you know, i've heard the saying "no good deed goes unpunished" and yeppers, there is some truth to that particular adage. does this mean i will ever give up doing good things for those i care about - because some of them can't, don't or won't appreciate my gestures? not a chance.
i give what i have and i do it out of love. i don't do it for reciprocation and i don't do it for recognition...i do it because it is asked of me and i'm able.
will i allow myself to get screwed by the same person more than once? probably so, dammit...but more than three times? not a fucking chance. i'm kind, but i'm not stupid.
ok, i'm a little bit stupid. about some things. but not in general.
you know, treating people the way you want to be treated doesn't always pay off and i think the key here is to understand that going in and doing it, regardless. we shouldn't do nice things in order to receive nice things. we should be kind because that is who we are and that is how we want to affect the world. fuck all y'all that take and don't give back. you will not change me at my core. you will make me wary and cautious, but you will not make me bitter and resentful.
ok, you might make me bitter and resentful towards YOU. but not in life, not towards those that haven't earned it.
you, who fabricates this idyllic, wonderful life so everyone can think they know who you are. you do fool a lot of the people, a lot of the time and that's cool. but you have also managed to fool yourself. big mistake. you are a taker. a manipulator and a user. you are a cheater, a liar and a fraud
and i don't like you anymore.
i treasure honesty and loyalty and trust. i treasure those who give their word and keep it. i treasure those who tell me a necessary truth even if it's something i don't want to hear. i treasure love and i treasure friendship.
i treasured who i thought you were.
those are the people that i live for, love for and fight for. those are my people and those are the ones that i choose to surround myself with. all you other fuckstains - get out of my head, get out of my heart and get out of my life.
you don't get to be a part of my life any longer. you are poison and you are gone.
peace out, bitches
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
he did what...?
i have a question of addiction...how does someone who has over indulged in alcohol- and i mean hard-fucking-core imbibing - for over 50 years just...stop?
it's a question that i've been asking myself for a few days now after i found out that someone close to me, who, as much as i am loathe and ashamed to admit, i personally had accepted would be found dead in a gutter somewhere pretty much any day now, stopped drinking 5 months ago. just made a decision that he wasn't going to drink anymore and put it the fuck DOWN. no rehab, no weaning, no sponsorship, no 12 step program, nothing. just stopped drinking. and if that wasn't a big enough chunk to gnaw off, he stopped smoking as well. cigarettes, not weed...he's not completely crazy.
i know people who have quit smoking and i know people who have quit drinking. among them are those who just stopped one day, as well as those who struggled and backslid for YEARS before they were successful. i know people who are sure they will die if they even attempt to quit smoking. i know people that would rather die than quit drinking. i have been exposed to addiction my entire life. i live in fear of it's grip, not over me as much as over my children. i firmly believe that the weakness for alcoholism, most likely to addiction in general, is a genetic predisposition. it is too prevalent in my family tree for me to ignore.
so...the question remains - how is it possible? could he have not been addicted at all...? over the years, alcohol has cost him jobs, relationships, homes, and other things - all just too numerous to count...is it possible that he just forrest gumped? did he simply decide one day - after 50 years, 2 months, 14 days and 16 hours - that he was just "pretty tired"?
someday, i will ask him...for now i am still processing. and happy for him. really really happy for him.
it's a question that i've been asking myself for a few days now after i found out that someone close to me, who, as much as i am loathe and ashamed to admit, i personally had accepted would be found dead in a gutter somewhere pretty much any day now, stopped drinking 5 months ago. just made a decision that he wasn't going to drink anymore and put it the fuck DOWN. no rehab, no weaning, no sponsorship, no 12 step program, nothing. just stopped drinking. and if that wasn't a big enough chunk to gnaw off, he stopped smoking as well. cigarettes, not weed...he's not completely crazy.
i know people who have quit smoking and i know people who have quit drinking. among them are those who just stopped one day, as well as those who struggled and backslid for YEARS before they were successful. i know people who are sure they will die if they even attempt to quit smoking. i know people that would rather die than quit drinking. i have been exposed to addiction my entire life. i live in fear of it's grip, not over me as much as over my children. i firmly believe that the weakness for alcoholism, most likely to addiction in general, is a genetic predisposition. it is too prevalent in my family tree for me to ignore.
so...the question remains - how is it possible? could he have not been addicted at all...? over the years, alcohol has cost him jobs, relationships, homes, and other things - all just too numerous to count...is it possible that he just forrest gumped? did he simply decide one day - after 50 years, 2 months, 14 days and 16 hours - that he was just "pretty tired"?
someday, i will ask him...for now i am still processing. and happy for him. really really happy for him.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
some noisy thoughts...
inspired by my girl KimmyG...
as the year comes to a close, i find myself with a lot to say about just a few things...normally i just roll with the new year and go about taking my life one day at a time. i try to be a better person on a daily basis, but sometimes i backslide. a lot. here are my thoughts on that noise. and it may be a bit scattered, so hold on loosely - but don't let go.
it's been a year of change. a beginning of a clearing of the head, so to speak. well, it's still a work in progress, but i believe that i am finally on the right track after some serious alone time in my head. i have learned that i have made it a life-long habit to trust others blindly and entirely too quickly. i have learned that rarely do others think, feel and act as i do, would or will. i am struggling with this being ok. i expect people to reciprocate in like, and that, if not completely unrealistic, is definitely unfair. i project onto them and then become disappointed and hurt when they can't or won't be, say or do what i expect of them. i'm working on that.
the changes i have made - am making - involve a lot of other people, which is odd because i really am a bit of a loner in my natural environment. there are only a few people who really know me. like seriously, maybe THREE, not counting my kids. i have hurt some good people and i have definitely helped some not-so-good people...not the way it's supposed to work by any means, but it is what it is. i'm still learning.
to quote kim; "i learned some friendships you just outgrow, and others just weren't meant to be." to add to that, i believe that all of our relationships serve a purpose. even (maybe even ESPECIALLY) the toxic ones. there truly is something beneficial to be found in each and every one of them...no matter how long they last, or how abruptly they end. find out what it is, appreciate it and learn from it.
it's been a year of change. a beginning of a clearing of the head, so to speak. well, it's still a work in progress, but i believe that i am finally on the right track after some serious alone time in my head. i have learned that i have made it a life-long habit to trust others blindly and entirely too quickly. i have learned that rarely do others think, feel and act as i do, would or will. i am struggling with this being ok. i expect people to reciprocate in like, and that, if not completely unrealistic, is definitely unfair. i project onto them and then become disappointed and hurt when they can't or won't be, say or do what i expect of them. i'm working on that.
the changes i have made - am making - involve a lot of other people, which is odd because i really am a bit of a loner in my natural environment. there are only a few people who really know me. like seriously, maybe THREE, not counting my kids. i have hurt some good people and i have definitely helped some not-so-good people...not the way it's supposed to work by any means, but it is what it is. i'm still learning.
to quote kim; "i learned some friendships you just outgrow, and others just weren't meant to be." to add to that, i believe that all of our relationships serve a purpose. even (maybe even ESPECIALLY) the toxic ones. there truly is something beneficial to be found in each and every one of them...no matter how long they last, or how abruptly they end. find out what it is, appreciate it and learn from it.
i've learned that i slide when i fall, i no longer bounce like i used to. like, i hit the ground and then find that i do stupid shit that makes the pain greater and last longer rather than just jumping up, shaking it off and dancing away until the next time. yes, the road rash i am currently sporting on the right side of my face as i type is purely symbolic of a much deeper and more important lesson here - i'm talking life lessons - heart lessons - as well as face lessons.
.jpg)
i need to keep this in mind going forward...failing (and yes, falling) has become more painful as i get older and (hopefully) wiser. i feel the after effects much longer.
i am finally learning to trust based on actions, not words. i am learning that while words are immediate and soothing, repetition of them may be covering for the lack of sincerity behind them. i am learning that if the right person tells you something honest and meaningful one time - even if they stumble over it and almost throw up saying it - it might be enough. assuming, of course, that their actions follow through and support it. it may not be necessary to hear that thing over and over again. NICE, yes...just not necessarily indicative of the honesty and the validity of the thing. nuff said.
and so, life goes on...if we are lucky.
hopefully we surround ourselves with people who love us in spite of ourselves. i seem to.
i need to keep this in mind going forward...failing (and yes, falling) has become more painful as i get older and (hopefully) wiser. i feel the after effects much longer.
i am finally learning to trust based on actions, not words. i am learning that while words are immediate and soothing, repetition of them may be covering for the lack of sincerity behind them. i am learning that if the right person tells you something honest and meaningful one time - even if they stumble over it and almost throw up saying it - it might be enough. assuming, of course, that their actions follow through and support it. it may not be necessary to hear that thing over and over again. NICE, yes...just not necessarily indicative of the honesty and the validity of the thing. nuff said.
and so, life goes on...if we are lucky.
hopefully we surround ourselves with people who love us in spite of ourselves. i seem to.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
toxicity. some people just like to say..."toxicity".
i've been gone for awhile - ventured out to do a few different things, and i've made a lot of serious changes in the last year or so. i won't burden you with everything, but i will give you the low down on a couple things that i've learned:
1) i've learned that even when you think your life is ok just the way it is, sometimes it needs to be tweaked. not because it's the easy thing to do and maybe even more rarely because it's the smart thing to do. it is necessary because it is the RIGHT thing to do...i did some serious tweaking (as opposed to twerking, although if i did do that - it would be epic-ally serious) about a year ago. hurt some people that i will always love dearly, very badly and i will forever hate that i had to make that choice, but it needed to be done - i think it was the right thing to do. i stand here almost 14 months later and i have never doubted what i had to do. i hope to eventually right all of my wrongs and revisit the life i left, after i am well. until then, though.
2) i learned that it's so important, once you actually take the above leap, to continue looking forward - backwards is fine if you are a fan of Every Chick Ever In a Horror Movie Chase Scene and you feel the strange need to trip and fall and be doomed forever...but me? that shit just pisses me off.
3) i have learned - and, oddly enough, this completely unrelated to number 1, totally different category of people - that some of the people that you love the most are the worst people in the world to surround yourself with in your every day life. these are people that, if you can't bring yourself to rid yourself of them completely, should at the very least be put upon a shelf. sure, you can take them down occasionally and dust them off as long as you know, without a doubt, that you are strong enough to put them right back up there at the first sign of drama. some family members and all snookie-lovers belong in this category. sorry: see number 4.
4) i learned that you can't always protect others from the harshness of the truth. i have spent nearly all of my adult life trying to create a buffer between painful truths and the people that, for whatever reason, i felt needed to hear them. i realized that sometimes the buffer i created actually worked as a deflector. it did it's job too well and i'd come to find out that the truth never really reached it's target because i was trying so hard to protect the one that needed to hear it. so here i am going about the painful process of being honest and trying to, what i believe to be enlightening someone - so desperate to protect their feelings, yet get them to understand - and i was sabotaging my intentions the entire time. bottom line: be gentle, but be sure you actually hit your mark. much less damage this way. and yes, THIS is totally related to number 1.
5) i've learned that living in an apartment is the least conducive place for this girl's healthy mental state. ok, so living in a van by the river might not be so hot either...but, i can only attest to what i actually know, and so far, apartments depress the ever-living SHIT out of me.
6) i've learned that no matter what i have convinced myself of in the past as far as relationships go, i need to be challenged. i need to be called on my shit. and yes, i do spew some from time to time. i have had only a few long-term/serious relationships. the first one, i was too young and completely clueless - looking back i now know that i did just about everything wrong there. following that, i became entirely too subservient and controlled...according to that one, i just wasn't good at very much. thirdly, i was treated like a queen - i seemed to have bypassed the princess status and went straight to the Grand Dame. it wasn't that i did nothing wrong here, it's just that even when i did screw up - it was just no big deal. sweep that shit under the rug and let's eat. i think that i have learned that all of these were just too extreme for me, not necessarily bad - just not right. i need in-between in my life. i need yin and yang; NOT to be confused with conflict. i do not need that bullshit. i need to be allowed to be me as long as me is decent, kind and patient - and i'm not always. i need to be checked when i forget that life isn't all about me. i need to be reminded - nicely, of course - that sometimes shit sucks but it's a part of life. i have learned that i need balance.
7) i have learned that i need to write. it cleanses me. it gives me clarity. i've learned that i cannot survive without clarity - it provides me with silence. not literal silence - that is a rarity - but a mental quieting. my brain is a strange place - but it's fun and mostly cluttered. we're talking CONSTANT chatter. i need to step back on occasion and do something to make it just shut the fuck up...getting the noise out of my head and onto paper gives me this silence...followed by sweet, sweet clarity. it is a good thing.
8) i've learned that i believe we all invite toxic thoughts, situations and people into our personal bubbles. usually unintentionally, although, there are one or two people i know who simply must thrive on the drama of fucked up situations and relationships, as they do absolutely nothing to rid themselves of all of this crap in their lives, and actually seem to continue to pile it on day after day, year after year. personally, i'm learning that this cycle can be broken. i'm learning to break free from myself.
:)
1) i've learned that even when you think your life is ok just the way it is, sometimes it needs to be tweaked. not because it's the easy thing to do and maybe even more rarely because it's the smart thing to do. it is necessary because it is the RIGHT thing to do...i did some serious tweaking (as opposed to twerking, although if i did do that - it would be epic-ally serious) about a year ago. hurt some people that i will always love dearly, very badly and i will forever hate that i had to make that choice, but it needed to be done - i think it was the right thing to do. i stand here almost 14 months later and i have never doubted what i had to do. i hope to eventually right all of my wrongs and revisit the life i left, after i am well. until then, though.
2) i learned that it's so important, once you actually take the above leap, to continue looking forward - backwards is fine if you are a fan of Every Chick Ever In a Horror Movie Chase Scene and you feel the strange need to trip and fall and be doomed forever...but me? that shit just pisses me off.
3) i have learned - and, oddly enough, this completely unrelated to number 1, totally different category of people - that some of the people that you love the most are the worst people in the world to surround yourself with in your every day life. these are people that, if you can't bring yourself to rid yourself of them completely, should at the very least be put upon a shelf. sure, you can take them down occasionally and dust them off as long as you know, without a doubt, that you are strong enough to put them right back up there at the first sign of drama. some family members and all snookie-lovers belong in this category. sorry: see number 4.
4) i learned that you can't always protect others from the harshness of the truth. i have spent nearly all of my adult life trying to create a buffer between painful truths and the people that, for whatever reason, i felt needed to hear them. i realized that sometimes the buffer i created actually worked as a deflector. it did it's job too well and i'd come to find out that the truth never really reached it's target because i was trying so hard to protect the one that needed to hear it. so here i am going about the painful process of being honest and trying to, what i believe to be enlightening someone - so desperate to protect their feelings, yet get them to understand - and i was sabotaging my intentions the entire time. bottom line: be gentle, but be sure you actually hit your mark. much less damage this way. and yes, THIS is totally related to number 1.
5) i've learned that living in an apartment is the least conducive place for this girl's healthy mental state. ok, so living in a van by the river might not be so hot either...but, i can only attest to what i actually know, and so far, apartments depress the ever-living SHIT out of me.
6) i've learned that no matter what i have convinced myself of in the past as far as relationships go, i need to be challenged. i need to be called on my shit. and yes, i do spew some from time to time. i have had only a few long-term/serious relationships. the first one, i was too young and completely clueless - looking back i now know that i did just about everything wrong there. following that, i became entirely too subservient and controlled...according to that one, i just wasn't good at very much. thirdly, i was treated like a queen - i seemed to have bypassed the princess status and went straight to the Grand Dame. it wasn't that i did nothing wrong here, it's just that even when i did screw up - it was just no big deal. sweep that shit under the rug and let's eat. i think that i have learned that all of these were just too extreme for me, not necessarily bad - just not right. i need in-between in my life. i need yin and yang; NOT to be confused with conflict. i do not need that bullshit. i need to be allowed to be me as long as me is decent, kind and patient - and i'm not always. i need to be checked when i forget that life isn't all about me. i need to be reminded - nicely, of course - that sometimes shit sucks but it's a part of life. i have learned that i need balance.
7) i have learned that i need to write. it cleanses me. it gives me clarity. i've learned that i cannot survive without clarity - it provides me with silence. not literal silence - that is a rarity - but a mental quieting. my brain is a strange place - but it's fun and mostly cluttered. we're talking CONSTANT chatter. i need to step back on occasion and do something to make it just shut the fuck up...getting the noise out of my head and onto paper gives me this silence...followed by sweet, sweet clarity. it is a good thing.
8) i've learned that i believe we all invite toxic thoughts, situations and people into our personal bubbles. usually unintentionally, although, there are one or two people i know who simply must thrive on the drama of fucked up situations and relationships, as they do absolutely nothing to rid themselves of all of this crap in their lives, and actually seem to continue to pile it on day after day, year after year. personally, i'm learning that this cycle can be broken. i'm learning to break free from myself.
:)
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
pert near time to shit, or get.
lots to process these days.
big changes are looming, decisions to make, paths to take...it's time to at least pretend like i'm a grown-up for awhile.
*sigh*
divorce papers are signed - after 7 years. hell, after 20 years - it was a long road, rewarding in so many ways. no regrets. we have now each retreated to our corners and are taking a breath. we are still partners in parenting and we are - amazingly - friends. seems we have always been headed in two different directions...and now we find that, finally, it works.
i have so many decisions to make and i find that all i want to do is run away. from everything. i can't breathe here, i need to breathe. i'm circling - shit, i'm balls out spinning - around and around. don't know where to stop, don't know where to start. i have people depending upon me, depending upon the decisions i make. i don't want to make any of them, i just want to fade out. i have people counting on me to do the things that are right for them. i've rarely ever done the right thing. and now, it appears that it's really important. totally fucking sucks. (she says in her new grown-up, responsibility-laden voice).
it's changing me. i feel it, from the inside. it's frightening because i have no idea what the result will be. truly...none. for such a long time, i've just ambled along just doing my thing. going where i'm supposed to go, doing what i'm supposed to do, then making the time to do what i wanted. what if i no longer know what i want? what if i never really did? i stop, step back and take a look at shawna and wonder what the fuck her life is even about now.
i dig me, i just confuse the shit outta me. i make things so much harder than they need to be. it's a great time in my life...i'm starting to feel the freedoms that come when your kids branch off and start to do their own things. one kid is moved on to do his own grown-up thing. i feel for him...i remember when i first became aware of real responsibility. i remember wanting to run back home, dive behind my mom and say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?". i feel for him because he is in such a hurry to get moving in his life - we always are. i get it, but i still feel pangs of sadness for what lies ahead of him. having to back away from mama-bear mode is very hard for me. i know he has mistakes to make, i know he may fall. i believe he is strong enough to get back up and straighten the shit out, but it still frightens me. another kid seems to be growing emotionally right before my eyes. it may be a temporary thing, but what i am seeing is helping to ease some of the stress. thank God. yet a third kid is beginning a whole new chapter in her life these days. she too, is growing before my eyes - here it is more of a physical/mental thing. she is growing but she is just now entering a whole new realm of reality for all of us: a teen-aged daughter/sister/creature-with-snake-hair/whatever thing. she will change each and every one of us, in one way or another.
i am at a crossroads. a natural one, i get that, but no less frightening than any other has been for me. i just don't do change well...looking back into the past on some of the biggest changes that have occurred in my life, i realize that i have rarely handled them well, emotionally. i realize that after the dust settles, i tend to flail about for a good while longer. trying to find *my* ground. sometimes it takes awhile. i will see to it that the things that need to be taken care of, are...but won't be surprised if i wander off in my head afterwards to sort it all out.
baby steps. fuck this day-at-a-time crap. i WANT to take it one bottle at a time, but even *I* know that isn't the way to handle things. :)
how about we do this one hour at a time. i think i can do that.
big changes are looming, decisions to make, paths to take...it's time to at least pretend like i'm a grown-up for awhile.
*sigh*
divorce papers are signed - after 7 years. hell, after 20 years - it was a long road, rewarding in so many ways. no regrets. we have now each retreated to our corners and are taking a breath. we are still partners in parenting and we are - amazingly - friends. seems we have always been headed in two different directions...and now we find that, finally, it works.
i have so many decisions to make and i find that all i want to do is run away. from everything. i can't breathe here, i need to breathe. i'm circling - shit, i'm balls out spinning - around and around. don't know where to stop, don't know where to start. i have people depending upon me, depending upon the decisions i make. i don't want to make any of them, i just want to fade out. i have people counting on me to do the things that are right for them. i've rarely ever done the right thing. and now, it appears that it's really important. totally fucking sucks. (she says in her new grown-up, responsibility-laden voice).
it's changing me. i feel it, from the inside. it's frightening because i have no idea what the result will be. truly...none. for such a long time, i've just ambled along just doing my thing. going where i'm supposed to go, doing what i'm supposed to do, then making the time to do what i wanted. what if i no longer know what i want? what if i never really did? i stop, step back and take a look at shawna and wonder what the fuck her life is even about now.
i dig me, i just confuse the shit outta me. i make things so much harder than they need to be. it's a great time in my life...i'm starting to feel the freedoms that come when your kids branch off and start to do their own things. one kid is moved on to do his own grown-up thing. i feel for him...i remember when i first became aware of real responsibility. i remember wanting to run back home, dive behind my mom and say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?". i feel for him because he is in such a hurry to get moving in his life - we always are. i get it, but i still feel pangs of sadness for what lies ahead of him. having to back away from mama-bear mode is very hard for me. i know he has mistakes to make, i know he may fall. i believe he is strong enough to get back up and straighten the shit out, but it still frightens me. another kid seems to be growing emotionally right before my eyes. it may be a temporary thing, but what i am seeing is helping to ease some of the stress. thank God. yet a third kid is beginning a whole new chapter in her life these days. she too, is growing before my eyes - here it is more of a physical/mental thing. she is growing but she is just now entering a whole new realm of reality for all of us: a teen-aged daughter/sister/creature-with-snake-hair/whatever thing. she will change each and every one of us, in one way or another.
i am at a crossroads. a natural one, i get that, but no less frightening than any other has been for me. i just don't do change well...looking back into the past on some of the biggest changes that have occurred in my life, i realize that i have rarely handled them well, emotionally. i realize that after the dust settles, i tend to flail about for a good while longer. trying to find *my* ground. sometimes it takes awhile. i will see to it that the things that need to be taken care of, are...but won't be surprised if i wander off in my head afterwards to sort it all out.
baby steps. fuck this day-at-a-time crap. i WANT to take it one bottle at a time, but even *I* know that isn't the way to handle things. :)
how about we do this one hour at a time. i think i can do that.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
all kindsa fucked up.
i was told last week that i was to not blog about what's been going on in my life. it's private, shawna...keep it that way. know what? this is me...giving a shit about what you think. i communicate, it's what i do...i realize that's a foreign concept to you. oh, and you know what else? ...fuck you. just because you continue to hide everything away so no one will ever discover the truth about you, doesn't mean i have to. not any longer. you aren't my real dad. my real dad digs me.
<3 i love you, real dad <3
i am in turmoil. like i haven't been in a really long time...things keep hitting me from all sides and i'm buckling. seriously. i truly am a weak person. sure, i can be strong on the outside and around people i don't love. i will protect and shield those i do love, when they need it. but, get me inside, surrounded by my heart and i am a complete mess. i cry, i question everything i've ever done. it blows balls. i am all kindsa fucked up.
out of respect for those involved, i won't go into details, as much as i feel the desire to...i will say that i have hit a wall in one respect - i'm out of ideas. i've beat my head against this for about 3 years now over the same thing. even when it appears to be, it's not better, just smoke and mirrors.
{hahahahaaaa, omg i just made a joke and you have no clue. seriously, i think i'm finally going bat-shit crazy. ok...back to the surface i go.}
the truth is, nothing has really changed in this situation...all of the talking and rationalizing and deal-making. none of it seems to have made any difference...it's still going downhill. or at the very least, plateaued at a not-so-great-actually-rather-shitty-when-you-really-look-at-it level. i went to my final at-bat with regards to this last week and i'm pretty sure i have still failed. time will tell, but it's not looking good. does there comes a point in certain relationships where it's better if we say "fuck it, i really truly gave it my all and i don't know what else to do" and let the chips fall where they fall? is there really is a point in which you can do no more to help someone see a positive path? this will come back to bite me in the ass, i have no doubt. somehow, it will fall back on me - but i really truly have no other aces up my sleeve right now. it's quite possibly time to let what will be, be.
on another front, i have been fucked over by my personal sense of trust and judgement. it is really messing with my head. someone i trusted with all of me turned out to be nothing but a manipulative piece of judgmental, psychotic shit. don't really want to talk about that. it is very nerve-wracking. but, i find myself questioning every thing and worse, every ONE right now. good on you, you piece of shit...you have infiltrated the inner sanctum. you have fun with that...you fucked up mother-fucker.
lastly - i don't mean to be cryptic, but stick with me here, i do have to protect the "innocent" - someone close to me is echoing someone else who used to be close to me. in a very painful way and, therefore...it really fucking hurts. bad. like a knife directly into my gut and then twisted over and over again, bad. back to the questioning everything. this has me rethinking everything i've spent the last 25 years doing. everything. think about it. go back 25 years and question the direction you set off in back then. maybe you shouldn't have taken that particular path, eh? maybe, just maybe, you should have done something COMPLETELY different. like, oh...i dunno...become an astronaut, a hobo, a fucking nun*, for that matter...ANYthing other than what you chose. you were clearly not cut out for this shit. in fact, you are definitely sucking at it. you are sucking at your chosen way of being a contributing member of life right now.
(*hahahhaaaaa...i said "a fucking nun").
these things have me seriously wondering if i may really, honestly be a certifiable head-case. (all together now..."nooooo, really?") it would maybe not explain everything, but would at least give a reasonable platform for all that is fucked up. normally, i would think that possibility was totally cool and bask in it, but i still have to be a responsible person for some people in my life. ball-blowing, i say.
it's a shitty place to be and i'm really trying to find happy-shawna - she is still in there, just squashed a bit by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. usually this passes, but i've never actually been up against what i am facing now. i'm a little bit scared, and that just doesn't happen that often. i'm not sure what to do with it.
hold on loosely, bisshes....don't let go.
<3 i love you, real dad <3
i am in turmoil. like i haven't been in a really long time...things keep hitting me from all sides and i'm buckling. seriously. i truly am a weak person. sure, i can be strong on the outside and around people i don't love. i will protect and shield those i do love, when they need it. but, get me inside, surrounded by my heart and i am a complete mess. i cry, i question everything i've ever done. it blows balls. i am all kindsa fucked up.
out of respect for those involved, i won't go into details, as much as i feel the desire to...i will say that i have hit a wall in one respect - i'm out of ideas. i've beat my head against this for about 3 years now over the same thing. even when it appears to be, it's not better, just smoke and mirrors.
{hahahahaaaa, omg i just made a joke and you have no clue. seriously, i think i'm finally going bat-shit crazy. ok...back to the surface i go.}
the truth is, nothing has really changed in this situation...all of the talking and rationalizing and deal-making. none of it seems to have made any difference...it's still going downhill. or at the very least, plateaued at a not-so-great-actually-rather-shitty-when-you-really-look-at-it level. i went to my final at-bat with regards to this last week and i'm pretty sure i have still failed. time will tell, but it's not looking good. does there comes a point in certain relationships where it's better if we say "fuck it, i really truly gave it my all and i don't know what else to do" and let the chips fall where they fall? is there really is a point in which you can do no more to help someone see a positive path? this will come back to bite me in the ass, i have no doubt. somehow, it will fall back on me - but i really truly have no other aces up my sleeve right now. it's quite possibly time to let what will be, be.
on another front, i have been fucked over by my personal sense of trust and judgement. it is really messing with my head. someone i trusted with all of me turned out to be nothing but a manipulative piece of judgmental, psychotic shit. don't really want to talk about that. it is very nerve-wracking. but, i find myself questioning every thing and worse, every ONE right now. good on you, you piece of shit...you have infiltrated the inner sanctum. you have fun with that...you fucked up mother-fucker.
lastly - i don't mean to be cryptic, but stick with me here, i do have to protect the "innocent" - someone close to me is echoing someone else who used to be close to me. in a very painful way and, therefore...it really fucking hurts. bad. like a knife directly into my gut and then twisted over and over again, bad. back to the questioning everything. this has me rethinking everything i've spent the last 25 years doing. everything. think about it. go back 25 years and question the direction you set off in back then. maybe you shouldn't have taken that particular path, eh? maybe, just maybe, you should have done something COMPLETELY different. like, oh...i dunno...become an astronaut, a hobo, a fucking nun*, for that matter...ANYthing other than what you chose. you were clearly not cut out for this shit. in fact, you are definitely sucking at it. you are sucking at your chosen way of being a contributing member of life right now.
(*hahahhaaaaa...i said "a fucking nun").
these things have me seriously wondering if i may really, honestly be a certifiable head-case. (all together now..."nooooo, really?") it would maybe not explain everything, but would at least give a reasonable platform for all that is fucked up. normally, i would think that possibility was totally cool and bask in it, but i still have to be a responsible person for some people in my life. ball-blowing, i say.
it's a shitty place to be and i'm really trying to find happy-shawna - she is still in there, just squashed a bit by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. usually this passes, but i've never actually been up against what i am facing now. i'm a little bit scared, and that just doesn't happen that often. i'm not sure what to do with it.
hold on loosely, bisshes....don't let go.
Friday, December 31, 2010
should be sleepin'...
waiting for my friend mr nyquil to kick my ass. sitting here thinking about disappointment and i've come to the conclusion, it blows balls. i despise disappointment; i despise causing it and i despise feeling it...and i've done too much of both.
what's the answer, though - quit depending on people? quit allowing them to depend up on me? who lives like that...bitter, resentful, lonely people is all i can think of.
it's not a huge stretch to expect honesty, to be expected to give honesty. i sat back and dug into my brain's ass 6 years ago and made two lists: one list of the things i absolutely would never live again without, and the other of the things i could never again live with. honesty and dishonesty were at the top of those lists, hands down...no hesitation. second on those lists were loyalty and disloyalty. third was probably something silly like bacon and bad breath; but i digress.
where i'm headed with this is that i am a pleaser and have found that the most effective way to please is to be a (an?) honest, loyal friend who tells it like it is, but in a way that isn't brutally painful. oftentimes easier said than done...my greatest strength? my empathy for others; my strongest weakness? my empathy for others. a double edged muther-fuckin sword, it is.
while i am who i am and have tried to accept that not everyone is like me - can i get a "THANK YOU OH MY GOD" for that - what i have trouble with is reconciling the fact that there are those that give and take and then there are those that just give OR take. i take a lot, actually - i give more, but i do have the take-shit part down, with the trophy in my sights...it's fairly new to me so i expect that my grades will improve with time.
i give - dale and i have a joke about "givers" that we know and unfortunately, it is almost always referring to a slut of sorts...as in "she is SUCH a giver", meaning head, ass, what have you. yea, anyway what was i saying? oh yea - i give. the people that i love have access to anything i am able to give to them, 24/7/364 (ha! actually chuckled at that)... i love it when i have what they need, really i do - it makes me happy. maybe it's the cementing of some of my worth to them. i dunno but probably, as being worthy seems to be something more valuable to me than gold (notice i did not say the b-a-c-o-n word). but that, my friends, is a whole 'nuva therapy session.
moving on - someone mentioned to me the possibility of not expecting anything from others and thus, not being disappointed in them. another person suggested i stop giving to certain people, that perhaps that would trigger something in the takers and make them change their evil ways. neither one is an option for me. i DO expect things from other people in my life. i DO expect honesty and loyalty and a shoulder should i need it, from them. further more, i cannot stop giving for a manipulative reason. don't get me wrong, i might-maybe be able to manipulate adolf-effing-hitler under the table if the mood strikes...but when it happens, i choose to do it unencumbered. yet another session ;)
so what is the answer? well hell...i guess it's to just keep on keepin' on. i'll keep giving and maybe when all is said and done, i'll march my ass up to the Pearly Gates, drier than a dead dingo's donger, and Saint Jim-Bob will say "dayum gurrrrrrrl, let's have some wine!" and off we'll go talkin' about all the asswipes we passed something off to along the way.
ok...wow. that made almost no sense at all. i surely do love you my nyquilly boy...loves.
what's the answer, though - quit depending on people? quit allowing them to depend up on me? who lives like that...bitter, resentful, lonely people is all i can think of.
it's not a huge stretch to expect honesty, to be expected to give honesty. i sat back and dug into my brain's ass 6 years ago and made two lists: one list of the things i absolutely would never live again without, and the other of the things i could never again live with. honesty and dishonesty were at the top of those lists, hands down...no hesitation. second on those lists were loyalty and disloyalty. third was probably something silly like bacon and bad breath; but i digress.
where i'm headed with this is that i am a pleaser and have found that the most effective way to please is to be a (an?) honest, loyal friend who tells it like it is, but in a way that isn't brutally painful. oftentimes easier said than done...my greatest strength? my empathy for others; my strongest weakness? my empathy for others. a double edged muther-fuckin sword, it is.
while i am who i am and have tried to accept that not everyone is like me - can i get a "THANK YOU OH MY GOD" for that - what i have trouble with is reconciling the fact that there are those that give and take and then there are those that just give OR take. i take a lot, actually - i give more, but i do have the take-shit part down, with the trophy in my sights...it's fairly new to me so i expect that my grades will improve with time.
i give - dale and i have a joke about "givers" that we know and unfortunately, it is almost always referring to a slut of sorts...as in "she is SUCH a giver", meaning head, ass, what have you. yea, anyway what was i saying? oh yea - i give. the people that i love have access to anything i am able to give to them, 24/7/364 (ha! actually chuckled at that)... i love it when i have what they need, really i do - it makes me happy. maybe it's the cementing of some of my worth to them. i dunno but probably, as being worthy seems to be something more valuable to me than gold (notice i did not say the b-a-c-o-n word). but that, my friends, is a whole 'nuva therapy session.
moving on - someone mentioned to me the possibility of not expecting anything from others and thus, not being disappointed in them. another person suggested i stop giving to certain people, that perhaps that would trigger something in the takers and make them change their evil ways. neither one is an option for me. i DO expect things from other people in my life. i DO expect honesty and loyalty and a shoulder should i need it, from them. further more, i cannot stop giving for a manipulative reason. don't get me wrong, i might-maybe be able to manipulate adolf-effing-hitler under the table if the mood strikes...but when it happens, i choose to do it unencumbered. yet another session ;)
so what is the answer? well hell...i guess it's to just keep on keepin' on. i'll keep giving and maybe when all is said and done, i'll march my ass up to the Pearly Gates, drier than a dead dingo's donger, and Saint Jim-Bob will say "dayum gurrrrrrrl, let's have some wine!" and off we'll go talkin' about all the asswipes we passed something off to along the way.
ok...wow. that made almost no sense at all. i surely do love you my nyquilly boy...loves.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
a few days early this year, but necessary for me right now...
i'm never sure whether or not to post this on the anniversary of the death of my daughter...i've decided to do it again this year for me and me alone. it is a sad, painful recollection of the day she died, as told 18 years later. it took a long time for me to put it all down into words and it was amazingly cleansing to do so. she is always in my heart and she guides me daily. still.
just a warning of sorts that it isn't pleasant. it is raw and it is real. it is a day in my life that changed everything i knew to be real and reshaped everything from that point forward. it is actually the story of the day that i realized i had no choice but to live my life - regardless of what obstacles were thrown into my path. we don't get to choose much of our way, but we do get the chance to change how we deal with things in our future.
to those who have never experienced this, may God allow you to continue on through your life without ever knowing it; to those who have experienced it - and i know way too many of you personally - know that you are never alone and that you actually were given an amazing gift. something that you may not be able to hold in your arms today, but something that will give you the single-most amazing moment yet to come.
miss morgan: december 22, 1990
just a warning of sorts that it isn't pleasant. it is raw and it is real. it is a day in my life that changed everything i knew to be real and reshaped everything from that point forward. it is actually the story of the day that i realized i had no choice but to live my life - regardless of what obstacles were thrown into my path. we don't get to choose much of our way, but we do get the chance to change how we deal with things in our future.
to those who have never experienced this, may God allow you to continue on through your life without ever knowing it; to those who have experienced it - and i know way too many of you personally - know that you are never alone and that you actually were given an amazing gift. something that you may not be able to hold in your arms today, but something that will give you the single-most amazing moment yet to come.
miss morgan: december 22, 1990
Thursday, December 2, 2010
more sweet, than bitter...
the holidays are here again, the sky above is (still) clear (again)...shall we sing a song of cheer again, holidays are here again...
bittersweet. word for the season...december 22, 2010 marks the 20th anniversary of my daughter morgan's death. whoa. 20 freakin years since my girl died at 10 months of meningitis. which means she would be 21 on february 15, 2011. jeebus, how old AM i? my grams died last month. another huge void in my life. i was raised with her 50 yards away until my mid-teens - she has been a huge part of me for as long as i can remember. the girl and i made a trip up to see her in early october - and i will be forever thankful that we did.
feeling a bit blue and can't quite place my hand upon why. i imagine it's a combination of things...but i generally love this time of year and i need to get my shit in gear, lol. this is also the time of year i start to see a change in my kids. energy level (read: obnoxiousness rating) goes up, boredom prevails and nerves get frayed. my girl has been watching Christmas classics and listening to Christmas songs for weeks already. she's hitting me up to decorate the Christmas tree this weekend. i NEVER have my tree up this early. i know this is what old people say, but it seems like i just took the damn thing down.
i think what is contributing to my funk is the fact that i am starting to realize that love leads to pain ---damn, raise your hand if you saw that coming--- what i mean is i'm getting to a point in my life when i am beginning to realize that life doesn't go on forever. that we WILL have to say goodbye to those we love. the harder and the deeper we love, the harder and deeper the pain will run. it WILL be devastating and there is no dodging it. unless, of course, it is our life that ends first. and so i find myself worrying. morbid, yes; futile, yes; depressing, yes; but pointless, no. i am learning - finally - that i should be living my life one moment at a time. i need to appreciate all of the good that surrounds me. i need to be a better, kinder, more thoughtful person. i should be less judgmental (pffftt, yea, like that is ever gonna happen.) my point is, it's never too late to change the way we affect other people.
seriously, when i look around at the people i truly love and i do mean L-O-V-E with all of my heart, and i try to imagine losing them...well, it's simple, i can't do it. i know, very well, the pain of loss. i know how devastating it is, how paralyzing it is, how it sucks the very breath out of your entire body leaving you frantically searching for a place where you can just crumble and fall, because you are sure you will never see the light of another day. you pray to God to spare you from ever seeing the light of another day - anything, yes even death, is preferable to the pain. how does one survive the knowledge that such loss lies on their life's horizon?
(cue JT) you shower the people you love with love...you show them the way that you feel. you don't dwell on the knowledge of the inevitable goodbye, but you must understand and accept it and then you prepare for it the only way you really can. you love deeper, you hug tighter, you kiss longer, you squeeze harder. you truly allow yourself to experience love. bittersweet, absolutely...but i cannot imagine my life without it. better to have loved and lost...? no question.
group hug time. <3
bittersweet. word for the season...december 22, 2010 marks the 20th anniversary of my daughter morgan's death. whoa. 20 freakin years since my girl died at 10 months of meningitis. which means she would be 21 on february 15, 2011. jeebus, how old AM i? my grams died last month. another huge void in my life. i was raised with her 50 yards away until my mid-teens - she has been a huge part of me for as long as i can remember. the girl and i made a trip up to see her in early october - and i will be forever thankful that we did.
feeling a bit blue and can't quite place my hand upon why. i imagine it's a combination of things...but i generally love this time of year and i need to get my shit in gear, lol. this is also the time of year i start to see a change in my kids. energy level (read: obnoxiousness rating) goes up, boredom prevails and nerves get frayed. my girl has been watching Christmas classics and listening to Christmas songs for weeks already. she's hitting me up to decorate the Christmas tree this weekend. i NEVER have my tree up this early. i know this is what old people say, but it seems like i just took the damn thing down.
i think what is contributing to my funk is the fact that i am starting to realize that love leads to pain ---damn, raise your hand if you saw that coming--- what i mean is i'm getting to a point in my life when i am beginning to realize that life doesn't go on forever. that we WILL have to say goodbye to those we love. the harder and the deeper we love, the harder and deeper the pain will run. it WILL be devastating and there is no dodging it. unless, of course, it is our life that ends first. and so i find myself worrying. morbid, yes; futile, yes; depressing, yes; but pointless, no. i am learning - finally - that i should be living my life one moment at a time. i need to appreciate all of the good that surrounds me. i need to be a better, kinder, more thoughtful person. i should be less judgmental (pffftt, yea, like that is ever gonna happen.) my point is, it's never too late to change the way we affect other people.
seriously, when i look around at the people i truly love and i do mean L-O-V-E with all of my heart, and i try to imagine losing them...well, it's simple, i can't do it. i know, very well, the pain of loss. i know how devastating it is, how paralyzing it is, how it sucks the very breath out of your entire body leaving you frantically searching for a place where you can just crumble and fall, because you are sure you will never see the light of another day. you pray to God to spare you from ever seeing the light of another day - anything, yes even death, is preferable to the pain. how does one survive the knowledge that such loss lies on their life's horizon?
(cue JT) you shower the people you love with love...you show them the way that you feel. you don't dwell on the knowledge of the inevitable goodbye, but you must understand and accept it and then you prepare for it the only way you really can. you love deeper, you hug tighter, you kiss longer, you squeeze harder. you truly allow yourself to experience love. bittersweet, absolutely...but i cannot imagine my life without it. better to have loved and lost...? no question.
group hug time. <3
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
there once was this guy...
that i didn't know. something happened to him and suddenly he was gone. just...gone. i see the reaction of people that did know him and i am touched. so deeply. i hope he had a sense of how treasured he was while he was here. i do doubt it, though...
we all want to believe that we have made a difference in at least ONE other person's life, don't we? i mean yes, mom's know that they have spawned other little human beings - some definitely questionable on exactly what percentage of them are really human, but i digress. so, in the area of reproduction some of us have made a difference, but what i mean is within other people's hearts and souls. people we may have never met, people we may have met but not recognized that we have connected in some way. people we have known but not understood. people that we assume we have made no difference in them whatsoever.
do you ever wonder what people will say/think/believe about you if you were suddenly just...gone? it freaks me out, lol...don't you imagine that your friends would certainly miss something - if only the droning of your voice as you ramble on and on and on about things that no one in their right mind, or otherwise, could possibly find interesting? would they miss something as cool as listening to you describe your dog dragging his ass on the concrete patio as you stand there and try to have a serious conversation with your stripper/bug guy? would they miss listening to you actually cry about stupid things? something as stupid as, oh i don't know...the fact that you went to the freezer jonsing for some strawberry toaster strudels only to find that your little savage bastard hoover-vacuum children have eaten all of them once again, left the empty box in the freezer and you HAVE. JUST. HAD. IT with their little mooching ruinous asses? would they miss hearing you laugh about even stupider things? something like the fact that you actually managed to make yourself look even lower than the white trash that you are by getting busted "stealing" a broken toilet seat from a pile of discarded stuff that sits in the street waiting for the trash man because you think you can use part of it for a nifty redneck planter? what about missing you bitch about really intelligent things? things like OMGGGGG how pissed off you get when you gesture to your significant other to grab a line at costco that is suddenly shorter than the one you are standing in, and the person behind you hears you and darts to the short line before your guy even begins to process that you are asking him to do something? holy SHIT that makes my balls boil...but wait, this isn't about me, lol.
my point is i am sitting here wondering if everyone who has touched my life knows that they have and to what extent? i'm talking about the ones that have touched it in a positive way - believe you me...those other bastards definitely know they have fucked up. you can't let that shit slide. again, digression. sorry. stop and think about it...do you know? (where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you, do you know?) do your people know it from you? maybe you should tell them, show them, make sure they do know...but be careful, people tend to get freaked out if you just pop into their life and say "hey, you know i dig you right? no matter what? ok cool, just checking" and dart off again. maybe ease into it a with a little more subtlety. something a little more personal, like, "hey remember that rash you were complaining about that just showed up that one time we got shitfaced and woke up naked on the homeless docks? good times - everything clear up ok? cool, keep on keepin' on and know i dig you baby". see class really does make all the difference.
serially - know that i dig you baby
we all want to believe that we have made a difference in at least ONE other person's life, don't we? i mean yes, mom's know that they have spawned other little human beings - some definitely questionable on exactly what percentage of them are really human, but i digress. so, in the area of reproduction some of us have made a difference, but what i mean is within other people's hearts and souls. people we may have never met, people we may have met but not recognized that we have connected in some way. people we have known but not understood. people that we assume we have made no difference in them whatsoever.
do you ever wonder what people will say/think/believe about you if you were suddenly just...gone? it freaks me out, lol...don't you imagine that your friends would certainly miss something - if only the droning of your voice as you ramble on and on and on about things that no one in their right mind, or otherwise, could possibly find interesting? would they miss something as cool as listening to you describe your dog dragging his ass on the concrete patio as you stand there and try to have a serious conversation with your stripper/bug guy? would they miss listening to you actually cry about stupid things? something as stupid as, oh i don't know...the fact that you went to the freezer jonsing for some strawberry toaster strudels only to find that your little savage bastard hoover-vacuum children have eaten all of them once again, left the empty box in the freezer and you HAVE. JUST. HAD. IT with their little mooching ruinous asses? would they miss hearing you laugh about even stupider things? something like the fact that you actually managed to make yourself look even lower than the white trash that you are by getting busted "stealing" a broken toilet seat from a pile of discarded stuff that sits in the street waiting for the trash man because you think you can use part of it for a nifty redneck planter? what about missing you bitch about really intelligent things? things like OMGGGGG how pissed off you get when you gesture to your significant other to grab a line at costco that is suddenly shorter than the one you are standing in, and the person behind you hears you and darts to the short line before your guy even begins to process that you are asking him to do something? holy SHIT that makes my balls boil...but wait, this isn't about me, lol.
my point is i am sitting here wondering if everyone who has touched my life knows that they have and to what extent? i'm talking about the ones that have touched it in a positive way - believe you me...those other bastards definitely know they have fucked up. you can't let that shit slide. again, digression. sorry. stop and think about it...do you know? (where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you, do you know?) do your people know it from you? maybe you should tell them, show them, make sure they do know...but be careful, people tend to get freaked out if you just pop into their life and say "hey, you know i dig you right? no matter what? ok cool, just checking" and dart off again. maybe ease into it a with a little more subtlety. something a little more personal, like, "hey remember that rash you were complaining about that just showed up that one time we got shitfaced and woke up naked on the homeless docks? good times - everything clear up ok? cool, keep on keepin' on and know i dig you baby". see class really does make all the difference.
serially - know that i dig you baby
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
washington irving was one cool dude.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
i am the sole master of my domain...
i was checking in on someone yesterday, someone who is a somewhat visible person in my life, but hadn't really surfaced much in the last couple of weeks. my intent was not to yell "POPCORN!" in a crowded room thus making this person think that i was whining about being neglected, although i suspected my inquiry might do just that...this person is, let's call it, "stretched pretty thin" in their life and probably feels kinda like a hamster on a wheel. i could be wrong, but i'm pretty sure i'm not.
anyway, the point to my rambling is that i wanted to show this person that i was missing them, cared and therefore, sought to find out if there was anything wrong or anything i could help with. my dilemma was in making sure they didn't misunderstand my intentions and feel pressured to contact me for a quick stroke or two. really i just wanted to let them know i was thinking of them. i made a pretty simple statement to them, but as i reread it i realized that it pretty much summed up something that is relatively new to me. i am learning to group, accept and deal with things as they relate to my control over them.
what i said to this person was, "just making sure everything (read: in your life) that i can control was ok and everything i can't wasn't swallowing you alive. i'm here if you need me." i know, nothing earth-shattering really. a pretty straightforward approach and really no big deal. but it made me stop and think about this particular person's life and my concerns for them regarding it. this person gives just about everything of themselves to other people in their life. i would say it's a fairly content person, but maybe not an incredibly happy person. don't get me wrong, content is nice...but i think happy takes content an imperative step further when dealing with your own...destiny, for lack of a better word.
stick with me while i compare the two: content feels like coming home from work and seeing your family is safe and sound; happy feels like coming home to a safe and sound family that is excited to see you and asks you how your day was, showing genuine care - not trying to just get you out of the way so they can talk about themselves.
content feels like having someone ask your opinion of something and being allowed to give it - not really expecting that it will be considered, but hoping and glad to be asked; happy feels like being asked your opinion and giving it, knowing that your opinion truly matters and will actually carry some weight in the decision-making process.
content feels like thinking you matter in a way that is important to a bigger picture; happy feels like knowing it and seeing the positive changes you have made in the world by just being you.
try and look at contentment as being hungry and having access to a well balanced, well cooked meal - and happiness as being hungry and having access to a well balanced, well cooked meal that you know was prepared with your likes and dislikes in mind.
basically, i think we are content in believing our contributions in life are necessary to someone-something-somewhere; but aren't we truly happy when we know it, when we feel it, when we live it?
we've all heard that other people can't make you happy - only you can make you happy and i totally agree. i realize that all the things i've mentioned that contrast being content with being happy make it seem that you need to depend upon other people for your happiness...but go back a step further, who do you choose to spend your life surrounded by? because our lives are so constantly intertwined with other people, it's nearly impossible to not look to others, in some capacity, for happiness. do you choose people that help you to feel content within yourself? do you choose to surround yourself with people who bring out your capacity for happiness just by being near them, thinking of them or knowing that they are in your life? i really believe that we shouldn't have to toil for happiness itself, i think if we live our lives the best we can, being the best kind of person we can and showing others our appreciation for them, happiness should just happen.
if you have someone in your life that creates happiness for you, enables you to be happy in some way that you wouldn't be without them, someone without whom your life would be a darker place - tell them, show them, make sure they feel it from you. i think we forget that love should be alive; a growing, living, continuing thing, not something you feel, mention and then put into your back pocket until next time.
finally, back to one of my original thoughts - i do realize i'm a bit all over the map here, but it's how my brain seems to function - be sure to tend to your own knitting before instructing someone else on how to do it. make sure that everything that you control is ok. then see to the people you love, make sure they aren't being swallowed up by all of those other things you cannot control. we all have things beyond us...all we can do is accept that fact, learn to identify what they are, do our best to deal with them in ourselves and then cushion and support those we care about that might be in the process of being swallowed up by them.
directed toward this one particular person i mentioned earlier, but meant to everyone that considers your friendship with me something other than ordinary...know that you are a special person, regardless of how those around you sometimes act - towards you or towards whoever else happens to be in their line of fire. know that i appreciate you and understand so much about you because we are alike in so many ways. know that i am here to cushion you and support you when dealing with all the bullshit life tends to throw. (whoa. was that my first curse word?) know that i am your friend and you can count on me. know that i love who you are.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
omg i'm so pms'ing right now
i must be.
for different reasons that i won't go into right now ("jeebus", you say, "you mean there are actually some things she doesn't tell the world?") i have been sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks for 20 minutes thinking of how fucking blessed i am to have some of the most amazing people in the world care for me. there is such a range of people that i love with absolutely all of my heart. they come from all over, some i have personally hugged 'til they couldn't breathe and some i have only dreamed of hugging that hard. i wish i could find the words to describe how completely full my heart is right now. i canna esplain...i can only let it spill over and flood me with warmth and happiness and love. omg, i just fucking love you guys...
ok, ok crap and jeesbus-rice, aunt flo - show up already, this nancy shit is for chicks.
ok, ok crap and jeesbus-rice, aunt flo - show up already, this nancy shit is for chicks.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
i am thankful...no, really i am.
ok, i bitch...alot. which does not mean i am ungrateful for or blind to my many blessings.
just taking a minute out of my rantings to say that. i really do know that i am blessed...i have an amazing and supportive family - immediate, extended, in-lawed, out-lawed...all of them. i have an incredible assortment of friends - close, far away, real, imagined, whatever. i have my health ( i know blahddy blah blah...but it's true). i have had and continue to have love, encouragement, acceptance and support at every turn of my life. i am one of the lucky ones, in so many ways and i want to thank God for the life i have been given...it's had it's trials, it's had it's tribulations (does anybody really even know what a tribulation is?) and it's had it's joys and successes.
really truly i could not ask for more. probably i will, of course, but my point is that i don't have to - i could die today and have lived, loved and experienced more than enough than one silly redneck girl could ever hope for.
peace and relaxation to you and all that you love, enjoy your day of thanks and hey...go packers, raiders, broncos and brett favre (sorry fleck, no can vikqueens do - MUAH)!
just taking a minute out of my rantings to say that. i really do know that i am blessed...i have an amazing and supportive family - immediate, extended, in-lawed, out-lawed...all of them. i have an incredible assortment of friends - close, far away, real, imagined, whatever. i have my health ( i know blahddy blah blah...but it's true). i have had and continue to have love, encouragement, acceptance and support at every turn of my life. i am one of the lucky ones, in so many ways and i want to thank God for the life i have been given...it's had it's trials, it's had it's tribulations (does anybody really even know what a tribulation is?) and it's had it's joys and successes.
really truly i could not ask for more. probably i will, of course, but my point is that i don't have to - i could die today and have lived, loved and experienced more than enough than one silly redneck girl could ever hope for.
peace and relaxation to you and all that you love, enjoy your day of thanks and hey...go packers, raiders, broncos and brett favre (sorry fleck, no can vikqueens do - MUAH)!
Friday, November 6, 2009
just to remind you, if you ever need it.
i so deeply appreciate the person that you are. the depth of your goodness sometimes overwhelms me and simply floods me with love for you. with open arms you let me cry, you let me laugh, you let me love, you let me be and then you love me still. you are God's gift to me and you are forever deep in my heart...i love you.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
word for the day: necessary
i've been stewing about this cleaning of the bedroom thing for two days now and have come to the conclusion that there really is nothing i can do to *make* him clean his room. he's too big to drag around by the hand and force him to pick things up. my choices are to clean it up on my own - this might actually prompt him to take a full can of garbage and pepper his room with it...he's that stubborn; let him live in his filth - which, granted, isn't horrible...i *can* see the floor, there isn't food growing in there and he's right about the fact that a clean room isn't "necessary" to a productive life; or i can attempt to show him the error of his newly acquired, let's call them "logically free-thinking" ways.
let's take the first option...if i clean his room it causes two problems: one, *I* have to clean his room - ew. two, honestly i would only be doing it to piss him off - he despises his room when it's clean...he says it's depressing. safe to say this isn't the best option. next...
second option: what message does letting him blatantly defy me send to the other two sweet wonderful accommodating children that do clean their rooms when i ask? is it just a matter of time before they put their humongous feet down and refuse to clean their rooms in an act of sibling solidarity? this option does not sit well with me as the MOTY that needs to keep her children respecting her authority in order to not go completely insane, resulting in the packing of my shit and leaving them all with their dad.
option three: he says i'm being spiteful, he says i'm ignoring the respect he has and does show me and painting him unfairly as a derisive little punk. i will admit, the term passive-agressive *has* entered my mind the last two days as i contemplate all of the things i do for him that are truly "unnecessary", but i think i'm gonna run with this option...
i think it will show him that he can't have it both ways - that if one path is chosen, another is foresaken. sacrifices must be made, repercussions will follow the liberating act of overriding authority with "logic"...he needs to be ready to embrace everything that his decision entails and that it's NOT spiteful, it's NOT passive-agressive, it's NOT disregarding his goodness...
it's NOT personal, it's life.
right? RIGHT?!?
f me if shit and two isn't eight.
let's take the first option...if i clean his room it causes two problems: one, *I* have to clean his room - ew. two, honestly i would only be doing it to piss him off - he despises his room when it's clean...he says it's depressing. safe to say this isn't the best option. next...
second option: what message does letting him blatantly defy me send to the other two sweet wonderful accommodating children that do clean their rooms when i ask? is it just a matter of time before they put their humongous feet down and refuse to clean their rooms in an act of sibling solidarity? this option does not sit well with me as the MOTY that needs to keep her children respecting her authority in order to not go completely insane, resulting in the packing of my shit and leaving them all with their dad.
option three: he says i'm being spiteful, he says i'm ignoring the respect he has and does show me and painting him unfairly as a derisive little punk. i will admit, the term passive-agressive *has* entered my mind the last two days as i contemplate all of the things i do for him that are truly "unnecessary", but i think i'm gonna run with this option...
i think it will show him that he can't have it both ways - that if one path is chosen, another is foresaken. sacrifices must be made, repercussions will follow the liberating act of overriding authority with "logic"...he needs to be ready to embrace everything that his decision entails and that it's NOT spiteful, it's NOT passive-agressive, it's NOT disregarding his goodness...
it's NOT personal, it's life.
right? RIGHT?!?
f me if shit and two isn't eight.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Shawna the Unicorn Destroyer
i'm not sure what happened these past few days...i'm thinking that The Birthday Weekend took more of a toll than i thought it would. all the birthday stuff went pretty smoothly, that is until i was offhandedly accused of chipping a large child's (curiously he's the exact size of ms b's DAD) ceramic unicorn...
brynn's party was at a place called Color-Me-Mine. it's this very cool studio where you pick out a ceramic piece of whatever and you paint it. they label it and fire it and you pick it up a week or so later...very cool, very fun, very messy. the "kids" are to put on three coats of paint and dry with a hairdryer in between coats - i took on the drying role because i'm cool that way and besides, it got me away from all the little crumbsnatchers crying because they got blue paint on the toes they wanted brown...they of course wanted the grown-up in the group (see, this should have been my sign right here) to clean off the misguided paint (for the 3rd time) so they could make it the color they really wanted it to be. [i tried handling this role in the beginning, but when i started experiencing a very strong desire to smash the multi-colored (does a little bit of blue really affect your every-color-under-the-rainbow-EXCEPT-blue turtle???) pieces against the wall, i decided it was probably best to hand it over to the professionals that are properly trained for that kind of stuff...]
ok...so my role as the hairdryer-wielding cool mom was going quite smoothly over in my little corner. i'm happy as an overheated clam (take one small room with 10 little kids and three adults, add one continuously running hairdryer on high and a pre-menopausal, anti-depressant drugged female...let's just say it tends to get really damp), minding my business, doing my job, when Disneyland Dad (the previously alluded to large child painting a unicorn) brings me his magnificent mythical pet to dry. i can handle this, i'm a big, independent girl now, he doesn't affect me anymore, he doesn't stress me out when he's within 15 feet of me, the sound of his voice doesn't make my hands suddenly quit working and drop everything with no reason, i'm a good dryer, i'm a pro, i've been doing this crap for oh, about an hour now...bring it on.
well fuck me running if the thing didn't fall over - OVER! - as soon as i put the hairdryer to it. it fell quietly, but it still fell...eek! i risked a quick look around to see if anyone noticed, nope - it's all good i'm clear. i nonchalantly checked the precious beast for smeared paint, nope - all good still. whew. i continued on drying it and then ever-so-gently returned it to it's master. i wandered a bit checking on the little monsters' progress happening around the room. every once in awhile, i would allow myself to imagine the horrible things that could have happened to that unicorn (and then stifle the giggles that threatened to expose me)...i allowed myself the image of it crashing to the ground shattering into a million pieces..."oops! i'm so sorry..." (heh heh heh). all the while silently gesturing the sign of the cross in my head (nope not even catholic).
and then it happened.
"uhm, shawna?"
"hmmm...?" (ugh, what could he possibly want from me?)
"did you drop my unicorn?" (his head is down, he's still painting...)
"what...i can't hear you" (CRAAAAP!)
"did you drop my unicorn when you were drying it?" (raised eyebrow...just wondering is all)
"WHAT...? DID I WHAT...???" (i yell back because whew, it sure is loud in here)
"my unicorn has a chipped hoof. i'm quite sure it wasn't chipped before..." (two raised brows and a head bob, he's rapidly becoming ghetto-oprah)
"you have a chip stuck WHERE?" (wildly gesturing with my hands at my ears that it is JUST too loud for me to hear clearly)
"never mind..." (he offers up a huge sigh with a definite eye roll...fucker)
"are you sure? i'm sorry i can't hear you, it's just so LOUD in here" (pure sweetness and light)
"there is a chipped hoof on my unicorn that wasn't there before, and i'm pretty sure I didn't drop it..." (he officially launches the Accusing Glare)
"oh wow, really? gee bummer, no...i don't remember dropping it, i'm sure i would remember if i dropped it...hmmm, wonder how that happened?" (it's not a lie, it's not a lie...i didn't drop it - it fell, there's a difference!)
i swear, my life with him has almost always been like that...i am quite competent until he comes around. then i'm just a clumsy moron with no rational explanation for anything i do around him. a bit later, as he was drying his third coat (HE handled the hairdryer this time, thank you very much...) i wandered over with another piece to dry and because i am a complete juvenile and it is physically impossible for me to shut my mouth at times (it's a defect i've suffered from since early childhood), this hissing exchange occurs quietly at the corner of the room:
"i didn't break your stupid unicorn..."
"i didn't say you did, i just asked if you dropped it - jeez, friggen lighten up and quit being such a bitch..."
"pffftttttt...what-EVER!" (with a sassy hair flip as i sashay off )
hmmm, a lot of our conversations are like that. this divorce thing remains a complete mystery...
brynn's party was at a place called Color-Me-Mine. it's this very cool studio where you pick out a ceramic piece of whatever and you paint it. they label it and fire it and you pick it up a week or so later...very cool, very fun, very messy. the "kids" are to put on three coats of paint and dry with a hairdryer in between coats - i took on the drying role because i'm cool that way and besides, it got me away from all the little crumbsnatchers crying because they got blue paint on the toes they wanted brown...they of course wanted the grown-up in the group (see, this should have been my sign right here) to clean off the misguided paint (for the 3rd time) so they could make it the color they really wanted it to be. [i tried handling this role in the beginning, but when i started experiencing a very strong desire to smash the multi-colored (does a little bit of blue really affect your every-color-under-the-rainbow-EXCEPT-blue turtle???) pieces against the wall, i decided it was probably best to hand it over to the professionals that are properly trained for that kind of stuff...]
ok...so my role as the hairdryer-wielding cool mom was going quite smoothly over in my little corner. i'm happy as an overheated clam (take one small room with 10 little kids and three adults, add one continuously running hairdryer on high and a pre-menopausal, anti-depressant drugged female...let's just say it tends to get really damp), minding my business, doing my job, when Disneyland Dad (the previously alluded to large child painting a unicorn) brings me his magnificent mythical pet to dry. i can handle this, i'm a big, independent girl now, he doesn't affect me anymore, he doesn't stress me out when he's within 15 feet of me, the sound of his voice doesn't make my hands suddenly quit working and drop everything with no reason, i'm a good dryer, i'm a pro, i've been doing this crap for oh, about an hour now...bring it on.
well fuck me running if the thing didn't fall over - OVER! - as soon as i put the hairdryer to it. it fell quietly, but it still fell...eek! i risked a quick look around to see if anyone noticed, nope - it's all good i'm clear. i nonchalantly checked the precious beast for smeared paint, nope - all good still. whew. i continued on drying it and then ever-so-gently returned it to it's master. i wandered a bit checking on the little monsters' progress happening around the room. every once in awhile, i would allow myself to imagine the horrible things that could have happened to that unicorn (and then stifle the giggles that threatened to expose me)...i allowed myself the image of it crashing to the ground shattering into a million pieces..."oops! i'm so sorry..." (heh heh heh). all the while silently gesturing the sign of the cross in my head (nope not even catholic).
and then it happened.
"uhm, shawna?"
"hmmm...?" (ugh, what could he possibly want from me?)
"did you drop my unicorn?" (his head is down, he's still painting...)
"what...i can't hear you" (CRAAAAP!)
"did you drop my unicorn when you were drying it?" (raised eyebrow...just wondering is all)
"WHAT...? DID I WHAT...???" (i yell back because whew, it sure is loud in here)
"my unicorn has a chipped hoof. i'm quite sure it wasn't chipped before..." (two raised brows and a head bob, he's rapidly becoming ghetto-oprah)
"you have a chip stuck WHERE?" (wildly gesturing with my hands at my ears that it is JUST too loud for me to hear clearly)
"never mind..." (he offers up a huge sigh with a definite eye roll...fucker)
"are you sure? i'm sorry i can't hear you, it's just so LOUD in here" (pure sweetness and light)
"there is a chipped hoof on my unicorn that wasn't there before, and i'm pretty sure I didn't drop it..." (he officially launches the Accusing Glare)
"oh wow, really? gee bummer, no...i don't remember dropping it, i'm sure i would remember if i dropped it...hmmm, wonder how that happened?" (it's not a lie, it's not a lie...i didn't drop it - it fell, there's a difference!)
i swear, my life with him has almost always been like that...i am quite competent until he comes around. then i'm just a clumsy moron with no rational explanation for anything i do around him. a bit later, as he was drying his third coat (HE handled the hairdryer this time, thank you very much...) i wandered over with another piece to dry and because i am a complete juvenile and it is physically impossible for me to shut my mouth at times (it's a defect i've suffered from since early childhood), this hissing exchange occurs quietly at the corner of the room:
"i didn't break your stupid unicorn..."
"i didn't say you did, i just asked if you dropped it - jeez, friggen lighten up and quit being such a bitch..."
"pffftttttt...what-EVER!" (with a sassy hair flip as i sashay off )
hmmm, a lot of our conversations are like that. this divorce thing remains a complete mystery...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)