waves

today is filled with waves of blue heaviness.
i feel as if i've discarded a best friend.
whom i hope i can someday recover, but not until i'm well.
that kind of heavy.  that kind of blue.
it's like everything visible to me is a dull reminder of something gone.
that kind of loss.  that kind of sad.
as if something that i truly love, but wasn't able to nurture,
just distanced itself from me, or me from it
to help in it's search of a better home than i was able to provide.

probably, it was right to go...things usually are,
because shit happens as it's supposed to.  right on cue, right on time...
or so i'm told.
i want to sleep so i can escape these feelings,
yet stronger is the need to avoid that moment of awakening.
the one where you feel physically pulled away from a place where you are truly loved and truly happy,
and dropped into a place where, as you open your eyes,
you realize with a heavy heart that you are still you.
that you did this.
that nothing has changed.
and the feeling of loss slithers back in.