her way.

i am walking on the beach in Morro Bay last week with three people that i love dearly...as i stand still and watch the ocean waves rolling in, one of them creates a circle in the sand around me with her foot, flashes her smile and tells me that i am not allowed to leave it.

i oblige her for awhile but then inform her that it is time to head back to the car...and home. she thinks for a moment and then appears to solve her dilemma by drawing a line in the sand leading from the circle back down the beach, towards the car - which is maybe a half-mile away, but probably less - and instructs me to follow it, and only it. both feet, no stepping off.

she walks backwards, dragging her heel in the sand, her foot line twisting and turning - this cannot be a straight line, no....and i MUST walk it and never veer from it.  with my arms held straight out to my sides (to help balance the unbalanced, of course) i speed up and try and rush her progress, maybe make her trip and fall, but she commands me to stop when i catch up to her and laughingly orders me to wait for her to get ahead of me again before continuing.  as i totter along, i watch in front of me - behind her - hoping to subtlety direct her towards someone she will run into while not looking.  cause, well...that would be hilarious, but she mysteriously manages to miss everything and everyone in her path, rarely taking a peek to see where she was headed.  she is just following along the surf line. sort of...and backwards.



she switches feet, because the right one is cramping up, but continues on, still swirling and veering, twisting and turning her line in the sand.  she tries using her toes because she is getting tired and we still have a long way to go.  i taunt her and tell her she'll never make it. but i dutifully follow my path.

i hear laughter behind me and i turn - being ever so careful not to fall off my mark - to see an old woman walking the line directly behind me, arms out like mine, with her husband at her side laughing.  she looks at me, giggles again and says, "so, where are we going?!?"

quite honestly, it was one of the most joyous moments of my life.

the old woman follows along with us for a few seconds more and then takes her old husband's hand and they wander off closer towards the sea, smiling, laughing, playful - loving their lives. they left the line in the sand that was meant for me and continued along their own path.

we make it to end of the beach eventually. when we reach the rocks that we had to climb over to get to the car, the girl picks up and drags a 12 foot piece of seaweed over them, ordering me to walk only on that.  i'd take 5 steps, step off of it and have to wait for her to re-position it so that i could continue on.

she never stopped, she never gave up.
she led me all the way back.
and i let her.  because it was important....to both of us
i followed her every step of the way. her way,
and it made us happy.

he did what...?

i have a question of addiction...how does someone who has over indulged in alcohol- and i mean hard-fucking-core imbibing - for over 50 years just...stop?

it's a question that i've been asking myself for a few days now after i found out that someone close to me, who, as much as i am loathe and ashamed to admit,  i personally had accepted would be found dead in a gutter somewhere pretty much any day now, stopped drinking 5 months ago.  just made a decision that he wasn't going to drink anymore and put it the fuck DOWN. no rehab, no weaning, no sponsorship, no 12 step program, nothing. just stopped drinking.  and if that wasn't a big enough chunk to gnaw off, he stopped smoking as well.  cigarettes, not weed...he's not completely crazy.

i know people who have quit smoking and i know people who have quit drinking.  among them are those who just stopped one day, as well as those who struggled and backslid for YEARS before they were successful.  i know people who are sure they will die if they even attempt to quit smoking. i know people that would rather die than quit drinking. i have been exposed to addiction my entire life.  i live in fear of it's grip, not over me as much as over my children.  i firmly believe that the weakness for alcoholism, most likely to addiction in general, is a genetic predisposition. it is too prevalent in my family tree for me to ignore.

so...the question remains - how is it possible?  could he have not been addicted at all...?  over the years, alcohol has cost him jobs, relationships, homes, and other things - all just too numerous to count...is it possible that he just forrest gumped?  did he simply decide one day - after 50 years, 2 months, 14 days and 16 hours - that he was just "pretty tired"?

someday, i will ask him...for now i am still processing.  and happy for him.  really really happy for him.

I Am Red.

Before you launch into this, make no mistake, this is indeed a pity party - but it was truly intended to be a personal one.  I decided to share it with you for a few different reasons.  Mainly due to the possibility that the mistakes I've made might help you avoid going through something like this down the road.  Personally, I was launched into the real world completely unprepared.  I can't remember if I was ever actually told that I could be anything, do anything, or achieve anything I wanted. What I do know, in retrospect, is that I set out searching for really nothing more than a safe haven in which I could spend the rest of my life...a place where I could love and be loved unconditionally. Never having been accused of being an over-achiever, I realize that this wasn't an incredibly grand plan, not incredibly ambitious or motivated. But it sounded nice to me then - comfortable and happy.   I still crave it to this day. It seems destined to remain just out of reach. and that is one of the shittiest feelings i've ever experienced.

I am red.

I am blue.

I am green.

I am yellow.

I am black.

I am angry.

I am sad.

I am envious.

I am anxious.

I am resentful.

I feel tricked and taken advantage of.  I feel like I have given everything I am and everything I have to people that cannot - or will not - consider giving back in my time of need.  There is no room right now for sacrifice in their hearts or in their lives.  They are too consumed with themselves and what they want.  They know that I am trapped without their help. They care, but not enough to change things.  Not enough to sacrifice for the one who has always done the sacrificing.

I feel devastated that when I finally get on my knees and beg for something that I think I truly need, I am led along like a fool, believing the lies half-truths because my survival depends on the outcome.  Clinging to what I know in my heart is probably too good to be true. And it turns out to be exactly that, just a cruel joke.  "Sorry, changed my mind…thought I could, said I would, but nope turns out I can’t/won’t/whatever help you.  But hey, hang in there buckaroo…it’s only 4 more years in your personal living Hell, you've survived more than that already, what's the big deal. get over it"

The big deal is that I feel such overwhelming, all-consuming sadness because my happiness has been relegated to the back burner, once again.  It’s how it has always been.  Their needs come first.  Mine are still secondary and always have been.  That is what I committed to when I got married, when I had children --- a life of sacrifice and of burying needs, wants and desires if they don’t mesh nicely with everyone else’s.  They don’t tell you when you are signing up that you are really signing off.  And now I have become a martyr.  Grrrrreat, the one thing I have always despised in my own mother is now my personal reality. The apple really doesn't fall far, does it?

Fuck.

I’m envious of those in my life that are fortunate enough to be in a place they love, surrounded by people that they love. Happy in their every days.  Ups and downs, yes.  But genuinely happy in the lives they have created for themselves.  I envy those who didn't make the same mistakes that I made, and those that perhaps made the mistakes, but were able to survive them and become stronger because of them.  My strength has been used up - I have summoned it in the past, it has helped me get through some tough shit along the way and it has gotten me to where i am now.  but...now...here, I no longer feel strong. I now feel broken.

Broken and anxious.  I am almost completely anxiety-driven when I am home.  I rarely eat. I have no motivation – I can’t stop stressing about what my life has become long enough to focus on anything.  I can’t sleep and when I do, I have dreams of stress and of being helpless.  Dreams of things falling apart around me with no clue as to how to stop it, let alone any power to protect those that I love.  I have dreams of spinning in circles with devastation surrounding me and people I love crying out for help, but I can’t find them in my dream.  I can’t find them and I can’t help them.  I have to listen to their cries and their pleas for help. I am powerless to do anything.  Then I wake up and realize nothing has changed.  I might as well still be dreaming.  I am powerless; I am broken.

I am resentful.  I am trying so hard to bury the anger and the hate and the blame and the RESENTMENT.  I know that I am responsible for the choices I have made.  I know that where I am is ultimately because of me.  I know that I chose this life.  But this is not the life I thought I was choosing.  All I ever really wanted was to matter.  To be loved and respected and needed.  By the people that I loved and respected and needed.  It hasn't worked out like that.  My kids won’t learn this shit until the damage is already done.  And yea, I’m pissed.  Between them and their dad, I have given everything I had to give, my body, my mental stability, my livelihood.  I have given up jobs, relationships and homes that I loved. I gave up a life that I had treasured, that brought me joy and happiness. I gave it all up for them.  Because I believed it was the best thing for them. I have gone to bat for each one of them when they felt they were being wronged, I have cultivated enemies on their behalf, I have supported them in everything {legal} that they thought they wanted to do – even the stupid, oh-so-stupid, shit.  I HAD THEIR BACKS.  ME.  Because that was my job.  That was my commitment to them when I married him and conceived them.  I didn't do it for the payback.  I have never asked for a payback.  I have asked for consideration, I have asked for respect, I have asked for cooperation.  And yes, I asked for support, and I dared believe that I would get it.

I have never felt more insignificant or alone as I do in the life that i have created, right here and right now.

pert near time to shit, or get.

lots to process these days.

big changes are looming, decisions to make, paths to take...it's time to at least pretend like i'm a grown-up for awhile.

*sigh*

divorce papers are signed - after 7 years.  hell, after 20 years - it was a long road, rewarding in so many ways.  no regrets.  we have now each retreated to our corners and are taking a breath.  we are still partners in parenting and we are - amazingly - friends.  seems we have always been headed in two different directions...and now we find that, finally, it works.

i have so many decisions to make and i find that all i want to do is run away.  from everything.  i can't breathe here, i need to breathe.  i'm circling - shit, i'm balls out spinning - around and around.  don't know where to stop, don't know where to start.  i have people depending upon me, depending upon the decisions i make.  i don't want to make any of them, i just want to fade out.  i have people counting on me to do the things that are right for them.  i've rarely ever done the right thing.  and now, it appears that it's really important. totally fucking sucks. (she says in her new grown-up, responsibility-laden voice).

it's changing me. i feel it, from the inside.  it's frightening because i have no idea what the result will be. truly...none.  for such a long time, i've just ambled along just doing my thing.  going where i'm supposed to go, doing what i'm supposed to do, then making the time to do what i wanted. what if i no longer know what i want?  what if i never really did?  i stop, step back and take a look at shawna and wonder what the fuck her life is even about now.

i dig me, i just confuse the shit outta me.  i make things so much harder than they need to be.  it's a great time in my life...i'm starting to feel the freedoms that come when your kids branch off and start to do their own things.  one kid is moved on to do his own grown-up thing.  i feel for him...i remember when i first became aware of real responsibility.  i remember wanting to run back home, dive behind my mom and say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?".  i feel for him because he is in such a hurry to get moving in his life - we always are.  i get it, but i still feel pangs of sadness for what lies ahead of him. having to back away from mama-bear mode is very hard for me.  i know he has mistakes to make, i know he may fall.  i believe he is strong enough to get back up and straighten the shit out, but it still frightens me.  another kid seems to be growing emotionally right before my eyes.  it may be a temporary thing, but what i am seeing is helping to ease some of the stress.  thank God.  yet a third kid is beginning a whole new chapter in her life these days.  she too, is growing before my eyes - here it is more of a physical/mental thing.  she is growing but she is just now entering a whole new realm of reality for all of us:  a teen-aged daughter/sister/creature-with-snake-hair/whatever thing.  she will change each and every one of us, in one way or another.

i am at a crossroads.  a natural one, i get that, but no less frightening than any other has been for me.  i just don't do change well...looking back into the past on some of the biggest changes that have occurred in my life, i realize that i have rarely handled them well, emotionally.  i realize that after the dust settles, i tend to flail about for a good while longer.  trying to find *my* ground.  sometimes it takes awhile.   i will see to it that the things that need to be taken care of, are...but won't be surprised if i wander off in my head afterwards to sort it all out.

baby steps.  fuck this day-at-a-time crap.  i WANT to take it one bottle at a time, but even *I* know that isn't the way to handle things.  :)

how about we do this one hour at a time. i think i can do that.

all kindsa fucked up.

i was told last week that i was to not blog about what's been going on in my life.  it's private, shawna...keep it that way.  know what?  this is me...giving a shit about what you think.  i communicate, it's what i do...i realize that's a foreign concept to you.  oh, and you know what else?  ...fuck you.  just because you continue to hide everything away so no one will ever discover the truth about you, doesn't mean i have to.  not any longer. you aren't my real dad.  my real dad digs me.


<3 i love you, real dad <3

i am in turmoil.  like i haven't been in a really long time...things keep hitting me from all sides and i'm buckling.  seriously.  i truly am a weak person.  sure, i can be strong on the outside and around people i don't love. i will protect and shield those i do love, when they need it.  but, get me inside, surrounded by my heart and i am a complete mess.  i cry, i question everything i've ever done.  it blows balls.  i am all kindsa fucked up.

out of respect for those involved, i won't go into details, as much as i feel the desire to...i will say that i have hit a wall in one respect - i'm out of ideas. i've beat my head against this for about 3 years now over the same thing.  even when it appears to be, it's not better, just smoke and mirrors.
{hahahahaaaa, omg i just made a joke and you have no clue.  seriously, i think i'm finally going bat-shit crazy.  ok...back to the surface i go.}
the truth is, nothing has really changed in this situation...all of the talking and rationalizing and deal-making.  none of it seems to have made any difference...it's still going downhill.  or at the very least, plateaued at a not-so-great-actually-rather-shitty-when-you-really-look-at-it level.  i went to my final at-bat with regards to this last week and i'm pretty sure i have still failed.  time will tell, but it's not looking good.  does there comes a point in certain relationships where it's better if we say "fuck it, i really truly gave it my all and i don't know what else to do" and let the chips fall where they fall?  is there really is a point in which you can do no more to help someone see a positive path?  this will come back to bite me in the ass, i have no doubt.  somehow, it will fall back on me - but i really truly have no other aces up my sleeve right now.  it's quite possibly time to let what will be, be.

on another front, i have been fucked over by my personal sense of trust and judgement.  it is really messing with my head.  someone i trusted with all of me turned out to be nothing but a manipulative piece of judgmental, psychotic shit.  don't really want to talk about that.  it is very nerve-wracking.  but, i find myself questioning every thing and worse, every ONE right now. good on you, you piece of shit...you have infiltrated the inner sanctum.  you have fun with that...you fucked up mother-fucker.

lastly - i don't mean to be cryptic, but stick with me here, i do have to protect the "innocent" - someone close to me is echoing someone else who used to be close to me.  in a very painful way and, therefore...it really fucking hurts. bad.  like a knife directly into my gut and then twisted over and over again, bad.  back to the questioning everything.  this has me rethinking everything i've spent the last 25 years doing.  everything.  think about it.   go back 25 years and question the direction you set off in back then.  maybe you shouldn't have taken that particular path, eh?  maybe, just maybe, you should have done something COMPLETELY different.   like, oh...i dunno...become an astronaut, a hobo, a fucking nun*, for that matter...ANYthing other than what you chose.  you were clearly not cut out for this shit. in fact, you are definitely sucking at it.  you are sucking at your chosen way of being a contributing member of life right now.


(*hahahhaaaaa...i said "a fucking nun").


these things have me seriously wondering if i may really, honestly be a certifiable head-case. (all together now..."nooooo, really?")  it would maybe not explain everything, but would at least give a reasonable platform for all that is fucked up.  normally, i would think that possibility was totally cool and bask in it, but i still have to be a responsible person for some people in my life.  ball-blowing, i say.

it's a shitty place to be and i'm really trying to find happy-shawna - she is still in there, just squashed a bit by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.  usually this passes, but i've never actually been up against what i am facing now.  i'm a little bit scared, and that just doesn't happen that often. i'm not sure what to do with it.

hold on loosely, bisshes....don't let go.

more sweet, than bitter...

the holidays are here again, the sky above is (still) clear (again)...shall we sing a song of cheer again, holidays are here again...

bittersweet.  word for the season...december 22, 2010 marks the 20th anniversary of my daughter morgan's death. whoa. 20 freakin years since my girl died at 10 months of meningitis.  which means she would be 21 on february 15, 2011. jeebus, how old AM i?  my grams died last month.  another huge void in my life.  i was raised with her 50 yards away until my mid-teens - she has been a huge part of me for as long as i can remember.  the girl and i made a trip up to see her in early october - and i will be forever thankful that we did.

feeling a bit blue and can't quite place my hand upon why.  i imagine it's a combination of things...but i generally love this time of year and i need to get my shit in gear, lol.  this is also the time of year i start to see a change in my kids.  energy level (read: obnoxiousness rating) goes up, boredom prevails and nerves get frayed.  my girl has been watching Christmas classics and listening to Christmas songs for weeks already.  she's hitting me up to decorate the Christmas tree this weekend.  i NEVER have my tree up this early.  i know this is what old people say, but it seems like i just took the damn thing down.

i think what is contributing to my funk is the fact that i am starting to realize that love leads to pain ---damn, raise your hand if you saw that coming--- what i mean is i'm getting to a point in my life when i am beginning to realize that life doesn't go on forever.  that we WILL have to say goodbye to those we love. the harder and the deeper we love, the harder and deeper the pain will run.  it WILL be devastating and there is no dodging it.  unless, of course, it is our life that ends first.  and so i find myself worrying.  morbid, yes; futile, yes; depressing, yes; but pointless, no.  i am learning - finally - that i should be living my life one moment at a time.  i need to appreciate all of the good that surrounds me.  i need to be a better, kinder, more thoughtful person.  i should be less judgmental (pffftt, yea, like that is ever gonna happen.)   my point is, it's never too late to change the way we affect other people.

seriously, when i look around at the people i truly love and i do mean L-O-V-E with all of my heart, and i try to imagine losing them...well, it's simple, i can't do it.  i know, very well, the pain of loss.  i know how devastating it is, how paralyzing it is, how it sucks the very breath out of your entire body leaving you frantically searching for a place where you can just crumble and fall, because you are sure you will never see the light of another day.  you pray to God to spare you from ever seeing the light of another day - anything, yes even death, is preferable to the pain.  how does one survive the knowledge that such loss lies on their life's horizon?

(cue JT)  you shower the people you love with love...you show them the way that you feel.  you don't dwell on the knowledge of the inevitable goodbye, but you must understand and accept it and then you prepare for it the only way you really can.  you love deeper, you hug tighter, you kiss longer, you squeeze harder.  you truly allow yourself to experience love.  bittersweet, absolutely...but i cannot imagine my life without it.  better to have loved and lost...?  no question.

group hug time. <3

oh, that tangled web...

been a slightly effed up week...my guy has a wildfire close to his home and has been sitting in ready-to-fly mode for a couple of days now.  he feels particularly stressed, as he has previously watched a home - and all of his belongings - burn to the ground.  it appears that his home is safe, but he is still under evacuation orders...if he leaves to go to work, he will not be allowed back in.  so he sits.

one of my close friends from jr high/high school had surgery yesterday - rather emergency, she found out about it a week ago - all is well as of now and she is supposed to be able to go home this afternoon.  i worried for her for a few different reasons, mainly though because she was petrified that something bad would happen to her.  she has a son that has just started kindergarten two weeks ago...that wasn't going well, and leaving him to stay in the hospital was weighing heavily upon her.  as i said, that appeared to have gone as planned and i think i can rest easier as far as she is concerned.  whew.

got a phone call from my mom yesterday about my gram's...last summer they discovered she has fluid building in her lungs.  she went to the hospital a couple of times to have them drained and discovered a weak valve or some such crap and needed surgery.  well, the bird is 89ish and a bit frail nowadays so they decided last summer that they would not operate on her and just monitor her recurring pneumonia as best they could.  she's been quite good for about a year, but just went back into the hospital last week.  they drained the fluid and released her.  two days later, they will filling up again.  they have now decided that the hospital trips are too hard on her and have agreed that they will monitor from the home, but not readmit her to the hospital.  so...gram's isn't well.  i called her today and i'm not sure she knew who i was for a bit.  she sounded very weak and pretty out of it.  talked to my mom who explained that she has been pretty drugged up this week.  problem is my grams is 5 hours away from here...i'm not sure what to do.  whether or not i should pull the kids out of school and drive up there to see her or wait for more news from my mom.  ugh.  my grams has been such a HUGE part of my life for as long as i can remember - it's some sad shit to say the least.

one of my kids has been having problems that i will not go into here...they involve "friends", school and people of a shitty ilk.  the kind of people you do not want your children to know - ever.  we're dealing with that on a day-to-day basis and i'm trying to not have nightmares involving worst case scenarios. have i mentioned in the last 20 minutes how badly i want my fat, innocent little babies back?

smaller, less significant issues include phone/house alarm/tiVo problems; car needs work done; yard work is - once again - out of control; girl's soccer season has started, and halloween is coming back.  cripes why do i have to deal with this STOOPIT "holiday" every. single. year? ugh.

the good news is that i have food in the pantry, my man loves the shit out of my guts - regardless of the ridiculousness that is my life - and everyone is healthy.  well, the kids are anyway - that is crucial and for that, i am grateful.

holy shit - did i get through that post without one f-bomb?  wow...i am off my game.

i am thankful...no, really i am.

ok, i bitch...alot.  which does not mean i am ungrateful for or blind to my many blessings.

just taking a minute out of my rantings to say that.  i really do know that i am blessed...i have an amazing and supportive family - immediate, extended, in-lawed, out-lawed...all of them.  i have an incredible assortment of friends - close, far away, real, imagined, whatever.  i have my health ( i know blahddy blah blah...but it's true).  i have had and continue to have love, encouragement, acceptance and support at every turn of my life.  i am one of the lucky ones, in so many ways and i want to thank God for the life i have been given...it's had it's trials, it's had it's tribulations (does anybody really even know what a tribulation is?) and it's had it's joys and successes.

really truly i could not ask for more. probably i will, of course, but my point is that i don't have to - i could die today and have lived, loved and experienced more than enough than one silly redneck girl could ever hope for.

peace and relaxation to you and all that you love, enjoy your day of thanks and hey...go packers, raiders, broncos and brett favre (sorry fleck, no can vikqueens do - MUAH)!

a little todo about not much.

been working on a couple of projects for a friend and i'm running out the clock - but that's what i do.  better under pressure i suppose. one more week to get them sent out.  gogogogogoooo shawna!

hallowanker is ALMOST over, thank you GOD.  i despise halloween, don't know why...just one of my least favorite holidays. sorry spange-cake.  and NO, i did not buy any candy for the little bastards.

weather has turned absolutely beautiful - low 70's during the day, clear skies, good (ok, relatively speaking) air out there.  always lots to be done outside and this is the time of year to get it done.  maybe tomorrow.

the Thanksgiving holiday is shaping up - my family members are complete nerdburgers and probably we won't see them until Christmas.  dale's family will be here though.  yay i get to cook Thanksgiving dinner for a chef.   yes, i am petrified.

trashed and hanged...

concert was awesome - and i don't just throw that stupid word around lightly. braden loved it, as did everyone else, and we remained the loud family all the way through monday - ears still ringing, i'm pretty sure we all yelled at each other a bit more than normal.

saturday's yard day kicked ass. my kids can work when they are pushed...a bit of whining, yes, but they did a pretty good job getting the yard in shape. one minor "shawna" happened when i was trying to move the green waste bin across the lawn and somehow, inexplicably, tripped on the lid and kinda fell in, yet kinda had it fall on my head. braden had just dumped the mower bag into it and it rained cut grass and thorny rose cuttings all over me. i laid on the ground laughing my ass off, and then the look on braden's face as his brain tried to decipher what it had just seen kept me giggling all day. wow, how lucky are my kids to have me for entertainment, eh?

dinner at the neighbor's sunday was a blast - the weather was PERFECT, the food was DELICIOUS, the wine was ABUNDANT, and the friends were THE BEST! ended up heading to another neighbor's house for a mini concert with drums and vocals provided by karl and the kids. we ended with a fashion show and dance off of sorts - ok, that was all stacy. all of us had so much fun, but damn was i hung monday. which is weird, cause generally, i can put away the wine...but i woke up with a monster headache that refused to leave me all day. my baby waited on his drunken lush girlfriend hand and foot while she recovered. he's so totally my favorite one.

back to the grind boners.

back in black...

AC/DC in concert tonight - taking all the kids and even THEEX, cause i'm cool like that. bennett = very excited...like hard-to-sleep-last-night excited; braden = nonchalant...never been to a concert before, not sure what to expect, my fingers are crossed that he'll love it; the girl = excited, but she's not sure why...looking forward to having her chest pound and buying a t-shirt; dale = pretty damn excited, cause he's a rockah...; THEEX = eh, says he's looking forward to it, but too cool to show his excitement? me = pretty damn excited, but nervous that braden might not enjoy it. i'm not big on rowdy crowds, so not really looking forward to that - but hey, it's AC/DC and we are on the highway to hell.

family yardwork gathering tomorrow morning - not really looking forward to whiney, tired and sweaty kids, but need to get our yard in shape - it looks like crap...you'd never believe mexi's live here, hahahaaa! hey they're my kids, i can say that.

sunday, we are having a bbq next door - good friends, good food, good booze, good weather (should be cooler the next couple of days - THANKYOUGOD!)

monday will just be another relaxing day, nowhere to be, nothing to do...kids are out of school.
life really is swell. really really.

they're baaaaack...

back in the classroom a-gay-in...THEY'RE BAAAACK! sing it with me.

this is week two and so far, so good...braden seems to have gotten over his annual 2nd-week-of-school jitters where he goes to the office 5 times a day with a stomachache or a headache, begging to come home, insisting he's REALLY dying this time. i'm quite proud, seems he took to heart our discussion on dropping a few of those way tired junior-high antics, now that he's in the the "Big Boy School" :/ seems also that he is going to try and pick up school baseball again (please GOD, let him do well) after taking quite a few years off. keeping my fingers crossed - this kid so totally needs a pastime.

the girl is doing well with 4th grade, as usual. she's not only playing soccer, but decided she wants to do cross-country as well. crap, who's kid is this?!? she loves her teacher and has a ton of friends in her class...not exactly the best news for my little social butt-fly, but she seems focused enough. for now.

bennett is...well, he's bennett. he's taking his PE class at home so he can take a college psyche class in it's place. he has an amazingly difficult schedule this year as a junior and has had, since the first day, hours of homework each night. i told him the other day to let me know if he was feeling overwhelmed with it all and he looks at me like i have 7 ears and a penis and says "what good would THAT do, mom?" the unspoken line that followed was "you know you can't help, you're not good at school.", (a warm and fuzzy nod to his dad's gracious pat on my back a few years ago.).

sigh. my babies are growing up.
thank you God, i still have my doubts i'll get them there in one piece.
have i mentioned that AC/DC is in 2 DAYS?

at what point

does my responsibility to my kids as far as carting their little asses around town at their slightest whim become something i'm allowed to say no to without feeling guilty and/or having to explain myself?

first off - i'm pretty fucking accommodating to all of my kids. their school's are maybe a 1/2 mile away, yet i drive them every morning and pick them up pretty much every afternoon. to be perfectly honest, mostly it's from the fact that i stay at home and consider it to be part of my job.

one child has been visiting with friends after school and on weekends, going to their houses or having them come over here. since most of them live too far to walk, i generally drive him or pick him up - sometimes both and sometimes neither one. sometimes it's not a big deal, sometimes it's a real pain in the ass (think friday - or OK, tuesday - night when all i really want to do is have a bottle of wine and chill). sometimes i bitch about it but mostly i don't, i want my kids to have social lives and would rather drive them myself than not know who the hell they are with.

anyway - i've been trying to explain to them all that even if it appears that i have nothing better to do than cater to them, sometimes it's not going to happen - whether i have a legitimate reason or not. sometimes i just don't feel like it and sometimes i feel like they just expect it and that annoys me, even though that is mostly my fault.

this child asks me last night to go visit a friend today after school and i say ok, but he has to scoop dog poop in the morning before he goes to school. he makes some stupid face and complains about what a crappy way it is to start the day (hahahaa, my sense of humor is deep within in him even if he hates to admit it) and nevermind, he would rather just come home after school. so this is where i blow it. i tell him that, ok...i'll drive him over there if he wants to come home first, scoop, and then go. stupid, way-too-accommodating move on my part, i realize, but it's what i did. so, this morning he gets up and scoops the poop before school. whoa. what? ok, cool. i thank him for compromising and saving me a trip and tell him i'll pick him up from her house around 6 tonight. he calls me after school today and asks me if i'll take him to her house because she got a ride home with some guy he hates and her house is too far for him to walk to. i tell him no that he can just come home because i don't feel like driving him there and then going back to get him a couple of hours later...pure lazyness, i can admit this. besides, if she invited him over, she should have told him that they would be riding with the Dick - she knows they don't like each other, but that's besides the point.

so he whines a bit but starts walking home. he calls me 5 minutes later as it has just occured to him that i was willing to take him over there when he still had his chores to do and he wants an explanation. well.

do i get pissed because i've contradicted myself without a real reason? do i get pissed because i'm being lazy and he's making me feel guilty? or am i just pissed because the little 15 year old fucker is challenging me and making me explain myself? probably it's all 3. we get into a verbal tussel and it just makes me madder. why the hell do i have to spend 20 minutes arguing about why i won't drive his ass to his friends house when i said i would the day before? maybe i don't have a good reason, ok? maybe the circumstances changed and now i'm annoyed that he still wants me to chauffeur him around. my question is do i really need to have a "good reason"? i generally try to explain myself to them because i don't want to be the parent that says "because i said so", but shit...after 20 minutes of his cross-examination that was about all i could say. well, that or "shut the puck up and leave me alone".


i get so frustrated with how little my kids appreciate how fortunate they are. like i said, i know that their expectations are set mostly by me and my examples - the solution to that can only start with me. my problem is in knowing how to explain to them that sometimes i really don't mind and other times it really puts me out and the difference isn't always predictable. i just want them to accept it when i say no and move on.

omg - i'm so missing my little sweet, fat, controllable children these days.

she's just always been there.

my grams had a stroke a few weeks ago and is in a rehab place for the "elderly"...not a good story. apparently she's had a few of them and just didn't know it. hasn't really been impaired in any way except maybe mentally a bit, but she's my grams - who would really know? seems they are giving her some anti-psychotic drugs that she doesn't need that are, in fact making her psychotic and mean. i'm sorry - this really shouldn't be funny, but the thought of my little hunched over gram hanging onto a bathroom safety bar for dear life, granny panties down around her ankles, kicking at her attendants' shins to keep them from bothering her while she trying to have her "BM" (her very pc and sensitive way of saying shit) cracks me up. she's always been a feisty old bird, but i guess she's become a real gem these days.

i don't have the whole story (of course...no one in my family can GATHER a whole story, let alone actually relay it to someone else.) but my understanding is that "they" (the professionals) believe that she is showing early signs of alzheimer's and dementia (again, this is my gram...she's truly been weird, feisty and quirky for as long as i can remember) and are treating her as such. the drugs they are giving her are making her a bit hard to control so they then sedate her with more crap. what the hell, seriously? i'm getting the idea that this isn't all that uncommon.

the problem (well aside from all the bruised shins and my poor gram's sanity) is that she got a wild hair and decided to up and move to humboldt county a couple of years ago and is three hours from the closest of her family. 3 hours - what a ding-dong. my mom can be a tad unstable at best, has put in so much time taking care of my grams and cannot afford to pay attention (which is rather important when driving the roads to humboldt county); my aunt works herself to the bone just to afford living in an un-electrified cabin on a hillside somewhere in the depths of the oregon coast about 5 hours from my gram; my uncle lives in the sacramento area (about 6 hours away from her) and has the stability, but not the time, plus i wonder if he isn't in denial about my grams health and just can't seem to deal. her grandkids are scattered around the state and have their own dysfunctional lives to attend to. this leaves my little gram all alone and probably scared spitless that she will die alone among all these mean people that JUST WON'T LET HER SLEEP.

ugh. have i gotten to the dysfunctional parts yet?

i can't imagine my life without her...she has always lived close, she has always been a major part of my upbringing, she has always been the one that "got" me...even when i was pretty "ungettable". we were raised in a home 50 yards from her and my gramps - she's just always been there. she's funny, she's quirky, she's insatiably curious about sex; she's sharp as a tack and as smart as a whip; she's warm and sweet and bakes yummy things (well except that period just after they found out my gramps was diabetic and then she resdesigned EVERY tasty thing she's ever made into a nasty "diatetic" abomination - it passed along with my gramps, God rest his soul); she prolongs the ending of a visit by beginning a batch of strawberry jam "just for you" JUST as you are loading the car to leave; she has the balls to giggle and excuse herself when she cropdusts you (at nose level, of course because she doesn't want you to have to get up from the ever-so-comfie futon she's just sure is the best thing since sliced bread - even though EVERYONE jumps to their feet when she starts to walk anywhere because they know what is coming) and your silly kids that can't stifle a snort (but almost die trying as they really don't want to inhale "that"), as she shuffles to the kitchen insisting that you have some "fresh homemade" five-week old fig newtons that she traded some fudge for at the old-folks' home bake-sale "just yesterday" - uhhhh, yea...i don't care how much milk you drink, those never go down well - especially after that gas thing.

my point is that she is my grams, i love her dearly and it pains me to know that she is surrounded by people who don't "get" her.

i'll take it with salt, no butter please.

my 8-1/2 year old grill is in a lovely, please-pay-attention-to-me-at-least-18-hours-a-day-or-else-i-will-loudly-interject-some-random-word-into-the-conversation-that-you-are-having-with-someone-else stage.

one particular word happens to be the family code for it now because while visiting my gram (who is old and really cannot tolerate sharp loud noises) a couple of months ago, my girl was evidently not getting enough attention and just belted out, as loud as she could...

"POPCORN! HEY, I WANT POPCORN!!!"she interrupted approximately 3 different conversations that were going on around her, without her. by the look my sweet old gram gave brynn, i could tell she totally wanted to say "what the fuck is WRONG with you, over?"

at any given time, the attention-getter could be a loud noise, a random word, an action, a statement, an article of clothing - anything that effectively stops all surrounding activities and draws all attention instantaneously to you. doing this in our house this now causes everyone within earshot to stop what they are doing, scream "POPCORN!!!" at you and then go back to whatever they were doing before being so rudely drawn off-task. this simultaneously gives you the attention that you so pathetically crave - obviously to the point that you don't even care if peeps get pissed off at you in your attempt to get it - and tells you to bugger off all in a neat little one-word package.

brynn (the one who does this the most) generally refers to some sort of food that she wants; braden has revealed his "popcorn" as a huge (and oh, do i mean huge - kid's running 6'2", a buck-sixty) full-on flop to the floor at your feet accompanied by a loud grunt; and bennett happens to be currently perching one of those personalized, stitched pirate's hats from disneyland on the top of his head, one that apparently used to belong to some swarthy, tiny-headed, badass named Captain Carl.

oy. you can't make this shit up.

pics from the coast...

"can you feel the loooooove tonight?"

ok, my boys are now 15 and 12 and as gross as they have ever been. overheard in a conversation between the two of them earlier today:

"knock it off chode!"

"shut up, queef!"

"you're a douche."

"you're face is a douche"

"dude, at least MY face isn't a coinpurse."

"MOM! BENNETT SAID MY FACE WAS A COINPURSE!"nasty little chodesmokers...

over the river and through the woods: the 4th act

sunday night we left braden to destroy---er, i mean, spend the night at---leaf's house and headed over to my gram's for a bit of a visit and to pick up that coffee table i was so totally taking from her. i called ahead to see if she needed anything or wanted something to eat - she asked for matches. [whoa, wait...matches? has my little bent-over grandmother, having lived in humboldt county for all of about two months, already developed a hankering for puffin' the fatty?] ok, matches it is...but only because we have to stop anyway for some electrical tape to fix the pesky side-view mirror that i ripped off a couple of years ago backing out of the garage, that was now banging annoyingly against my door, because the super-glue i used to hold it in place had balked at the torrential downpours of humboldt county, . i convince the runts that we should wait for food until we have finished our visit with gram (never know, might catch a contact high and the food will taste even better.).

she is waiting for us in the great room, cozied up to the fire on a couch with the local Sub-Standard paper, chatting with some ladies that were wrapping up a cutthroat game of follow-the-bitch. of course, she had to introduce us to them and she couldn't remember bennett's name (the funny part is that when i told him we were going to visit her, he said, "mom, i bet she doesn't even know who i am anymore". the other funny thing is that he has the exact same name as her dearly departed husband of some 60+ years.) i pointed and laughed at him behind her back and then she went scooting off to introduce us to an elderly hispanic man (oh yea, my grams digs the dark guys) who was sitting approximately 4 inches from a giant tv that had been muted. not sure if he was a lip-reader that couldn't see very well or if he just assumed that his hearing had taken a turn for the worse...regardless he was intently watching a show about the family structure of the meerkat - which just happened to include mating habits and conception, eek.

the old guy, upon being introduced, pulls me aside to inform me that my gram is constantly flirting with him and that he has to keep an eye on her. omg, this is SO my gram - she got tossed from her previous retirement "village" for perpetuating a sordid rumor involving the 50-something groundskeeper and the (way, as in 80+) older chick across the hall. something about him moving in with this other lady, while pining away for my gram in silence. i know it doesn't make much sense, but this is the same gram that gasps and asks me about blowjobs - "they really want you to do THAT with your mouth?" - i can't explain her...i just have to love her. so anyway, i told him to watch his back or my gram would probably try to grab it and then we went upstairs to visit for a bit.

she started to talk about the "incident" at her old place and i managed to steer the conversation elsewhere despite the fact that my girl wanted all the gory details. ugh. we stayed for about an hour and then she blatantly hit on my man saying she was "very pleased to meet you and i hope i get to see alot more of you". she's such a horndog.

over the river and through the woods: section C

the motel we stayed in in eureka was another 2-star-er in my old AAA book, again with the "free continental breakfast" for which we weren't holding out any high hopes. it was downtown - which is a nice way of saying that there was sure to be sleeping transients within 20 feet in any direction, not to mention the, ahem...ladies of the night. (a humboldt hooker should definitely be at the top of your list of Things to Do Before I Die [eek! i mean SEE...should definitely be at the top of your list of Things to SEE Before I Die. if you still want to DO then go for it, but it may very well be the last thing you manage to cross off, so personally, i'd put it towards the bottom of the list.] there is just nothing quite like it anywhere else. it's a very natural [read: totally granola] area where the bathing and the shaving of one's body are ritualistic pressures laid upon us by the man and sometimes actually scoffed upon. oh, and evidently teeth are not necessarily necessary either). the chick behind the motel counter tells me to be sure and park in the lighted, covered parking area...not that, you know, it's not a safe neighborhood or anything. it's just that SHE wouldn't park out on the street, and neither should i. ok, good enough...i can take a hint.

keeping in mind that i am basically an honest person, i lied like a rug about how many people we had staying in our room. i am not about to pay an extra $10 per person, per night or shell out another benjamin for another room so a couple of kids can actually sleep on beds. i figure they are lucky i even like them enough to allow them to sleep on the floor and breathe my motel room air...they certainly aren't getting their own room. this place was much nicer than the previous night's motel, lots of body-sprawling floor space and a tv that was actually bigger than my purse. everyone slept well and we awoke fresh and ready for a day of FOOTBALL with the mcbirdie clan. we had wanted to go out to the beach first, but gee...oddly enough, it was raining. huh, who knew?

[side note: humboldt county is an absolutely gorgeous place of huge redwoods and beautiful exotic-looking plants...lush greenery almost everywhere you look. as with most everything, there is a reason for this - they get something insane like 7 feet of rain per year. oh yea, it's pretty, but dang do you pay the price]

i sent the kids down to the "free continental breakfast" in twos with instructions to not talk to the other pair, so you know, no one would know they were together and therefore here illegally. deportation at this point would have put a serious kink in our plans...turns out that this place actually had a nice breakfast. waffle maker with pre-measured little cups of batter, biscuits and a crock-pot full of yummy country sausage, cereals, oatmeal, breads, muffins, fruit, juices, again with the lukewarm coffee, but hey who's keeping track? everyone had a bit of something (even little-miss-picky-pants brynn) and with a warning phone call, we were off to la casa de mcbride.

playoffs weekend...those damn undefeated patriots were playing in the first game of the day, my beloved packers in the second. leaf and her family were kind enough to allow us to invade her lovely, clean, quiet home for the day. the kids all paired - or tripled - off and stayed outta our hair for the most part. braden had to be threatened a couple of times as he was, on occasion, being particularly braden and making people want to throw him off a bridge. or hit him - whatever. the girls went for walks and got muddy, the boys pretty much stayed upstairs in front of the ps2 all day. we ate yummy whore's-derves and just vegged with my leaf and her man. oh and leaf got sick to her stomach - well that's what she said anyway. it did happen right about dinner time, so she may have just wanted us OUT. heh heh heh...i did manage to forget a kid at her house that night. score one me.

over the river and through the woods: part deux

as requested by my friend fleck - cheese grill, keep (or go put) yer panties on...you're asking for two posts within a 12 hour period.

hmmm...let's see where did i leave off? oh, ok - 7 peeps (at least 5 of them them rather smelly) crammed into my suburban headed into snow country (read: closed windows - again with the smelly) over one of the most remote highways in the country; meaning very curvy roads, no cell service, no bathrooms and !gasp! no fresh coffee (generally i take a thermos of coffee when i travel, as my name is shawna and i am a caffeine addict, and i had left my house the previous evening with one [strangely, it happened to fall over and drain all over my carpet about 20 mins into our drive] and we stopped at a convenience store to refill it. somehow...amazingly, it got broked. no one knows how, all i can tell you is that i went to fill it with my free lukewarm "continental" coffee the next morning and it made this disturbing rattling noise. to top it off this was a mr. coffee carafe/thermos TREASURE i had gotten at the thrift store for...yes, 89 cents. dammit, this is why we can't have anything nice.)

so anyway - really nothing too exciting about this leg unless you consider nauseated children totally unprepared to play in the snow sinking into 5 foot drifts and almost falling off the side of a mountain while taking in the beauty of life that only a boy can know (yes, i mean peeing in the wilderness - standing tall, hands on hips, masters of all that they survey), a dead cammie battery (again, so me.) and then the re-situating of steaming wet children into a car already packed to the gills. we passed exactly three "shoe trees" - have you ever seen these? the ones where peeps throw their tied-together shoes up into a tree? can someone tell me why? - and five deer (OMG we are SO suburban...with the way most of us reacted to the deer, you would have thought that bigfoot, WITH the loch ness monster growing out of his ass, had stopped us on the side of the road to politely ask us directions to the nearest public toilet - bennett does get his props here, he looked up only once from his gameboy to ask disgustedly, "am i really related to you people?").

we got to humboldt county (oh yea..."wake & bake" country [not that i would know mom...whatever my older bro mark told you is a lie :-/ ] around 2ish and i realize that i don't have directions to my gram's place (she lives in a senior center, but i have no idea which one) so i set dale up with a pen and paper and instructions to write anything and everything i said that sounded even remotely necessary for finding my sweet gram. see, she tends to get rattled under pressure, she's new to the area and she rambles incessantly...add those together and you have a 25 minute phone conversation where all you really figure out is that you want to turn left at the red lion [which turns out shoulda been a right but you give her a break cause she's old.], the name of her street and that she does not live in the salvation army thrift store. really glad she cleared that up, because that would have just been weird. yes we found her, (despite her best efforts to get me hopelessly lost). hey, wait a minute...

she was waiting outside for us, freezing her brittle little bones off and immediately began to squeak - when she gets excited she makes this little noise like a puppy that is just beside itself with joy. so cute. she then proceeded to parade all 7 of us into the center's great room (by the way, i loved this room...huge blazing fireplace, lots of comfy couches and chairs, books, coffee, CRIBBAGE! - oh yea, when i'm old, and if i can remember, this is where i'm heading when the people i love can no longer can stand me.), introducing us to anyone who happened to be breathing (some were a tad questionable) and continued her squeaking. we stopped to check her mail and were practically run over by esther and her walker-posse as they headed down the corridor, three abreast, jockeying for position as the hallway narrowed. dale and my kids tromped up the stairs making sounds that vaguely resembled mating buffalo, as gram and i took the oh-so-achingly-slow elevator.

although she still has boxes everywhere, her apartment is small and cozy. we took over any and all available places to sit while she started to give us her things. this is what she does. she will direct you to something and tell you to just take it that she has no need for it. for example, she told me to take her coffee table (which i must admit is very cool and hell yea, i took it)...this would be the same coffee table that, at that particular moment, housed her computer and numerous plants, not to mention books and a bowl of cereal. yep, she has no need for that particular piece of furniture. at one point she told me to look at some tins she had been collecting and to take some with me. while i'm rummaging, i notice the variety of baggies sitting next the the group of tins. a kid was looking for one earlier and so, as i began digging through trying to find one the right size, she pushes her way in there and says: "no, not those shawna, i'm using those - i said the tins next to them". like i'm loading up my purse with her ziplocks. dammit, she had caught the tater.

we took her to an early dinner at hometown buffet (oh yea, only the best for my gram.) and everyone went their separate ways in search of goodness to put upon their plates. i followed her around for about 20 minutes carrying two plates as she loaded them up with a variety of things. (for the record, this chick can pack it away). after i got her settled in her seat with her mountains of food before her, she requested a "rut-beer" with no ice and she was a happy little (chatting - always with the chatting) clam. off i went in search of my own monster plate of food and i joined my little family in a savage flurry of fists and forks. after we ate so much we were all groaning, dale and i sat with my gram and bagged on people, while the kids ran across the mall for some...i dunno, crap of some sort. when we finally felt we could actually stand up and walk without barfing, we made our way back to the car and back to gram's house, being very careful not to hit any speed bumps or jostle our seatbelts in any way.

it had been a long, but very good day and we were ready for our beds...

'