i'm thinking that the month of may must have been a good one for me in my younger years. well, a horny and fertile month anyway. two more kids' birthdays this weekend, bennett turns 14 tomorrow and the girl turns 7 on sunday...holy crap, when did that happen?
as my kids get older, it seems to be getting easier to do the whole birthday thing. keeping in mind that i am lazy by nature, birthday celebrations have always been a huge pain in the ass for me. i used to go all out when the kids were younger (before you start engraving my name on that MOTY award, you should know that they didn't get their first real birthday parties until they were 4 - about the time i knew they'd remember if they didn't get one - oh yea, it's all about me), but now i am constantly looking for ways to pawn them off (the party, not the kids - although...) on someone else, or at the very least minimize my personal role in them...the girl is still very much into them, but the boys are very easily pacified with sleepovers and pizza. have i mentioned how much i truly love low-maintanence ANYthing?
today i picked up 4 smelly boys from school and brought them home, listened to them fart, burp, play on the 360 and laugh for a couple of hours, fed them pizza (delivered to my door, oh yea - LOVE suburbia!) then dropped them off at the movies armed with movie tickets and $30 for snacks (like this is gonna go far, right?) as well as explicit instructions that if they were to get thrown out of the theatre for any reason, tough luck, they sit out in the cold and wait - this ride rolls on at 9pm; no earlier, no later. have fun, behave - later doods, i've got CSI reruns to watch. (oh yea...that JUST happened). i picked them up a couple of hours later, brought them home, pointed them in the direction of the cake i had baked earlier (half eaten because, well brader, brynn and i wanted some and gee bennett, you weren't around to sing happy birthday to, so tough titty said the kitty- at least we saved you some), pulled out a few sleeping bags and tossed them in the office, told them to try and not wake the dead after midnight and bid them good night. done aaaaaaaaaaand done...next?
the girl is a bit more expensive, but still only minimally labor-intensive; mama's got it goin on...oh yea we're talkin a well-oiled machine baby. tomorrow i pick up the cupcake-cake at 10:15 (omg these are so cute and hey - no plates, no forks - bonus!), pick up a couple of the girls at 10:30, get to Color-Me-Mine by 11:00, they entertain 10 squealing girls (this includes braden) for two hours, i pass out cupcakes and juice boxes towards the end...VOILA! i'm done until september, OO-EEE, OO-EEE!
you can't see me dancing, but i am definintely doing it; uh-huh-uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh HUH! now, since my life rarely goes as planned, things could change between now and 1pm tomorrow afternoon - but i be thinking that by this time tomorrow night, i'll be relaxing with the Man and a bottle of wine in front of the fire knowing hey, life is good...and my babies be growing up just fine.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
is she really her mother's dot...?
oh yea, that's my girl -could you not just eat up all the goober-lisciousness?
...i didn't get these loaded in chronological order (as hard as i tried), but if you look through them you can see that we started out as lovely as all get-out...but true to her nature, she soon tired of the snapping of pictures. good Lord, what a ham-burger...
she was headed to the father/daughter dance at school friday night. in spite of her mother, she really gets into it - we're talkin' a really big deal here, she and i go about a week ahead of time to pick out a beautiful new dress with all the trimmings (really - could we have found a bigger bow?)(and yes, it is painfully clear that i am completely bow-retarded), we take the dress next door for a coordinating custom-made "For My Girl" hair bow, we do whatever it is we can do with that hair and then her dad picks her up (speechless as always at her luminous beauty) and takes her to a "fancy" dinner. they head out to the dance and it's out on the floor to bust some serious dance moves...we got a little Chicken Dance, some Hokey-Pokey and the ever-popular La Macarena goin on - oh yea, nothing like some kick-ass tunes to get down wit yo bad self...
ah, my baby...what a true beauty you are.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
happy birthday morgan lynne...
weird day...not bad, just feeling reflective i guess. today is my daughter's birthday...she would be (and this oughtta freak you out) 17 as of about 9:30 this morning. she is on my mind often, but mostly on the days of her birth and of her death.
the most bizarre part for me is that i always try to imagine what my life would be like if she were here with me now...i think everything would be drastically different. i firmly believe that i wouldn't have the kids i have now, and that alone kinda freaks me out. my life took a different path the day she died, what i didn't know then was that i was trading her life for those of bennett, braden and brynn. i was sacrificing her for the life i have today and i'm not sure how i feel about that...i try to live my life with no regrets (although, let's be honest...there are definitely things i should *seriously* regret, LOL!), but that's hard when you are dealing with the loss of a child.
she was born on february 15, 1990...she was a big girl for a first baby and i was a complete mess physically after i had her. i remember so clearly my very serious, very professional ob/gyn coming in a few hours after i had given birth. she came in and told me to roll over so she could check my stitches (oh yay...), she then proceeds to marvel at the size of the hemorrhoids i was sporting in the old nether regions. i can hear her voice still (she's asian, so please excuse my political incorrectness - you need to get the entire gist of the conversation) as she tells me, "oh my, my you half HUGE hemo-woid. you half TREE huge hemo-woid. no inta-cose fo yew fo long time. no, no, no inta-cose fo yew dea, dis is BIG hemo-woid, LAHGE HEMO-WOID, you unnuh-stan me???" (wonderful doctor - superb doctor, but i still giggle when i think about her all concerned for my ass's health, like i'm actually going out trolling for wanker after grinding a 9 pound eggplant outta my parts...uh, no worries there doc.) i had broken blood vessels in both eyes, i think my entire face had swollen to about 3 times the size it should have been and when i stood up it seriously felt like my whole massive cooder was going to fall right onto the floor where i stood - i was a mess, but i had my girl.
10 months and 7 days later, on december 22, 1990, on a saturday morning, she was gone. she developed bacterial menengitis, died within hours of being diagnosed and i was no longer a mother. just like that - i woke up that morning being her mom and went to bed that night no longer playing out that amazing role. of course, she is still my child - she will always be my child, she is my guardian angel. she watches out for me, she guides me and she shakes her head at what a dork i can be. she reminds me on occasion that all things have a purpose, even when it doesn't seem to be true. i feel her near when i'm questioning my ability to be a good parent, when i've had it and don't want to be their mom anymore, she tells me i'm doing ok and to hang in there. she speaks to me when i see teenage girls wearing practically nothing except a ton of makeup, out in places they probably shouldn't be with people they definitely shouldn't be and she tells me that brynn will be ok at that age. she tells me to look at her and how good she's turned out as a teenager (do i imagine she says this with a tad of her mother's sacrcastic, biting wit?).
she calms me. she helps me to understand that life goes on, even when you think it shouldn't; when you think it most definitely should stop, if only for a moment, in honor of something wonderful that is gone. she teaches me to be a better mother. she teaches me to enjoy even the shittiest of moments for what they are - something that has altered a life somehow, somewhere - for better or for worse; something that may never again be repeated, something that can disappear in a moment's notice. a part of life that needed to be lived, for whatever reason.
as horrible and devastating as it was to lose a child, i realize that it was necessary to become who i am at this moment. it was probably necessary for other people to have known her and experienced her life and death in order to become who they are today. for each of the times that i have questioned God's Plan (and if he even freakin HAD one), there were even more times that i saw clearly what it could be, what it should be, what it is...
on that note, i leave telling you that my niece brittnie gave birth to a baby boy today, in the same hospital and on the same day that i had my child 17 years ago...pretty stinkin cool huh?
the most bizarre part for me is that i always try to imagine what my life would be like if she were here with me now...i think everything would be drastically different. i firmly believe that i wouldn't have the kids i have now, and that alone kinda freaks me out. my life took a different path the day she died, what i didn't know then was that i was trading her life for those of bennett, braden and brynn. i was sacrificing her for the life i have today and i'm not sure how i feel about that...i try to live my life with no regrets (although, let's be honest...there are definitely things i should *seriously* regret, LOL!), but that's hard when you are dealing with the loss of a child.
she was born on february 15, 1990...she was a big girl for a first baby and i was a complete mess physically after i had her. i remember so clearly my very serious, very professional ob/gyn coming in a few hours after i had given birth. she came in and told me to roll over so she could check my stitches (oh yay...), she then proceeds to marvel at the size of the hemorrhoids i was sporting in the old nether regions. i can hear her voice still (she's asian, so please excuse my political incorrectness - you need to get the entire gist of the conversation) as she tells me, "oh my, my you half HUGE hemo-woid. you half TREE huge hemo-woid. no inta-cose fo yew fo long time. no, no, no inta-cose fo yew dea, dis is BIG hemo-woid, LAHGE HEMO-WOID, you unnuh-stan me???" (wonderful doctor - superb doctor, but i still giggle when i think about her all concerned for my ass's health, like i'm actually going out trolling for wanker after grinding a 9 pound eggplant outta my parts...uh, no worries there doc.) i had broken blood vessels in both eyes, i think my entire face had swollen to about 3 times the size it should have been and when i stood up it seriously felt like my whole massive cooder was going to fall right onto the floor where i stood - i was a mess, but i had my girl.
10 months and 7 days later, on december 22, 1990, on a saturday morning, she was gone. she developed bacterial menengitis, died within hours of being diagnosed and i was no longer a mother. just like that - i woke up that morning being her mom and went to bed that night no longer playing out that amazing role. of course, she is still my child - she will always be my child, she is my guardian angel. she watches out for me, she guides me and she shakes her head at what a dork i can be. she reminds me on occasion that all things have a purpose, even when it doesn't seem to be true. i feel her near when i'm questioning my ability to be a good parent, when i've had it and don't want to be their mom anymore, she tells me i'm doing ok and to hang in there. she speaks to me when i see teenage girls wearing practically nothing except a ton of makeup, out in places they probably shouldn't be with people they definitely shouldn't be and she tells me that brynn will be ok at that age. she tells me to look at her and how good she's turned out as a teenager (do i imagine she says this with a tad of her mother's sacrcastic, biting wit?).
she calms me. she helps me to understand that life goes on, even when you think it shouldn't; when you think it most definitely should stop, if only for a moment, in honor of something wonderful that is gone. she teaches me to be a better mother. she teaches me to enjoy even the shittiest of moments for what they are - something that has altered a life somehow, somewhere - for better or for worse; something that may never again be repeated, something that can disappear in a moment's notice. a part of life that needed to be lived, for whatever reason.
as horrible and devastating as it was to lose a child, i realize that it was necessary to become who i am at this moment. it was probably necessary for other people to have known her and experienced her life and death in order to become who they are today. for each of the times that i have questioned God's Plan (and if he even freakin HAD one), there were even more times that i saw clearly what it could be, what it should be, what it is...
on that note, i leave telling you that my niece brittnie gave birth to a baby boy today, in the same hospital and on the same day that i had my child 17 years ago...pretty stinkin cool huh?
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