the Tao and my anxiety

today is anxious.
i can't quite pinpoint why...i'm not sleeping well, i'm not eating much, i have a constant headache, i'm restless and bored, yet don't want to get out of bed.  i have plans to be away next week and i'm wishing i hadn't made them...although being away is always helpful, i know the anxiety always returns as soon as i have to.

i'm about sick of this shit.  i want to be happy when i open my eyes in the morning, not think "fuck...still here, still me".  i want to be enthusiastic about ANYTHING on a daily basis.  about life in general, for cripes sake...and so,

i'm starting to read the Tao...which is really interesting for me because i have never put any stock in anything like it before.  a friend of mine is really into it and just talking to him has helped, but then he turned me onto a video that has really started to change my way of thinking about my life - but it's such a fucking struggle to maintain a straight thought or keep my attention on anything for very long...regardless, it keeps pulling me back - i thought it was totally worth the 2 hours to watch it.  in fact, i've watched it twice already and gleaned even more from it the second time through.  it's about how we set traps for ourselves - and those around us - and get so wrapped up in our surroundings and our accomplishments and our things, that we forget to actually live our lives. it's powerful and practically slapped me in the face when i first started to watch it.  i found myself tearing up - i KNOW! - and furiously scribbling down notes, stopping the video and backing it up so i could hear something again. it's got a powerful message if you are ready to listen, because if you don't listen, you can't hear...

Dr Wayne Dyer: Ambition to Meaning - The Shift

so anyway, Dr Dyer references the Tao Te Ching, the things he had to say made me want to check it out for myself. the Tao is made up of verses to study and apply to your own life, to your own story. it's very cool. it's pretty deep, but so relative and powerful. i needed to read someone else's interpretation, cause it was all too much for my brain, it so happens that Dr Dyer took a full year to study the Tao and gives his interpretation, along with ideas for ways you can practice it in your own life.

Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

 i can only take one verse at a time, but i study it and try to apply it to my day for a couple of days...it's interesting, and it really is starting to change the way i look at things. AND i just realized that my anxiety has quieted down considerably just writing about it.

baby steps...