waiting for my friend mr nyquil to kick my ass. sitting here thinking about disappointment and i've come to the conclusion, it blows balls. i despise disappointment; i despise causing it and i despise feeling it...and i've done too much of both.
what's the answer, though - quit depending on people? quit allowing them to depend up on me? who lives like that...bitter, resentful, lonely people is all i can think of.
it's not a huge stretch to expect honesty, to be expected to give honesty. i sat back and dug into my brain's ass 6 years ago and made two lists: one list of the things i absolutely would never live again without, and the other of the things i could never again live with. honesty and dishonesty were at the top of those lists, hands down...no hesitation. second on those lists were loyalty and disloyalty. third was probably something silly like bacon and bad breath; but i digress.
where i'm headed with this is that i am a pleaser and have found that the most effective way to please is to be a (an?) honest, loyal friend who tells it like it is, but in a way that isn't brutally painful. oftentimes easier said than done...my greatest strength? my empathy for others; my strongest weakness? my empathy for others. a double edged muther-fuckin sword, it is.
while i am who i am and have tried to accept that not everyone is like me - can i get a "THANK YOU OH MY GOD" for that - what i have trouble with is reconciling the fact that there are those that give and take and then there are those that just give OR take. i take a lot, actually - i give more, but i do have the take-shit part down, with the trophy in my sights...it's fairly new to me so i expect that my grades will improve with time.
i give - dale and i have a joke about "givers" that we know and unfortunately, it is almost always referring to a slut of sorts...as in "she is SUCH a giver", meaning head, ass, what have you. yea, anyway what was i saying? oh yea - i give. the people that i love have access to anything i am able to give to them, 24/7/364 (ha! actually chuckled at that)... i love it when i have what they need, really i do - it makes me happy. maybe it's the cementing of some of my worth to them. i dunno but probably, as being worthy seems to be something more valuable to me than gold (notice i did not say the b-a-c-o-n word). but that, my friends, is a whole 'nuva therapy session.
moving on - someone mentioned to me the possibility of not expecting anything from others and thus, not being disappointed in them. another person suggested i stop giving to certain people, that perhaps that would trigger something in the takers and make them change their evil ways. neither one is an option for me. i DO expect things from other people in my life. i DO expect honesty and loyalty and a shoulder should i need it, from them. further more, i cannot stop giving for a manipulative reason. don't get me wrong, i might-maybe be able to manipulate adolf-effing-hitler under the table if the mood strikes...but when it happens, i choose to do it unencumbered. yet another session ;)
so what is the answer? well hell...i guess it's to just keep on keepin' on. i'll keep giving and maybe when all is said and done, i'll march my ass up to the Pearly Gates, drier than a dead dingo's donger, and Saint Jim-Bob will say "dayum gurrrrrrrl, let's have some wine!" and off we'll go talkin' about all the asswipes we passed something off to along the way.
ok...wow. that made almost no sense at all. i surely do love you my nyquilly boy...loves.
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