i was told last week that i was to not blog about what's been going on in my life. it's private, shawna...keep it that way. know what? this is me...giving a shit about what you think. i communicate, it's what i do...i realize that's a foreign concept to you. oh, and you know what else? ...fuck you. just because you continue to hide everything away so no one will ever discover the truth about you, doesn't mean i have to. not any longer. you aren't my real dad. my real dad digs me.
<3 i love you, real dad <3
i am in turmoil. like i haven't been in a really long time...things keep hitting me from all sides and i'm buckling. seriously. i truly am a weak person. sure, i can be strong on the outside and around people i don't love. i will protect and shield those i do love, when they need it. but, get me inside, surrounded by my heart and i am a complete mess. i cry, i question everything i've ever done. it blows balls. i am all kindsa fucked up.
out of respect for those involved, i won't go into details, as much as i feel the desire to...i will say that i have hit a wall in one respect - i'm out of ideas. i've beat my head against this for about 3 years now over the same thing. even when it appears to be, it's not better, just smoke and mirrors.
{hahahahaaaa, omg i just made a joke and you have no clue. seriously, i think i'm finally going bat-shit crazy. ok...back to the surface i go.}
the truth is, nothing has really changed in this situation...all of the talking and rationalizing and deal-making. none of it seems to have made any difference...it's still going downhill. or at the very least, plateaued at a not-so-great-actually-rather-shitty-when-you-really-look-at-it level. i went to my final at-bat with regards to this last week and i'm pretty sure i have still failed. time will tell, but it's not looking good. does there comes a point in certain relationships where it's better if we say "fuck it, i really truly gave it my all and i don't know what else to do" and let the chips fall where they fall? is there really is a point in which you can do no more to help someone see a positive path? this will come back to bite me in the ass, i have no doubt. somehow, it will fall back on me - but i really truly have no other aces up my sleeve right now. it's quite possibly time to let what will be, be.
on another front, i have been fucked over by my personal sense of trust and judgement. it is really messing with my head. someone i trusted with all of me turned out to be nothing but a manipulative piece of judgmental, psychotic shit. don't really want to talk about that. it is very nerve-wracking. but, i find myself questioning every thing and worse, every ONE right now. good on you, you piece of shit...you have infiltrated the inner sanctum. you have fun with that...you fucked up mother-fucker.
lastly - i don't mean to be cryptic, but stick with me here, i do have to protect the "innocent" - someone close to me is echoing someone else who used to be close to me. in a very painful way and, therefore...it really fucking hurts. bad. like a knife directly into my gut and then twisted over and over again, bad. back to the questioning everything. this has me rethinking everything i've spent the last 25 years doing. everything. think about it. go back 25 years and question the direction you set off in back then. maybe you shouldn't have taken that particular path, eh? maybe, just maybe, you should have done something COMPLETELY different. like, oh...i dunno...become an astronaut, a hobo, a fucking nun*, for that matter...ANYthing other than what you chose. you were clearly not cut out for this shit. in fact, you are definitely sucking at it. you are sucking at your chosen way of being a contributing member of life right now.
(*hahahhaaaaa...i said "a fucking nun").
these things have me seriously wondering if i may really, honestly be a certifiable head-case. (all together now..."nooooo, really?") it would maybe not explain everything, but would at least give a reasonable platform for all that is fucked up. normally, i would think that possibility was totally cool and bask in it, but i still have to be a responsible person for some people in my life. ball-blowing, i say.
it's a shitty place to be and i'm really trying to find happy-shawna - she is still in there, just squashed a bit by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. usually this passes, but i've never actually been up against what i am facing now. i'm a little bit scared, and that just doesn't happen that often. i'm not sure what to do with it.
hold on loosely, bisshes....don't let go.
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