to shoot...

school rant #3:

go ahead and add the high school nurse to the list of people that hate me...i'll wait.

CA kids are now required to have a bullshit booster shot or they will not be allowed to enroll in school next year. the martinez kid is stressed about not getting his schedule if i don't race down and pay for a booster shot that he shouldn't need. another bullshit scare tactic.  the school's need the money, they'll let my kid in; i just have to sign a waiver. can i really be the only one that calls them on their freakin' dumbass rules? according to the nurse...pretty much, yea.


she told me it was for the safety of my child.  we had a whooping cough "epidemic" in CA last year and 7 kids died.  i asked her if all of those kids had been immunized or if the parents had opted out and she said, and i quote "uhm, i can't verify that - i can tell you that almost all of them either hadn't started or hadn't finished their series of childhood immunizations". 

yea.  that's what i thought.  you know, you peeps that choose to not immunize your kids - for whatever reason - are largely to blame here.  people dying from the freakin whooping cough? in this day and age - seems a bit ridiculous.  i immunized my kids...i didn't like it, they didn't like it, i stressed when they ran fevers afterward - but i did it.  i followed the rules, like a good trained meenky.  now those of you who didn't are threatening the health of MY kids? kinda pisses me off.


i know, i know...immunizations are maybe linked to autism and other things, i get it.  it's a personal decision whether or not to immunize.  personally, i figured the odds of my child developing something terrible after getting shots were slim enough.  plus,  i would rather my children and i be the ones that suffered from my decision TO immunize, instead of a school full of kids that get polio because of my decision to NOT. again, personal choice; no judgment.

argh.  i live in a freakin' community of cattle.  they just go along to get along.  "oh, the state said so?  ok, they must know what they are doing." uhhhh, yea.

jeebus, marcus and jimbob.

with all due respect, william and kate...

i am freaking seething right now.  therefore, i'm once again all over the map :)

two weeks ago my 5th grader informed me that she watched portions of the royal wedding in class that day.  that earned an internal eyeroll on my part, thinking to myself "how the fuck does this even begin to pertain to the education of an 11-yo girl?"  but, i managed to keep my disdain inside as i asked her how the teacher tied that into her average school day...not surprisingly, she had no clue..."i dunno, it was just on".  this morning, the final launch of the space shuttle Endeavor was televised live from Cape Canaveral shortly after her school day started.  this afternoon, when i asked her if they watched it in class, she said to me, "what's a space shuttle?" 

whattheeffevs. i'm so over this school district and their Nazi-control-freak-about-ridiculous-things-yet-clueless-about-things-that-might-actually-affect-the-kids-in-a-positive-way ways. these kids can only wear shorts to school from may through september...keeping in mind they are out of school june, july and august of those 5 months and that central valley often reaches into the triple-digit temps well into october.  they are told that the shorts are a distraction and they are lucky they are allowed to wear them at all during the school year.  these kids also have rules about how long their hair can be - well, the boys have rules; the girls, not so much.  their hair cannot be in their eyes, cannot be past their earlobes and cannot touch the collar of their shirt at the back of the neck.  i'm told it's a "distraction" if these guidelines aren't kept. once,  i went so far as to suggest braden use a hair clip to keep his hair back out of his eyes...the administrator didn't see the humor and denied my request. one time, at band camp, my child was pulled out of class and sent to the office to call me for a change of clothes because he had a factory-ripped (and patched) 1.5" tear in his jeans.  evidently, pulling him out of class and sending him to the office wasn't a distraction, but the sewn-up tear was. our kids no longer recite the Pledge of Allegiance at school and if they were to, "God" wouldn't be allowed to participate.  everyone in sports gets a ribbon because if there were such things as winners and losers, feelings would get hurt. uhm, yea...i could go on.  

re-fucking-diculous.

side note:  there are parts of our dress code that i do understand:  no pro-sports team jerseys, hats, logos whatever.  it's a gang thing, check;  ass cheeks are not to be hanging out when they are allowed to wear shorts.  it's a horny teenager thing, check;  camouflage clothing (unless it's pink) is not allowed.  ok, not sure what the reasoning here is, unless they are afraid they'll lose a kid or two during the day to the underbrush outskirts of the enemy's perimeter *eyeroll*, but whatever, i've let it slide.  check.

sorry, back to my original rant.  at Garfield Elementary in Clovis CA, our 11 year old kids are watching the royal wedding in class, but not the launch of a space shuttle into space.  INTO SPACE.  that's still a big deal, right?  i mean, obviously it was back in the dark ages of *my* 5th grade. the AV nerds lived for shit like that.  rolling the equipment into the classroom, anticipation building because we were going to get to watch TV!  surely, America's space program still contains a "teachable moment" or two for science, for technology, for history, for SOMETHING, no?

in the news just last week:  "The World Economic Forum ranks the USA 48th in math and science education...On America’s latest exams (the National Assessment of Educational Progress), one-third or fewer of eighth-grade students were proficient in math, science, or reading. Our high-school graduation rate continues to hover just shy of 70 percent, according to a 2010 report by the Editorial Projects in Education Research Center, and many of those students who do graduate aren’t prepared for college. ACT, the respected national organization that administers college-admissions tests, recently found that 76 percent of our high-school graduates “were not adequately prepared academically for first-year college courses.”

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/06/the-failure-of-american-schools/8497/

48th?!?  how is that even fucking possible? how is that acceptable, how did this happen, we ask...well, *i'm* asking anyway.  in a phone call to the school tomorrow; in a letter to the school district this week and in a letter to the editor of every CA newspaper i can get ahold of.  i'm naming names, mary.  i'm fed up with this elitist, uppity and IGNORANT bullshit.  ok, quite honestly i've been fed up with it for a long time - but hey, i'm actually going to do something about it beyond my local bitching this time.  i let a lot of shit roll, i'm aware of that...and this royal wedding vs space shuttle launch in the classroom bullshit is small stuff in the grand scheme of things...but jeebus, it has something to say to everyone of us.  i think it's time we paid attention to what

should be sleepin'...

waiting for my friend mr nyquil to kick my ass.  sitting here thinking about disappointment and i've come to the conclusion, it blows balls.  i despise disappointment; i despise causing it and i despise feeling it...and i've done too much of both.

what's the answer, though - quit depending on people? quit allowing them to depend up on me?  who lives like that...bitter, resentful, lonely people is all i can think of.

it's not a huge stretch to expect honesty, to be expected to give honesty.  i sat back and dug into my brain's ass 6 years ago and made two lists:  one list of the things i absolutely would never live again without, and the other of the things i could never again live with.  honesty and dishonesty were at the top of those lists, hands down...no hesitation.  second on those lists were loyalty and disloyalty. third was probably something silly like bacon and bad breath; but i digress.

where i'm headed with this is that i am a pleaser and have found that the most effective way to please is to be a (an?) honest, loyal friend who tells it like it is, but in a way that isn't brutally painful.  oftentimes easier said than done...my greatest strength?  my empathy for others; my strongest weakness?  my empathy for others.  a double edged muther-fuckin sword, it is.

while i am who i am and have tried to accept that not everyone is like me - can i get a "THANK YOU OH MY GOD" for that - what i have trouble with is reconciling the fact that there are those that give and take and then there are those that just give OR take.  i take a lot, actually - i give more, but i do have the take-shit part down, with the trophy in my sights...it's fairly new to me so i expect that my grades will improve with time.

i give - dale and i have a joke about "givers" that we know and unfortunately, it is almost always referring to a slut of sorts...as in "she is SUCH a giver", meaning head, ass, what have you.  yea, anyway what was i saying?  oh yea - i give.  the people that i love have access to anything i am able to give to them, 24/7/364 (ha! actually chuckled at that)... i love it when i have what they need, really i do - it makes me happy.  maybe it's the cementing of some of my worth to them.  i dunno but probably, as being worthy seems to be something more valuable to me than gold (notice i did not say the b-a-c-o-n word).  but that, my friends, is a whole 'nuva therapy session.

moving on - someone mentioned to me the possibility of not expecting anything from others and thus, not being disappointed in them.  another person suggested i stop giving to certain people, that perhaps that would trigger something in the takers and make them change their evil ways.  neither one is an option for me.  i DO expect things from other people in my life.  i DO expect honesty and loyalty and a shoulder should i need it, from them.  further more, i cannot stop giving for a manipulative reason.  don't get me wrong,  i might-maybe be able to manipulate adolf-effing-hitler under the table if the mood strikes...but when it happens, i choose to do it unencumbered.  yet another session ;)

so what is the answer?  well hell...i guess it's to just keep on keepin' on.  i'll keep giving and maybe when all is said and done, i'll march my ass up to the Pearly Gates, drier than a dead dingo's donger, and Saint Jim-Bob will say "dayum gurrrrrrrl, let's have some wine!" and off we'll go talkin' about all the asswipes we passed something off to along the way.

ok...wow.  that made almost no sense at all.  i surely do love you my nyquilly boy...loves.

a few days early this year, but necessary for me right now...

i'm never sure whether or not to post this on the anniversary of the death of my daughter...i've decided to do it again this year for me and me alone.  it is a sad, painful recollection of the day she died, as told 18 years later.  it took a long time for me to put it all down into words and it was amazingly cleansing to do so.  she is always in my heart and she guides me daily.  still.

just a warning of sorts that it isn't pleasant.  it is raw and it is real.  it is a day in my life that changed everything i knew to be real and reshaped everything from that point forward.  it is actually the story of the day that i realized i had no choice but to live my life - regardless of what obstacles were thrown into my path.  we don't get to choose much of our way, but we do get the chance to change how we deal with things in our future.

to those who have never experienced this, may God allow you to continue on through your life without ever knowing it; to those who have experienced it - and i know way too many of you personally - know that you are never alone and that you actually were given an amazing gift.  something that you may not be able to hold in your arms today, but something that will give you the single-most amazing moment yet to come.

miss morgan: december 22, 1990

more sweet, than bitter...

the holidays are here again, the sky above is (still) clear (again)...shall we sing a song of cheer again, holidays are here again...

bittersweet.  word for the season...december 22, 2010 marks the 20th anniversary of my daughter morgan's death. whoa. 20 freakin years since my girl died at 10 months of meningitis.  which means she would be 21 on february 15, 2011. jeebus, how old AM i?  my grams died last month.  another huge void in my life.  i was raised with her 50 yards away until my mid-teens - she has been a huge part of me for as long as i can remember.  the girl and i made a trip up to see her in early october - and i will be forever thankful that we did.

feeling a bit blue and can't quite place my hand upon why.  i imagine it's a combination of things...but i generally love this time of year and i need to get my shit in gear, lol.  this is also the time of year i start to see a change in my kids.  energy level (read: obnoxiousness rating) goes up, boredom prevails and nerves get frayed.  my girl has been watching Christmas classics and listening to Christmas songs for weeks already.  she's hitting me up to decorate the Christmas tree this weekend.  i NEVER have my tree up this early.  i know this is what old people say, but it seems like i just took the damn thing down.

i think what is contributing to my funk is the fact that i am starting to realize that love leads to pain ---damn, raise your hand if you saw that coming--- what i mean is i'm getting to a point in my life when i am beginning to realize that life doesn't go on forever.  that we WILL have to say goodbye to those we love. the harder and the deeper we love, the harder and deeper the pain will run.  it WILL be devastating and there is no dodging it.  unless, of course, it is our life that ends first.  and so i find myself worrying.  morbid, yes; futile, yes; depressing, yes; but pointless, no.  i am learning - finally - that i should be living my life one moment at a time.  i need to appreciate all of the good that surrounds me.  i need to be a better, kinder, more thoughtful person.  i should be less judgmental (pffftt, yea, like that is ever gonna happen.)   my point is, it's never too late to change the way we affect other people.

seriously, when i look around at the people i truly love and i do mean L-O-V-E with all of my heart, and i try to imagine losing them...well, it's simple, i can't do it.  i know, very well, the pain of loss.  i know how devastating it is, how paralyzing it is, how it sucks the very breath out of your entire body leaving you frantically searching for a place where you can just crumble and fall, because you are sure you will never see the light of another day.  you pray to God to spare you from ever seeing the light of another day - anything, yes even death, is preferable to the pain.  how does one survive the knowledge that such loss lies on their life's horizon?

(cue JT)  you shower the people you love with love...you show them the way that you feel.  you don't dwell on the knowledge of the inevitable goodbye, but you must understand and accept it and then you prepare for it the only way you really can.  you love deeper, you hug tighter, you kiss longer, you squeeze harder.  you truly allow yourself to experience love.  bittersweet, absolutely...but i cannot imagine my life without it.  better to have loved and lost...?  no question.

group hug time. <3

the thin red line...

we all experience personal sacrifice.  whether we choose to make that particular sacrifice or have someone else choose for us;  whether we are certain that sacrifice needs to be made, or we allow life to make certain for us, sacrifices are still made.  it is a by-product of exercising free will;  we live and we (hopefully) learn.  if we are fortunate and maybe a little bit smart, we choose well and our lives become (or remain) a better place to be.  if a healthy mind weighs, decides and moves forward, then an unhealthy mind closes it's eyes, throws a dart and spends a lot of time wondering..."what if?"

so, what about the mind that falls somewhere in between?  what about the one that weighs and decides but still occasionally wonders...what if?  what about the mind that weighs, decides and moves forward, but fails to allow that sacrifice the freedom it deserves to become a choice further down the road?  in essence, denying it the air that it needs to breathe or clipping it's wings so that it cannot fly.  does this make that mind an unhealthy one? because it certainly seems pretty fucked up to me.  our insecurities stunt us.

and to sort of change tack here, because i was born a squirrel, i give you this to ponder:  i've experienced - let's call it - "jealousy" throughout my life.  i've been on both sides of it and despised every second that it has consumed - and consume, it does.  it is a natural and probably necessary emotion to some degree...but i generally attempt to deny it life in my world the same way i would someone attempting to shoot a larval-stage blowfly up my ass.   i've always seen jealousy as a generally rational fear of weak people.  the fear of losing something that you believe that you are in possession of,  whether due to self-sabotage or to someone that outright takes it away from you. regardless, the fear is that you will no longer be in control of this thing, whatever it may be.

the second half - envy - is a somewhat different beast, (i don't consider a true and honest desire to better yourself and/or your life, "envy"...i suppose that would be called "ambition". but, this isn't about ambition)  this is about coveting, which generally leads to scheming to get - or to destroy, something that is perceived as being possessed by someone else.  envy comes before the possession, jealousy after it.  both develop from our feelings of unworthiness...envy in not feeling worthy of getting something and jealousy in not feeling worthy enough of keeping it.   the two seem to be very closely related, yet still quite different.

so which is the lesser of two evils? which is more destructive?  which makes one more selfish?  why the fuck am i even pondering this?  going back to sacrifices and paths, i'm wondering whether or not certain speed bumps labelled "insecurities" stem from jealousy, envy or are just chalked up to living with (or without) the unknown.  not that it really matters, mind you.  living with the unknown is something we are all forced to do and the other two simply both blow wankers.  the unknown is easier to deal with.  it's a matter of getting your head straight long enough to move on, i suppose.  personally, i have suffered from both of those other two fuckers.  looking back,  if i had to choose, if i was allowed to pick my poison,  i'm pretty sure i would take the envy every time;  jealousy is a very hard core, painful kind of stinging bitch.  what about those people who really seem to not be affected by either one - do you know any of them?  are you one of them?   jeebs, now that's a place i'd give my left nut to reside forever, lol

i have sacrificed_____ for _____ and it was a good choice...


i have sacrificed _____ for _____ and it was a bad choice...


i am jealous of_____...

i am envious of_____...


i am content with_____...


i am blessed by experiencing _____...

*crickets chirping*  ok then...to be continued, lol.  but if you find you have very few things in your negative columns, if anything at all - lemme know your secret for self-confidence and your lack of insecurity.  you know, for educational purposes only.

peace out bitches.