pert near time to shit, or get.

lots to process these days.

big changes are looming, decisions to make, paths to take...it's time to at least pretend like i'm a grown-up for awhile.

*sigh*

divorce papers are signed - after 7 years.  hell, after 20 years - it was a long road, rewarding in so many ways.  no regrets.  we have now each retreated to our corners and are taking a breath.  we are still partners in parenting and we are - amazingly - friends.  seems we have always been headed in two different directions...and now we find that, finally, it works.

i have so many decisions to make and i find that all i want to do is run away.  from everything.  i can't breathe here, i need to breathe.  i'm circling - shit, i'm balls out spinning - around and around.  don't know where to stop, don't know where to start.  i have people depending upon me, depending upon the decisions i make.  i don't want to make any of them, i just want to fade out.  i have people counting on me to do the things that are right for them.  i've rarely ever done the right thing.  and now, it appears that it's really important. totally fucking sucks. (she says in her new grown-up, responsibility-laden voice).

it's changing me. i feel it, from the inside.  it's frightening because i have no idea what the result will be. truly...none.  for such a long time, i've just ambled along just doing my thing.  going where i'm supposed to go, doing what i'm supposed to do, then making the time to do what i wanted. what if i no longer know what i want?  what if i never really did?  i stop, step back and take a look at shawna and wonder what the fuck her life is even about now.

i dig me, i just confuse the shit outta me.  i make things so much harder than they need to be.  it's a great time in my life...i'm starting to feel the freedoms that come when your kids branch off and start to do their own things.  one kid is moved on to do his own grown-up thing.  i feel for him...i remember when i first became aware of real responsibility.  i remember wanting to run back home, dive behind my mom and say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?".  i feel for him because he is in such a hurry to get moving in his life - we always are.  i get it, but i still feel pangs of sadness for what lies ahead of him. having to back away from mama-bear mode is very hard for me.  i know he has mistakes to make, i know he may fall.  i believe he is strong enough to get back up and straighten the shit out, but it still frightens me.  another kid seems to be growing emotionally right before my eyes.  it may be a temporary thing, but what i am seeing is helping to ease some of the stress.  thank God.  yet a third kid is beginning a whole new chapter in her life these days.  she too, is growing before my eyes - here it is more of a physical/mental thing.  she is growing but she is just now entering a whole new realm of reality for all of us:  a teen-aged daughter/sister/creature-with-snake-hair/whatever thing.  she will change each and every one of us, in one way or another.

i am at a crossroads.  a natural one, i get that, but no less frightening than any other has been for me.  i just don't do change well...looking back into the past on some of the biggest changes that have occurred in my life, i realize that i have rarely handled them well, emotionally.  i realize that after the dust settles, i tend to flail about for a good while longer.  trying to find *my* ground.  sometimes it takes awhile.   i will see to it that the things that need to be taken care of, are...but won't be surprised if i wander off in my head afterwards to sort it all out.

baby steps.  fuck this day-at-a-time crap.  i WANT to take it one bottle at a time, but even *I* know that isn't the way to handle things.  :)

how about we do this one hour at a time. i think i can do that.