i woke up early this AM to the smoke detector chirping approximately every 27 seconds. it's the little things in life that make me want to commit murder. and kick babies...in the FACE.
because i can do some shit, i go get my shitty ladder and unplug the detector in the hallway that appears to be making the noise...
lo AND behold - it's still chirping.
from the ceiling.
where there is no more smoke detector.
ok, before shit gets really real, i have just a few questions:
1) aren't smoke detectors generally linked so that if one is being a dick, they all act like dicks? if my pecker-long memory serves, yes they are...so which one is the lead dick?
2) is there a smoke detector so high up in the living room that i can't reach it even on my ladder? why yes, yes there is.
3) is that the one that more than likely needs a new battery? well, probably fucking so, because no one else has ever, in the history of the house, been able to reach it in order to change it's battery either.
4) wait, do i happen to have 6 - 9v batteries laying around even if i could reach them all? well, no actually i don't.
e) do i happen to even have a car that i can jump in to go to the store and buy some? oh wait. no, no i don't, i'm car-less today.
6) am i ready to go fucking postal if this thing doesn't shut the eff up? magic 8 ball says "you may rely on it"
(this cannot end well, but here i go again on my own...)(cue spongebob) 1 HOUR LAY-TAIR...recap.
STOLE THE KID'S CAR - fun, but not worth money, cause it won't peel out. i know, i tried - $2 in gas
8 - 9V WALGREENS BATTERIES - $29 (i got a snickers bar too, cause i wasn't feeling quite myself...it didn't help, commercial people are LIARS)
POSSIBLE DEATH FROM FALLING - typical day in my life soooo - $0
CHANGING OUT ALL OF THE SMOKE DETECTOR BATTERIES - $0. go me, but not worth shit because the chirping continued
TEARS I CRIED WHEN THE CHIRPING CONTINUED - $2 (for Advil because now i have a headache.)
TEARING APART THE HOUSE ALARM SYSTEM TO FIND IT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE BATTERIES, SO THAT WASN'T IT - $0. i suffered a bent back fingernail, but they are short and shitty anyway, so fuck it.
ON MY WAY TO THE BATHROOM TO SLIT MY WRISTS, PASSING BY THE GODDAMNED CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTOR THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD, AND HAVING IT CHIRP - $0, although, the maniacal laughter at the "of course" of it, plus the fact that my children didn't have to find me in a pool of my own blood was good for my soul.
FINDING OUT THE CHIRPING WAS COMING FROM THE GODDAMNED CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTOR THAT WAS WELL WITHIN REACH, NO LADDER NECESSARY - $0, but probably years off of my life for the sheer shawna-stupidity experience.
THE BLESSED SOUND OF SILENCE - cost me a grand total of 1 hour, $33 and 5.75 years off of my life. TOTALLY WORTH IT.
FOR THE RECORD: 1) the reason i even checked the alarm system box is because this one time, at this rodeo i went to - ONE VERY SIMILAR TO THIS RODEO- i thought the smokes were going off and it happened that the alarm system needed a new battery - obviously, not the case this time. 2) the smoke detector that was flickering alternately red and green leading me to believe it was the asshole culprit, was approximately 4' from the asshole CM dicktector that i didn't even know i had. the sound was so piercing that i was ready to blow my brains out - didn't look around to see what else could be causing it. yes, I ASSUMED. 3) never having had a CM detector before, it never occurred to me that i had one currently, therefore, it never occurred to me to check to see if it was doing the beeping. upon further - later - inspection, it was revealed that it had no indicator light whatsoever, dick.
now i know, now i have a mess to clean up and now i'm exhausted. where's the effing beer?
