listen to your uncle dave

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into some thing acceptable to have dinner with.

ahahaaaa...whadda they know?!?

You Are 48% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

oh beautiful, for spacious skies, with loud noise up above...

my poor dog. i don't remember when it started, but was very early on that i noticed her freaking out when she heard fireworks, thunder and/or gunshots.

when i say freaking out, i mean completely muy loco. she goes out of her mind. first she retreats to some far corner in the garage, but soon realizes she can still hear the pops. then she hangs out by the door to the house in the hopes that some weak, unsuspecting child will open it. when they (inevitably) do, she barrels past them at the speed of lightening, with the weight of a black bear and the determination of a killer whale to devour a penguin. there is no stopping her, even if you think you are prepared before opening the door. she forces her way in, panting ferociously, and races to a dark, hidden corner of the house. getting her out after that practically takes an act of God. i find her panting, shaking and making herself really really small. it is really pathetic and pulls every heart string i have. because she is such a good dog inside, she always gets to spend the night indoors on july 4th, on a stormy night or anytime some dickwad decides to shoot his stupid gun in the air. by morning she is fine and ready to go outside again. she greets dumbass---i mean buddy--- and teases him with her tales of being comfy and cool (or warm and dry) on braden's bed all night. he never understands - he's just happy there's a "new" dog in his yard again (yea. he's that stupid)

shortly after we moved into this house in november of 2001, the kids and i left for the thanskgiving holiday weekend to a relative's home 3 hours away. sutter was left in the care of the Dad, in her new backyard with plenty of room to play and explore. a storm came in a day later while the Dad was at work and the dog went absolutely ape-shit. she was in a strange yard, with no kids or nice Mom to comfort her when the thunder rolled in. i can't tell you exactly what happened; i can tell you that i came home three days later to a destroyed gate - when i say destroyed, i mean she managed to rip off the boards along the bottom of it in her desperation to get out; i came home to shredded moulding all along the outside of the back porch door - her nails repeatedly digging at it, trying to get in the house; i came home to a doorknob (yea, the metal-brass-round-outside kind of doorknob) with punctures in it from her teeth. she freakin' tried to open the door using her teeth - think she wanted in...? my poor old sweet sutter.

now, in anticipation of a storm or fireworks, i cancel any plans to be away from the house and let the old girl in early on. i figure each time i probably add a couple of years to her life in doing so and that's just fine with me.