this morning. THIS moment...

i was awakened this morning to the sound of someone singing coming through the open window. when i say singing, i mean she was belting it the fuck OUT of the park.  i could hear no music and it didn't matter.  in fact, it made it even more incredibly beautiful.  this girl sang with fucking abandon.  pure unadulterated don't-give-a-flying-shit-who-hears-me abandon. it was seriously one of the most be beautiful things i've ever heard.  i bounced (BOUNCED - and i don't bounce) out of bed and ran to the window to see who it was, but no one was there.  still smiling, i grabbed my soup-kitchen britches, otherwise known as my jams, and went downstairs to grab some coffee and greet the day.

i wandered out to the front of the house. i stepped out onto the porch and saw that the purple irises were in full bloom, providing a perfect backdrop for what had always been one of my favorite places to sit here. fuckin-A, this was a good morning.

as i sat in the swing with my face to the morning sun, coffee in hand, looking at the grove of what has always been my favorite flower, i began thinking about why i loved irises so much;  they reminded me of growing up.  my mind drifted back to the singing girl and i started to tear up thinking of how much i missed being a little kid.  how much i missed being that fucking free.  out of the corner of my eye, i noticed that i wasn't the only one enjoying what was starting out as a perfect day.

He inched his way out from underneath the safety of the tree, searching for something delicious.  I startle him as I notice him and he starts to return to the tree.  He then freezes. Trying to detect danger.  He stops mid-chew - dandelion blossom dangling from his mouth. Finally, realizing that there is no real need to stop his search for food, he returns to the weed patch that is the front lawn and resumes his snacking.  He eventually stretches out with his belly on the cool grass, chewing his cud.  wait, do bunnies make cud?  He seems almost relaxed.  As much a bunny can relax.

Can bunnies ever really just chill?

He eventually retreats to the shade and protection of the pine tree…he – to me, it just seems like he’s a he - stretches out like a dog with his legs behind him, his chin down on the bed of pine needles.  His ears are up and alert, but his eyes drift towards closing. A red-winged blackbird swooping in from above startles him to an upright position, but again sensing no real danger, he starts to clean himself, pulling his ears down one at a time - a light cleansing this morning, nothing too intense.  All of a sudden, he drops and rolls in the dirt.  Again, like a dog he shakes himself off and resumes his stretched out position. I am officially in love with this bunny.

God, Fate, the Cosmos whatever you believe in, put me here in this spot, on this day, at this time. Me and the bunny.  me, the bunny and the irises in full bloom.  And the singing girl. This morning, this time, right now. This moment is so fucking good.

so, this is weird.

there seems to be this campaign going on here that i've really heard nothing about.  i'm not sure who this girl is - but evidently my state has rallied for her.  i think it's cool and all - hey, i'm all for supporting the little guy - i just wish i understood more about what her story was.  i'm pretty good at research, but can't find anything that leads me to get why this chick has sweatshirts with her name on them.  i thought maybe she was running for some kind of political office.  nope.  i even entertained the idea that maybe she had been kidnapped and everyone in the state just really wants to find her.  nope, can't find a word about it in the news. i guess maybe she is just some chick who had a lot of money and just thought it would be cool to see her name on clothing...kind of an apparel-whore, if you will.  weird that i can find no background on her - no clue what her last name even is.  oh well, maybe someday she will become as famous as those other one-named fancy people.  like madognuts, wyde-loda or bouncy...it could happen.

anywho, i bought one of her sweatshirts for my dot - just kinda how i roll...always up for the mystery and whatnot.  regardless...GO NIA - cali's got yer back!

all kindsa fucked up.

i was told last week that i was to not blog about what's been going on in my life.  it's private, shawna...keep it that way.  know what?  this is me...giving a shit about what you think.  i communicate, it's what i do...i realize that's a foreign concept to you.  oh, and you know what else?  ...fuck you.  just because you continue to hide everything away so no one will ever discover the truth about you, doesn't mean i have to.  not any longer. you aren't my real dad.  my real dad digs me.


<3 i love you, real dad <3

i am in turmoil.  like i haven't been in a really long time...things keep hitting me from all sides and i'm buckling.  seriously.  i truly am a weak person.  sure, i can be strong on the outside and around people i don't love. i will protect and shield those i do love, when they need it.  but, get me inside, surrounded by my heart and i am a complete mess.  i cry, i question everything i've ever done.  it blows balls.  i am all kindsa fucked up.

out of respect for those involved, i won't go into details, as much as i feel the desire to...i will say that i have hit a wall in one respect - i'm out of ideas. i've beat my head against this for about 3 years now over the same thing.  even when it appears to be, it's not better, just smoke and mirrors.
{hahahahaaaa, omg i just made a joke and you have no clue.  seriously, i think i'm finally going bat-shit crazy.  ok...back to the surface i go.}
the truth is, nothing has really changed in this situation...all of the talking and rationalizing and deal-making.  none of it seems to have made any difference...it's still going downhill.  or at the very least, plateaued at a not-so-great-actually-rather-shitty-when-you-really-look-at-it level.  i went to my final at-bat with regards to this last week and i'm pretty sure i have still failed.  time will tell, but it's not looking good.  does there comes a point in certain relationships where it's better if we say "fuck it, i really truly gave it my all and i don't know what else to do" and let the chips fall where they fall?  is there really is a point in which you can do no more to help someone see a positive path?  this will come back to bite me in the ass, i have no doubt.  somehow, it will fall back on me - but i really truly have no other aces up my sleeve right now.  it's quite possibly time to let what will be, be.

on another front, i have been fucked over by my personal sense of trust and judgement.  it is really messing with my head.  someone i trusted with all of me turned out to be nothing but a manipulative piece of judgmental, psychotic shit.  don't really want to talk about that.  it is very nerve-wracking.  but, i find myself questioning every thing and worse, every ONE right now. good on you, you piece of shit...you have infiltrated the inner sanctum.  you have fun with that...you fucked up mother-fucker.

lastly - i don't mean to be cryptic, but stick with me here, i do have to protect the "innocent" - someone close to me is echoing someone else who used to be close to me.  in a very painful way and, therefore...it really fucking hurts. bad.  like a knife directly into my gut and then twisted over and over again, bad.  back to the questioning everything.  this has me rethinking everything i've spent the last 25 years doing.  everything.  think about it.   go back 25 years and question the direction you set off in back then.  maybe you shouldn't have taken that particular path, eh?  maybe, just maybe, you should have done something COMPLETELY different.   like, oh...i dunno...become an astronaut, a hobo, a fucking nun*, for that matter...ANYthing other than what you chose.  you were clearly not cut out for this shit. in fact, you are definitely sucking at it.  you are sucking at your chosen way of being a contributing member of life right now.


(*hahahhaaaaa...i said "a fucking nun").


these things have me seriously wondering if i may really, honestly be a certifiable head-case. (all together now..."nooooo, really?")  it would maybe not explain everything, but would at least give a reasonable platform for all that is fucked up.  normally, i would think that possibility was totally cool and bask in it, but i still have to be a responsible person for some people in my life.  ball-blowing, i say.

it's a shitty place to be and i'm really trying to find happy-shawna - she is still in there, just squashed a bit by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.  usually this passes, but i've never actually been up against what i am facing now.  i'm a little bit scared, and that just doesn't happen that often. i'm not sure what to do with it.

hold on loosely, bisshes....don't let go.

more sweet, than bitter...

the holidays are here again, the sky above is (still) clear (again)...shall we sing a song of cheer again, holidays are here again...

bittersweet.  word for the season...december 22, 2010 marks the 20th anniversary of my daughter morgan's death. whoa. 20 freakin years since my girl died at 10 months of meningitis.  which means she would be 21 on february 15, 2011. jeebus, how old AM i?  my grams died last month.  another huge void in my life.  i was raised with her 50 yards away until my mid-teens - she has been a huge part of me for as long as i can remember.  the girl and i made a trip up to see her in early october - and i will be forever thankful that we did.

feeling a bit blue and can't quite place my hand upon why.  i imagine it's a combination of things...but i generally love this time of year and i need to get my shit in gear, lol.  this is also the time of year i start to see a change in my kids.  energy level (read: obnoxiousness rating) goes up, boredom prevails and nerves get frayed.  my girl has been watching Christmas classics and listening to Christmas songs for weeks already.  she's hitting me up to decorate the Christmas tree this weekend.  i NEVER have my tree up this early.  i know this is what old people say, but it seems like i just took the damn thing down.

i think what is contributing to my funk is the fact that i am starting to realize that love leads to pain ---damn, raise your hand if you saw that coming--- what i mean is i'm getting to a point in my life when i am beginning to realize that life doesn't go on forever.  that we WILL have to say goodbye to those we love. the harder and the deeper we love, the harder and deeper the pain will run.  it WILL be devastating and there is no dodging it.  unless, of course, it is our life that ends first.  and so i find myself worrying.  morbid, yes; futile, yes; depressing, yes; but pointless, no.  i am learning - finally - that i should be living my life one moment at a time.  i need to appreciate all of the good that surrounds me.  i need to be a better, kinder, more thoughtful person.  i should be less judgmental (pffftt, yea, like that is ever gonna happen.)   my point is, it's never too late to change the way we affect other people.

seriously, when i look around at the people i truly love and i do mean L-O-V-E with all of my heart, and i try to imagine losing them...well, it's simple, i can't do it.  i know, very well, the pain of loss.  i know how devastating it is, how paralyzing it is, how it sucks the very breath out of your entire body leaving you frantically searching for a place where you can just crumble and fall, because you are sure you will never see the light of another day.  you pray to God to spare you from ever seeing the light of another day - anything, yes even death, is preferable to the pain.  how does one survive the knowledge that such loss lies on their life's horizon?

(cue JT)  you shower the people you love with love...you show them the way that you feel.  you don't dwell on the knowledge of the inevitable goodbye, but you must understand and accept it and then you prepare for it the only way you really can.  you love deeper, you hug tighter, you kiss longer, you squeeze harder.  you truly allow yourself to experience love.  bittersweet, absolutely...but i cannot imagine my life without it.  better to have loved and lost...?  no question.

group hug time. <3

sewer trap

i'm sorry - potty mouth is going to apologize.  *sigh*  sometimes, i just get too angry for real words to help me feel better.  the word fuck helps me feel  better.  juvenile yes, but i can't help it, it just does.  i'm trying to temper it and looking back on my last post i obviously was at a loss for "real" words, lol.

anyway, no real point except i could have handled that a bit----wait wait wait.

wait. hold the *bleep* up - why am i apologizing and to whom?  it's my blog and i like the word fuck...(and shit and damn and hell).  if i stopped using it, someone somewhere would wonder what was wrong.  never mind  :D...back to your reggerly scheduled reading - nothing to see here.

there once was this guy...

that i didn't know. something happened to him and suddenly he was gone. just...gone. i see the reaction of people that did know him and i am touched. so deeply. i hope he had a sense of how treasured he was while he was here. i do doubt it, though...

we all want to believe that we have made a difference in at least ONE other person's life, don't we? i mean yes, mom's know that they have spawned other little human beings - some definitely questionable on exactly what percentage of them are really human, but i digress. so, in the area of reproduction some of us have made a difference, but what i mean is within other people's hearts and souls. people we may have never met, people we may have met but not recognized that we have connected in some way. people we have known but not understood. people that we assume we have made no difference in them whatsoever.

do you ever wonder what people will say/think/believe about you if you were suddenly just...gone? it freaks me out, lol...don't you imagine that your friends would certainly miss something - if only the droning of your voice as you ramble on and on and on about things that no one in their right mind, or otherwise, could possibly find interesting? would they miss something as cool as listening to you describe your dog dragging his ass on the concrete patio as you stand there and try to have a serious conversation with your stripper/bug guy? would they miss listening to you actually cry about stupid things? something as stupid as, oh i don't know...the fact that you went to the freezer jonsing for some strawberry toaster strudels only to find that your little savage bastard hoover-vacuum children have eaten all of them once again, left the empty box in the freezer and you HAVE. JUST. HAD. IT with their little mooching ruinous asses? would they miss hearing you laugh about even stupider things? something like the fact that you actually managed to make yourself look even lower than the white trash that you are by getting busted "stealing" a broken toilet seat from a pile of discarded stuff that sits in the street waiting for the trash man because you think you can use part of it for a nifty redneck planter? what about missing you bitch about really intelligent things? things like OMGGGGG how pissed off you get when you gesture to your significant other to grab a line at costco that is suddenly shorter than the one you are standing in, and the person behind you hears you and darts to the short line before your guy even begins to process that you are asking him to do something? holy SHIT that makes my balls boil...but wait, this isn't about me, lol.

my point is i am sitting here wondering if everyone who has touched my life knows that they have and to what extent? i'm talking about the ones that have touched it in a positive way - believe you me...those other bastards definitely know they have fucked up. you can't let that shit slide. again, digression. sorry. stop and think about it...do you know? (where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you, do you know?) do your people know it from you? maybe you should tell them, show them, make sure they do know...but be careful, people tend to get freaked out if you just pop into their life and say "hey, you know i dig you right? no matter what? ok cool, just checking" and dart off again. maybe ease into it a with a little more subtlety. something a little more personal, like, "hey remember that rash you were complaining about that just showed up that one time we got shitfaced and woke up naked on the homeless docks? good times - everything clear up ok? cool, keep on keepin' on and know i dig you baby". see class really does make all the difference.

serially - know that i dig you baby

back in black...

AC/DC in concert tonight - taking all the kids and even THEEX, cause i'm cool like that. bennett = very excited...like hard-to-sleep-last-night excited; braden = nonchalant...never been to a concert before, not sure what to expect, my fingers are crossed that he'll love it; the girl = excited, but she's not sure why...looking forward to having her chest pound and buying a t-shirt; dale = pretty damn excited, cause he's a rockah...; THEEX = eh, says he's looking forward to it, but too cool to show his excitement? me = pretty damn excited, but nervous that braden might not enjoy it. i'm not big on rowdy crowds, so not really looking forward to that - but hey, it's AC/DC and we are on the highway to hell.

family yardwork gathering tomorrow morning - not really looking forward to whiney, tired and sweaty kids, but need to get our yard in shape - it looks like crap...you'd never believe mexi's live here, hahahaaa! hey they're my kids, i can say that.

sunday, we are having a bbq next door - good friends, good food, good booze, good weather (should be cooler the next couple of days - THANKYOUGOD!)

monday will just be another relaxing day, nowhere to be, nothing to do...kids are out of school.
life really is swell. really really.

must. stop. apologizing.

i'm beginning to accept the fact that i just plain and simple blow at some things. sometimes i blow because i don't try hard enough. sometimes i blow because my brain and/or my body can't keep up with my intentions - which are generally good. but sometimes, sometimes...one just blows for the inexcusable sake of blowing.

i am a pleaser, and by extension an apologizer. this comes to my attention as i threaten to shock-collar treatment my dot if she says "sorry" one more time. seems no matter who says what to her, that's almost always the first word outta her mouth. for example, i say "thank you for cleaning up the cat poop that your dog snacked on in the kitchen" and she will say (with plenty of 'tude) , "well, SAW-REE, at least i cleaned it up!"; one of her brothers will say (ok, yell), "hey brynn, will you turn down the music?" and she will sweetly reply in her little girl voice "JEEZ...SAW-REE! you guys play it loud all the time"; once i called her to me to see how she was feeling saying "sis, your tum still feeling funny?" and she thought i said something about stealing money and about burst into tears, squeaking out "SAW-REE! i didn't do it, dad gave me that, i pinky-swear, mom!" took me a bit to figure out what the hell had just happened (bottom line is, whatever she was talking about she was sure as hell telling the truth - you don't just throw that pinky-swear thing out there without being able to back it up.), she may have been a bit paranoid about the money thing as she has been known to lift a sawbuck or two from others, but my point is that somewhere along the line she has become annoyingly apologetic. i realize that there are worse things for her to say out of habit. granted, "sorry" certainly has carries bonus points over "fuck you", but you must get my point. she doesn't even listen to what is being said before she blurts out how sorry she is.

i'm now becoming aware that i apologize all the time myself. someone backs into me and i'm sorry for getting in the way. i'm riding in someone's car and they hit a bump and slosh my coffee---oops, sorry should have anticipated that pothole. after letting the phone ring 15 times, someone answers the second i finally hang up...shit-sorry! hair-goddess has to fix my 'do because i trimmed it crooked while trying to get a piece of hair she had left hanging in my eye. i pay her enough to feed a small eastern country to cut my hair perfectly and i'm sorry? i leave behind two plates while cleaning the table off as my hands are too full as it is, and someone brings them into the kitchen after me. sorry about that, should have balanced my load better so you wouldn't have to help me. seriously. wtf?

so, the beginning of my quest to end the unnecessary apologizing is here. this all started because i was going to apologize for not updating my blog in the last month. well screw that. i'm really not sorry, i've been a busy little buffalo this last month. it's not like i've been sitting around with my feet up whilst others wait on me hand and foot. well ok, part of the time i did that, but mostly i was really physically exhausted and mentally incapacitated by responsibilities---responsibilities that i brought upon myself, but still they needed tending to and i managed to tend and survive and now i'm here to update you all. instead i rambled on about something stupid and mundane and wasted all the time i have to catch everyone up...sorry.

for the love of fresh air.

holy crap where the hell have i been?

i didn't realize it's been a couple of weeks since my last post. what a freakin slacker, LOL! bennett and i are chillin' at the lake this week while brynn and braden are enjoying knott's berry farm with their dad. all of us are heading for home tomorrow and will attempt to ready ourselves for the new school year that starts monday morning. gah.

the kids and i went camping at greenhorn last weekend and had a lot of fun, well...until it was time to break camp. that gets me crabby. plain and simple. we brought sutter down with us - she is still recovering from her surgery - and i'm thinking she won't be wanting to go home anytime soon. she loves it here. she chases lizards and bunyas. she watches the coyotes from a safe distance and seems to enjoy just roaming around. she is healing nicely and there is no sign of any new lumps. she got her first bath in about...oh, i dunno - 8 years...the other day. she was so filthy from camping, i had no choice. she is definitely being spoiled though, she slept in a tent with the kids up on the mountain, and here she is quite comfy indoors with a big ole comforter and her own fan. sheesh, even the dog has an easy life.

i wish i had tales of shawna-style camping to tell you. nothing incredibly funny happened, nor did i do anything particularly stupid. my girl did not bellow across the campground this year, wondering if i was ready to tie one on at 7am. no one put anyone else's eye out with flying woodchips and/or horseshoes. it was simply relaxing and beautiful. the weather up there (at appx 5500 feet) was absolutely gorgeous - around 83 while it was 100 down in the valley.

we didn't have any interesting visitors in the night, although we were awakened a couple of mornings by some seemingly pissed off chipmunks. oh and by the daily warming up of the meat-bee indy 500. we saw a gorgeous doe (a deer, a female deer) and her twins - spots and all, OMG they were adorable. they were very casually wandering through the backside of our camp in single file stopping to nibble flowers here and there - very peaceful and calm. we tried to follow the movements of a couple of combative squirrels up in the tree tops. they would squawk at each other and the take off running, leaping from tree to tree, knocking crap down all over everyone. only twice this year did they attempt the art of murder-by-pinecone...i'm happy to report that they missed both times, but they definitely managed to skeer the bejeebus outta me. these cones are probably a foot long, maybe 5 inches in diameter and they are green so they weigh a TON. drop that pup from a height of about 70 feet and they become dangerous little bombs. little furry bastards.

anyway, sorry i haven't posted, i still have stories to tell from my trip to the coast. ugh. hopefully i can transition back to the school-year routine easily enough and get back into a schedule of my own. i love the freedom of summertime, but look forward to the FOOTBALL and cooler weather that fall brings.

back soon.

lost in the magic

whew! been a busy week...i've rediscovered a TON of my music and have been busy streamlining my ipod. some of my favorite new stuff is Live, check out The Dolphin's Cry...i love music, always have. i almost always have itunes blasting on my computer or my ipod plugged in to my head. it motivates me to clean, it motivates me to scrap, motivates me to meditate. i wake up to it, i fall asleep to it, i clean my car to it. get it? i love it... you know how songs can instantly transport you to a different time, a different place, an exact moment in time - what else can do that?

R.E.M - Everybody Hurts takes me back to 9-11 and the pain and passion and the unity of an entire country;

Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply, love the song but it does bring back the absurdity of darva and rick of Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire fame;

Stevie Wonder - Ma Cherie Amore (ok this one is is rather obscure) brings to me the vision of my dad hogging the single bathroom in a house full of 6 people, grooming and admiring himself in the mirror for hours, singing his own version that goes a little like "ma cherie amore, you dirty fucking whore..." (oh yea, dad's not only a classic, but an entire chapter unto himself);

Crowded House - Don't Dream it's Over, ah the ever sexy neil finn crooning on a summer evening whilst i delivered auto parts at 20 (hey, only the coolest job evah!) "hey now, hey now..."

anything Gin Blossoms reminds me of the first time i met fleck and of the two of us blasting down the freeway in SLC headed to an LSS or bothering the locals for directions to a mexican food restaurant - geez, who's a girl gotta blow to get a beer in that town, anyway???

Joan Jett - Crimson and Clover, for some reason takes me to the scuzzy apartment of some college yo's that were more than likely trying to get kathy and i drunk in the irrational hopes of an impromptu orgy (yea, like there's any other kind - not that i know first hand, but you get where i'm going here...) yea ok, moving on;

Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven reminds me of my older brother locked behind his bedroom door plucking away at his guitar, learning himself some skillz. and also of middle school's Mr Johnson strumming it on his guitar at music hour with me (lost in the music), unaware of my head bobbing to the music when the entire song changed tempo, making the mean people in the class crack up. mortifying.

ooh how about some Roxette - It Must Have Been Love puts me in the wind-blown passenger seat of the (original chick-magnet chrysler lebaron) convertible headed to the napa valley with mike - happy, free and completely unstressed;

there is the disturbing image that Rod Stewart's - Tonight's the Night conjures up of the icky older brother of one of my friends trying to convince me - at about 13, mind you - that the phrase "spread your wings and let me come inside" meant that i needed to gift him my virginity...eew gross. to this day that songs makes me cringe...

i remember my dad and i belting out gawd-knows-who's (ok, it's Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods [yea, everybody now - ah HELL NO does she know that]) - Billy Don't be a Hero in the car;

my earliest pain-inducing crush was on Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere and the Raiders fame (suh-WOON) singing "cherokee people, cherokee pri-hiiiide" on that mega hit Indian Reservation (The Lament of the Cherokee Reservation Indian) sigh - such passion, such a cause...

Tone-Loc - Funky Cold Medina taught me that i did not, in fact, have any rhythm and to watch out for chicks named sheena sportin "an osca meyah weinah"

Cowboy Junkies - Crescent Moon, discovered in a rented cottage (the bedroom was antique blue toile - gorgeous) in the lovely california wine-country town of st. helena. can i just say here that margo timmins freakin kicks ASS - her voice is so hauntingly beautiful, pretty much anything she touches is gold, you really should check her out, if you aren't familiar with her.

how about the timeless classic Queen - We Will Rock You...i kid you not, i remember what road i was on, in what car and whom i was with when i first heard this song (redding ca, hilltop drive, I-5 underpass making a right hand turn onto the freeway in the little red datsun B210 with my mom and my older brother mark) from the newly purchased just-released News of the World album - which also introduced us to the really raunchy Get Down, Make Love - who can forget freddie's rather subtle tribute to raw (gay, though we didn't know it at the time) sex? "you say you strong, i say you weak - you say you hungraaay, i give you meat. i suck your miiiiind, you blow my head - make love...inside your bed - everybody get down, make love..." ah good times hangin' out with the fam...

Eddie Money - Sh-Sh-Shakin' my first rock concert baby - wow did i have a crush on him - he was old and kinda ugly, but damn he rocked my prepubescent world...

Waylon Jennings - Ain't Livin' Long Like This tosses me back to a glorious, college-boy filled (were their names paul and mark? hmmm...) steamy summer vacation in tempe, arizona

and for the last forever, every school morning when i pass my neighbor sylvia, Dr. Hook - Sylvia's Mother (oh yea, you know it - sing along with me) pops into my head "...and the operator says... 40 cents more... for the next... three... minutes, pleeeeeeeeease mrs. avery i, just gotta talk to her..."

as you can see, i can go on and on - i absolutely love music, i have very eclectic, varied tastes. i love classic rock, alternative rock, classical, disco ("looking for a lover that needs another - don't want another night on my own - i wanna share my love with a warm-blooded lover, i wanna bring a wild man back home. gotta have some hot love baby this evening, i need some some hot stuff baby tonight - gotta have some lovin', GOT to have love toniiiiiight" you get down with your nasty, disco-self donna), country, jazz, soft rock, metal, angry why-don't-you-just-go-fuck-yourself-already rock, reggae, blues, white boy rap (love me some scroungy Kid Rock oh and c'mon on who didn't kick it to Vanilla's Ice, Ice Baby once or twice?); the only music i don't care for is the hard core rap-crap that the only words you can understand are - "yo ho, ima bust a cap up yo ass you don't bring pimp daddy home da green" , although, i must admit, Coolio - Gangsta's Paradise is a pretty kickin song...

go dig through your music albums, cd's, cassettes, 8-tracks (haha. kidding - yea, i don't even know what those are.) check out itunes (only the greatest place in cyberspace) and discover what takes you back to good times and bad...it's all memories and part of who you are today. believe me, even if it makes you half as happy as it makes me, it's a very good thing.

happy birthday morgan lynne...

weird day...not bad, just feeling reflective i guess. today is my daughter's birthday...she would be (and this oughtta freak you out) 17 as of about 9:30 this morning. she is on my mind often, but mostly on the days of her birth and of her death.

the most bizarre part for me is that i always try to imagine what my life would be like if she were here with me now...i think everything would be drastically different. i firmly believe that i wouldn't have the kids i have now, and that alone kinda freaks me out. my life took a different path the day she died, what i didn't know then was that i was trading her life for those of bennett, braden and brynn. i was sacrificing her for the life i have today and i'm not sure how i feel about that...i try to live my life with no regrets (although, let's be honest...there are definitely things i should *seriously* regret, LOL!), but that's hard when you are dealing with the loss of a child.

she was born on february 15, 1990...she was a big girl for a first baby and i was a complete mess physically after i had her. i remember so clearly my very serious, very professional ob/gyn coming in a few hours after i had given birth. she came in and told me to roll over so she could check my stitches (oh yay...), she then proceeds to marvel at the size of the hemorrhoids i was sporting in the old nether regions. i can hear her voice still (she's asian, so please excuse my political incorrectness - you need to get the entire gist of the conversation) as she tells me, "oh my, my you half HUGE hemo-woid. you half TREE huge hemo-woid. no inta-cose fo yew fo long time. no, no, no inta-cose fo yew dea, dis is BIG hemo-woid, LAHGE HEMO-WOID, you unnuh-stan me???" (wonderful doctor - superb doctor, but i still giggle when i think about her all concerned for my ass's health, like i'm actually going out trolling for wanker after grinding a 9 pound eggplant outta my parts...uh, no worries there doc.) i had broken blood vessels in both eyes, i think my entire face had swollen to about 3 times the size it should have been and when i stood up it seriously felt like my whole massive cooder was going to fall right onto the floor where i stood - i was a mess, but i had my girl.

10 months and 7 days later, on december 22, 1990, on a saturday morning, she was gone. she developed bacterial menengitis, died within hours of being diagnosed and i was no longer a mother. just like that - i woke up that morning being her mom and went to bed that night no longer playing out that amazing role. of course, she is still my child - she will always be my child, she is my guardian angel. she watches out for me, she guides me and she shakes her head at what a dork i can be. she reminds me on occasion that all things have a purpose, even when it doesn't seem to be true. i feel her near when i'm questioning my ability to be a good parent, when i've had it and don't want to be their mom anymore, she tells me i'm doing ok and to hang in there. she speaks to me when i see teenage girls wearing practically nothing except a ton of makeup, out in places they probably shouldn't be with people they definitely shouldn't be and she tells me that brynn will be ok at that age. she tells me to look at her and how good she's turned out as a teenager (do i imagine she says this with a tad of her mother's sacrcastic, biting wit?).

she calms me. she helps me to understand that life goes on, even when you think it shouldn't; when you think it most definitely should stop, if only for a moment, in honor of something wonderful that is gone. she teaches me to be a better mother. she teaches me to enjoy even the shittiest of moments for what they are - something that has altered a life somehow, somewhere - for better or for worse; something that may never again be repeated, something that can disappear in a moment's notice. a part of life that needed to be lived, for whatever reason.

as horrible and devastating as it was to lose a child, i realize that it was necessary to become who i am at this moment. it was probably necessary for other people to have known her and experienced her life and death in order to become who they are today. for each of the times that i have questioned God's Plan (and if he even freakin HAD one), there were even more times that i saw clearly what it could be, what it should be, what it is...

on that note, i leave telling you that my niece brittnie gave birth to a baby boy today, in the same hospital and on the same day that i had my child 17 years ago...pretty stinkin cool huh?