we all experience personal sacrifice. whether we choose to make that particular sacrifice or have someone else choose for us; whether we are certain that sacrifice needs to be made, or we allow life to make certain for us, sacrifices are still made. it is a by-product of exercising free will; we live and we (hopefully) learn. if we are fortunate and maybe a little bit smart, we choose well and our lives become (or remain) a better place to be. if a healthy mind weighs, decides and moves forward, then an unhealthy mind closes it's eyes, throws a dart and spends a lot of time wondering..."what if?"
so, what about the mind that falls somewhere in between? what about the one that weighs and decides but still occasionally wonders...what if? what about the mind that weighs, decides and moves forward, but fails to allow that sacrifice the freedom it deserves to become a choice further down the road? in essence, denying it the air that it needs to breathe or clipping it's wings so that it cannot fly. does this make that mind an unhealthy one? because it certainly seems pretty fucked up to me. our insecurities stunt us.
and to sort of change tack here, because i was born a squirrel, i give you this to ponder: i've experienced - let's call it - "jealousy" throughout my life. i've been on both sides of it and despised every second that it has consumed - and consume, it does. it is a natural and probably necessary emotion to some degree...but i generally attempt to deny it life in my world the same way i would someone attempting to shoot a larval-stage blowfly up my ass. i've always seen jealousy as a generally rational fear of weak people. the fear of losing something that you believe that you are in possession of, whether due to self-sabotage or to someone that outright takes it away from you. regardless, the fear is that you will no longer be in control of this thing, whatever it may be.
the second half - envy - is a somewhat different beast, (i don't consider a true and honest desire to better yourself and/or your life, "envy"...i suppose that would be called "ambition". but, this isn't about ambition) this is about coveting, which generally leads to scheming to get - or to destroy, something that is perceived as being possessed by someone else. envy comes before the possession, jealousy after it. both develop from our feelings of unworthiness...envy in not feeling worthy of getting something and jealousy in not feeling worthy enough of keeping it. the two seem to be very closely related, yet still quite different.
so which is the lesser of two evils? which is more destructive? which makes one more selfish? why the fuck am i even pondering this? going back to sacrifices and paths, i'm wondering whether or not certain speed bumps labelled "insecurities" stem from jealousy, envy or are just chalked up to living with (or without) the unknown. not that it really matters, mind you. living with the unknown is something we are all forced to do and the other two simply both blow wankers. the unknown is easier to deal with. it's a matter of getting your head straight long enough to move on, i suppose. personally, i have suffered from both of those other two fuckers. looking back, if i had to choose, if i was allowed to pick my poison, i'm pretty sure i would take the envy every time; jealousy is a very hard core, painful kind of stinging bitch. what about those people who really seem to not be affected by either one - do you know any of them? are you one of them? jeebs, now that's a place i'd give my left nut to reside forever, lol
i have sacrificed_____ for _____ and it was a good choice...
i have sacrificed _____ for _____ and it was a bad choice...
i am jealous of_____...
i am envious of_____...
i am content with_____...
i am blessed by experiencing _____...
*crickets chirping* ok then...to be continued, lol. but if you find you have very few things in your negative columns, if anything at all - lemme know your secret for self-confidence and your lack of insecurity. you know, for educational purposes only.
peace out bitches.
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