lesson learned. again.

you know, i've heard the saying "no good deed goes unpunished" and yeppers, there is some truth to that particular adage. does this mean i will ever give up doing good things for those i care about - because some of them can't, don't or won't appreciate my gestures? not a chance.

i give what i have and i do it out of love. i don't do it for reciprocation and i don't do it for recognition...i do it because it is asked of me and i'm able.

will i allow myself to get screwed by the same person more than once?  probably so, dammit...but more than three times? not a fucking chance.  i'm kind, but i'm not stupid.

ok, i'm a little bit stupid.  about some things.  but not in general.

you know, treating people the way you want to be treated doesn't always pay off and i think the key here is to understand that going in and doing it, regardless.  we shouldn't do nice things in order to receive nice things. we should be kind because that is who we are and that is how we want to affect the world.  fuck all y'all that take and don't give back. you will not change me at my core.  you will make me wary and cautious, but you will not make me bitter and resentful.

ok, you might make me bitter and resentful towards YOU.  but not in life, not towards those that haven't earned it.

you, who fabricates this idyllic, wonderful life so everyone can think they know who you are.  you do fool a lot of the people, a lot of the time and that's cool. but you have also managed to fool yourself.  big mistake. you are a taker. a manipulator and a user.  you are a cheater, a liar and a fraud

and i don't like you anymore.

i treasure honesty and loyalty and trust.  i treasure those who give their word and keep it. i treasure those who tell me a necessary truth even if it's something i don't want to hear.  i treasure love and i treasure friendship.

i treasured who i thought you were. 

those are the people that i live for, love for and fight for.  those are my people and those are the ones that i choose to surround myself with.  all you other fuckstains - get out of my head, get out of my heart and get out of my life.

you don't get to be a part of my life any longer.  you are poison and you are gone.

peace out, bitches

her way.

i am walking on the beach in Morro Bay last week with three people that i love dearly...as i stand still and watch the ocean waves rolling in, one of them creates a circle in the sand around me with her foot, flashes her smile and tells me that i am not allowed to leave it.

i oblige her for awhile but then inform her that it is time to head back to the car...and home. she thinks for a moment and then appears to solve her dilemma by drawing a line in the sand leading from the circle back down the beach, towards the car - which is maybe a half-mile away, but probably less - and instructs me to follow it, and only it. both feet, no stepping off.

she walks backwards, dragging her heel in the sand, her foot line twisting and turning - this cannot be a straight line, no....and i MUST walk it and never veer from it.  with my arms held straight out to my sides (to help balance the unbalanced, of course) i speed up and try and rush her progress, maybe make her trip and fall, but she commands me to stop when i catch up to her and laughingly orders me to wait for her to get ahead of me again before continuing.  as i totter along, i watch in front of me - behind her - hoping to subtlety direct her towards someone she will run into while not looking.  cause, well...that would be hilarious, but she mysteriously manages to miss everything and everyone in her path, rarely taking a peek to see where she was headed.  she is just following along the surf line. sort of...and backwards.



she switches feet, because the right one is cramping up, but continues on, still swirling and veering, twisting and turning her line in the sand.  she tries using her toes because she is getting tired and we still have a long way to go.  i taunt her and tell her she'll never make it. but i dutifully follow my path.

i hear laughter behind me and i turn - being ever so careful not to fall off my mark - to see an old woman walking the line directly behind me, arms out like mine, with her husband at her side laughing.  she looks at me, giggles again and says, "so, where are we going?!?"

quite honestly, it was one of the most joyous moments of my life.

the old woman follows along with us for a few seconds more and then takes her old husband's hand and they wander off closer towards the sea, smiling, laughing, playful - loving their lives. they left the line in the sand that was meant for me and continued along their own path.

we make it to end of the beach eventually. when we reach the rocks that we had to climb over to get to the car, the girl picks up and drags a 12 foot piece of seaweed over them, ordering me to walk only on that.  i'd take 5 steps, step off of it and have to wait for her to re-position it so that i could continue on.

she never stopped, she never gave up.
she led me all the way back.
and i let her.  because it was important....to both of us
i followed her every step of the way. her way,
and it made us happy.

waves

today is filled with waves of blue heaviness.
i feel as if i've discarded a best friend.
whom i hope i can someday recover, but not until i'm well.
that kind of heavy.  that kind of blue.
it's like everything visible to me is a dull reminder of something gone.
that kind of loss.  that kind of sad.
as if something that i truly love, but wasn't able to nurture,
just distanced itself from me, or me from it
to help in it's search of a better home than i was able to provide.

probably, it was right to go...things usually are,
because shit happens as it's supposed to.  right on cue, right on time...
or so i'm told.
i want to sleep so i can escape these feelings,
yet stronger is the need to avoid that moment of awakening.
the one where you feel physically pulled away from a place where you are truly loved and truly happy,
and dropped into a place where, as you open your eyes,
you realize with a heavy heart that you are still you.
that you did this.
that nothing has changed.
and the feeling of loss slithers back in.

the Tao and my anxiety

today is anxious.
i can't quite pinpoint why...i'm not sleeping well, i'm not eating much, i have a constant headache, i'm restless and bored, yet don't want to get out of bed.  i have plans to be away next week and i'm wishing i hadn't made them...although being away is always helpful, i know the anxiety always returns as soon as i have to.

i'm about sick of this shit.  i want to be happy when i open my eyes in the morning, not think "fuck...still here, still me".  i want to be enthusiastic about ANYTHING on a daily basis.  about life in general, for cripes sake...and so,

i'm starting to read the Tao...which is really interesting for me because i have never put any stock in anything like it before.  a friend of mine is really into it and just talking to him has helped, but then he turned me onto a video that has really started to change my way of thinking about my life - but it's such a fucking struggle to maintain a straight thought or keep my attention on anything for very long...regardless, it keeps pulling me back - i thought it was totally worth the 2 hours to watch it.  in fact, i've watched it twice already and gleaned even more from it the second time through.  it's about how we set traps for ourselves - and those around us - and get so wrapped up in our surroundings and our accomplishments and our things, that we forget to actually live our lives. it's powerful and practically slapped me in the face when i first started to watch it.  i found myself tearing up - i KNOW! - and furiously scribbling down notes, stopping the video and backing it up so i could hear something again. it's got a powerful message if you are ready to listen, because if you don't listen, you can't hear...

Dr Wayne Dyer: Ambition to Meaning - The Shift

so anyway, Dr Dyer references the Tao Te Ching, the things he had to say made me want to check it out for myself. the Tao is made up of verses to study and apply to your own life, to your own story. it's very cool. it's pretty deep, but so relative and powerful. i needed to read someone else's interpretation, cause it was all too much for my brain, it so happens that Dr Dyer took a full year to study the Tao and gives his interpretation, along with ideas for ways you can practice it in your own life.

Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

 i can only take one verse at a time, but i study it and try to apply it to my day for a couple of days...it's interesting, and it really is starting to change the way i look at things. AND i just realized that my anxiety has quieted down considerably just writing about it.

baby steps...

this morning. THIS moment...

i was awakened this morning to the sound of someone singing coming through the open window. when i say singing, i mean she was belting it the fuck OUT of the park.  i could hear no music and it didn't matter.  in fact, it made it even more incredibly beautiful.  this girl sang with fucking abandon.  pure unadulterated don't-give-a-flying-shit-who-hears-me abandon. it was seriously one of the most be beautiful things i've ever heard.  i bounced (BOUNCED - and i don't bounce) out of bed and ran to the window to see who it was, but no one was there.  still smiling, i grabbed my soup-kitchen britches, otherwise known as my jams, and went downstairs to grab some coffee and greet the day.

i wandered out to the front of the house. i stepped out onto the porch and saw that the purple irises were in full bloom, providing a perfect backdrop for what had always been one of my favorite places to sit here. fuckin-A, this was a good morning.

as i sat in the swing with my face to the morning sun, coffee in hand, looking at the grove of what has always been my favorite flower, i began thinking about why i loved irises so much;  they reminded me of growing up.  my mind drifted back to the singing girl and i started to tear up thinking of how much i missed being a little kid.  how much i missed being that fucking free.  out of the corner of my eye, i noticed that i wasn't the only one enjoying what was starting out as a perfect day.

He inched his way out from underneath the safety of the tree, searching for something delicious.  I startle him as I notice him and he starts to return to the tree.  He then freezes. Trying to detect danger.  He stops mid-chew - dandelion blossom dangling from his mouth. Finally, realizing that there is no real need to stop his search for food, he returns to the weed patch that is the front lawn and resumes his snacking.  He eventually stretches out with his belly on the cool grass, chewing his cud.  wait, do bunnies make cud?  He seems almost relaxed.  As much a bunny can relax.

Can bunnies ever really just chill?

He eventually retreats to the shade and protection of the pine tree…he – to me, it just seems like he’s a he - stretches out like a dog with his legs behind him, his chin down on the bed of pine needles.  His ears are up and alert, but his eyes drift towards closing. A red-winged blackbird swooping in from above startles him to an upright position, but again sensing no real danger, he starts to clean himself, pulling his ears down one at a time - a light cleansing this morning, nothing too intense.  All of a sudden, he drops and rolls in the dirt.  Again, like a dog he shakes himself off and resumes his stretched out position. I am officially in love with this bunny.

God, Fate, the Cosmos whatever you believe in, put me here in this spot, on this day, at this time. Me and the bunny.  me, the bunny and the irises in full bloom.  And the singing girl. This morning, this time, right now. This moment is so fucking good.

in my head right now.

in a funk today.
it will pass, but for now this consumes me.
i am just nothing good today.

i am...
turning.
judged.
unsettled.
out of control.
useless.
sad.
frustrated.
dumb.
exhausted.
spinning.
worthless.
noisy.
lonely and
misunderstood.

...yet,

determined to figure it all out and set things right.
i can do this.
even if it is on my own.
even if it is only me who understands.
i can do this.
i have to do this, for i am running out of time.

(illegal) conversations while driving...

i was talking on the phone with a friend today who has been having some trouble with her teenagers.  (she says as if this is headline news in ANY dimension).  she was very upset at a pretty serious turn of events of late regarding her kids. very upset.  lots of guilt and embarrassment and feelings of failure. again, typical - i think - for the average mother of teenagers to experience. the little bastards suck the life right out of you.  there is a reason God made us love them so fucking much...but, i digress.

so, back to HER story...she was crying and i was trying to put a positive, if not bright, spin on the situation, asking a few questions and getting a few answers in return.  between us we had established that this new situation was probably, ultimately a pretty good thing to have happened.  timing, location...all of it - seemed really shitty on the surface, but when we broke it down we both realized that it was not as horrible as it had at first seemed.  still not an ideal situation, but far from as bad as it could have been in the grand scheme of things. in fact, parts of it were actually going to work out rather awesomely.

having made her giggle at something stupid - yet visually hysterical, i might add - we were wrapping up our conversation and i said to her "i am such a firm believer that things really do happen for a reason - we don't always get it, but that doesn't mean that we won't some day" and she says to me in her soft, tear-hitchy voice, "i've been praying for answers lately, anything to help me help my kids before it's too late."

this may not seem huge, or revelational (is that a word?) or anything out of the ordinary to you, but i experienced a DUH moment that instant...this situation we had been discussing - this PROBLEM - was the answer to those prayers she had just mentioned as an afterthought.  not how she had imagined they would be answered, to be sure...but damn, i pert-near heard the tabernacle choir belting out a hallelujah right then. i literally got goosebumps.

now, you may or may not believe in a higher power.  maybe you believe instead in the power of positive thinking or maybe you think that faith is simply misguided desperation.  whatever, for me this was powerful shit.  so powerful that i'm still thinking about it 7 and a half hours later and it fills me with this...this...hope.  it leads me to think that perhaps my life isn't just a badly written soap opera...that maybe there is a path for me and that i just have to pay better attention to where i am being guided.  maybe i need to allow myself to BE guided.  maybe i need to toss aside my preconceived notions of where i think i should be going and what i think i should be doing, and what i think the answers are, effectively ending the constant struggle i have within myself to direct everything towards my idea of the endgame.  what if i just continue to do what i know to be the right things, but allow other things - things i really have no clue about - to just...........happen?
whoa.
is that lame? is that giving up? bending over? CAPITULATION?
i don't know.
i will tell you that it gave me the first ray of hope that i have had in a long while.  i even experienced a split second of clarity.  so that must be a god thing, right?
that was a total typo.  i swear i typed "so that must be a good thing"

so anyway - there's this

and, on that note...i think it's time for mr nyquil to tuck me into bed   :)

pert near time to shit, or get.

lots to process these days.

big changes are looming, decisions to make, paths to take...it's time to at least pretend like i'm a grown-up for awhile.

*sigh*

divorce papers are signed - after 7 years.  hell, after 20 years - it was a long road, rewarding in so many ways.  no regrets.  we have now each retreated to our corners and are taking a breath.  we are still partners in parenting and we are - amazingly - friends.  seems we have always been headed in two different directions...and now we find that, finally, it works.

i have so many decisions to make and i find that all i want to do is run away.  from everything.  i can't breathe here, i need to breathe.  i'm circling - shit, i'm balls out spinning - around and around.  don't know where to stop, don't know where to start.  i have people depending upon me, depending upon the decisions i make.  i don't want to make any of them, i just want to fade out.  i have people counting on me to do the things that are right for them.  i've rarely ever done the right thing.  and now, it appears that it's really important. totally fucking sucks. (she says in her new grown-up, responsibility-laden voice).

it's changing me. i feel it, from the inside.  it's frightening because i have no idea what the result will be. truly...none.  for such a long time, i've just ambled along just doing my thing.  going where i'm supposed to go, doing what i'm supposed to do, then making the time to do what i wanted. what if i no longer know what i want?  what if i never really did?  i stop, step back and take a look at shawna and wonder what the fuck her life is even about now.

i dig me, i just confuse the shit outta me.  i make things so much harder than they need to be.  it's a great time in my life...i'm starting to feel the freedoms that come when your kids branch off and start to do their own things.  one kid is moved on to do his own grown-up thing.  i feel for him...i remember when i first became aware of real responsibility.  i remember wanting to run back home, dive behind my mom and say "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?".  i feel for him because he is in such a hurry to get moving in his life - we always are.  i get it, but i still feel pangs of sadness for what lies ahead of him. having to back away from mama-bear mode is very hard for me.  i know he has mistakes to make, i know he may fall.  i believe he is strong enough to get back up and straighten the shit out, but it still frightens me.  another kid seems to be growing emotionally right before my eyes.  it may be a temporary thing, but what i am seeing is helping to ease some of the stress.  thank God.  yet a third kid is beginning a whole new chapter in her life these days.  she too, is growing before my eyes - here it is more of a physical/mental thing.  she is growing but she is just now entering a whole new realm of reality for all of us:  a teen-aged daughter/sister/creature-with-snake-hair/whatever thing.  she will change each and every one of us, in one way or another.

i am at a crossroads.  a natural one, i get that, but no less frightening than any other has been for me.  i just don't do change well...looking back into the past on some of the biggest changes that have occurred in my life, i realize that i have rarely handled them well, emotionally.  i realize that after the dust settles, i tend to flail about for a good while longer.  trying to find *my* ground.  sometimes it takes awhile.   i will see to it that the things that need to be taken care of, are...but won't be surprised if i wander off in my head afterwards to sort it all out.

baby steps.  fuck this day-at-a-time crap.  i WANT to take it one bottle at a time, but even *I* know that isn't the way to handle things.  :)

how about we do this one hour at a time. i think i can do that.

all kindsa fucked up.

i was told last week that i was to not blog about what's been going on in my life.  it's private, shawna...keep it that way.  know what?  this is me...giving a shit about what you think.  i communicate, it's what i do...i realize that's a foreign concept to you.  oh, and you know what else?  ...fuck you.  just because you continue to hide everything away so no one will ever discover the truth about you, doesn't mean i have to.  not any longer. you aren't my real dad.  my real dad digs me.


<3 i love you, real dad <3

i am in turmoil.  like i haven't been in a really long time...things keep hitting me from all sides and i'm buckling.  seriously.  i truly am a weak person.  sure, i can be strong on the outside and around people i don't love. i will protect and shield those i do love, when they need it.  but, get me inside, surrounded by my heart and i am a complete mess.  i cry, i question everything i've ever done.  it blows balls.  i am all kindsa fucked up.

out of respect for those involved, i won't go into details, as much as i feel the desire to...i will say that i have hit a wall in one respect - i'm out of ideas. i've beat my head against this for about 3 years now over the same thing.  even when it appears to be, it's not better, just smoke and mirrors.
{hahahahaaaa, omg i just made a joke and you have no clue.  seriously, i think i'm finally going bat-shit crazy.  ok...back to the surface i go.}
the truth is, nothing has really changed in this situation...all of the talking and rationalizing and deal-making.  none of it seems to have made any difference...it's still going downhill.  or at the very least, plateaued at a not-so-great-actually-rather-shitty-when-you-really-look-at-it level.  i went to my final at-bat with regards to this last week and i'm pretty sure i have still failed.  time will tell, but it's not looking good.  does there comes a point in certain relationships where it's better if we say "fuck it, i really truly gave it my all and i don't know what else to do" and let the chips fall where they fall?  is there really is a point in which you can do no more to help someone see a positive path?  this will come back to bite me in the ass, i have no doubt.  somehow, it will fall back on me - but i really truly have no other aces up my sleeve right now.  it's quite possibly time to let what will be, be.

on another front, i have been fucked over by my personal sense of trust and judgement.  it is really messing with my head.  someone i trusted with all of me turned out to be nothing but a manipulative piece of judgmental, psychotic shit.  don't really want to talk about that.  it is very nerve-wracking.  but, i find myself questioning every thing and worse, every ONE right now. good on you, you piece of shit...you have infiltrated the inner sanctum.  you have fun with that...you fucked up mother-fucker.

lastly - i don't mean to be cryptic, but stick with me here, i do have to protect the "innocent" - someone close to me is echoing someone else who used to be close to me.  in a very painful way and, therefore...it really fucking hurts. bad.  like a knife directly into my gut and then twisted over and over again, bad.  back to the questioning everything.  this has me rethinking everything i've spent the last 25 years doing.  everything.  think about it.   go back 25 years and question the direction you set off in back then.  maybe you shouldn't have taken that particular path, eh?  maybe, just maybe, you should have done something COMPLETELY different.   like, oh...i dunno...become an astronaut, a hobo, a fucking nun*, for that matter...ANYthing other than what you chose.  you were clearly not cut out for this shit. in fact, you are definitely sucking at it.  you are sucking at your chosen way of being a contributing member of life right now.


(*hahahhaaaaa...i said "a fucking nun").


these things have me seriously wondering if i may really, honestly be a certifiable head-case. (all together now..."nooooo, really?")  it would maybe not explain everything, but would at least give a reasonable platform for all that is fucked up.  normally, i would think that possibility was totally cool and bask in it, but i still have to be a responsible person for some people in my life.  ball-blowing, i say.

it's a shitty place to be and i'm really trying to find happy-shawna - she is still in there, just squashed a bit by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.  usually this passes, but i've never actually been up against what i am facing now.  i'm a little bit scared, and that just doesn't happen that often. i'm not sure what to do with it.

hold on loosely, bisshes....don't let go.

should be sleepin'...

waiting for my friend mr nyquil to kick my ass.  sitting here thinking about disappointment and i've come to the conclusion, it blows balls.  i despise disappointment; i despise causing it and i despise feeling it...and i've done too much of both.

what's the answer, though - quit depending on people? quit allowing them to depend up on me?  who lives like that...bitter, resentful, lonely people is all i can think of.

it's not a huge stretch to expect honesty, to be expected to give honesty.  i sat back and dug into my brain's ass 6 years ago and made two lists:  one list of the things i absolutely would never live again without, and the other of the things i could never again live with.  honesty and dishonesty were at the top of those lists, hands down...no hesitation.  second on those lists were loyalty and disloyalty. third was probably something silly like bacon and bad breath; but i digress.

where i'm headed with this is that i am a pleaser and have found that the most effective way to please is to be a (an?) honest, loyal friend who tells it like it is, but in a way that isn't brutally painful.  oftentimes easier said than done...my greatest strength?  my empathy for others; my strongest weakness?  my empathy for others.  a double edged muther-fuckin sword, it is.

while i am who i am and have tried to accept that not everyone is like me - can i get a "THANK YOU OH MY GOD" for that - what i have trouble with is reconciling the fact that there are those that give and take and then there are those that just give OR take.  i take a lot, actually - i give more, but i do have the take-shit part down, with the trophy in my sights...it's fairly new to me so i expect that my grades will improve with time.

i give - dale and i have a joke about "givers" that we know and unfortunately, it is almost always referring to a slut of sorts...as in "she is SUCH a giver", meaning head, ass, what have you.  yea, anyway what was i saying?  oh yea - i give.  the people that i love have access to anything i am able to give to them, 24/7/364 (ha! actually chuckled at that)... i love it when i have what they need, really i do - it makes me happy.  maybe it's the cementing of some of my worth to them.  i dunno but probably, as being worthy seems to be something more valuable to me than gold (notice i did not say the b-a-c-o-n word).  but that, my friends, is a whole 'nuva therapy session.

moving on - someone mentioned to me the possibility of not expecting anything from others and thus, not being disappointed in them.  another person suggested i stop giving to certain people, that perhaps that would trigger something in the takers and make them change their evil ways.  neither one is an option for me.  i DO expect things from other people in my life.  i DO expect honesty and loyalty and a shoulder should i need it, from them.  further more, i cannot stop giving for a manipulative reason.  don't get me wrong,  i might-maybe be able to manipulate adolf-effing-hitler under the table if the mood strikes...but when it happens, i choose to do it unencumbered.  yet another session ;)

so what is the answer?  well hell...i guess it's to just keep on keepin' on.  i'll keep giving and maybe when all is said and done, i'll march my ass up to the Pearly Gates, drier than a dead dingo's donger, and Saint Jim-Bob will say "dayum gurrrrrrrl, let's have some wine!" and off we'll go talkin' about all the asswipes we passed something off to along the way.

ok...wow.  that made almost no sense at all.  i surely do love you my nyquilly boy...loves.

ugh.

the unsettled, undefined feeling of needing a deep breath.  deeper.  not working.  i *hate* this.  no explanation really, probably a combination of things.  loved ones missed.  the monotony of what is the day ahead of me.  unresolved frustrations.  the fact that i battle with clinical depression depresses me.  just no joy today.  it happens.

do i welcome it and wallow, hoping it gets bored with me and finally leaves me in peace?  do i curl up with a book and hope to eventually sleep it off?  do i busy myself with shit i absolutely do not want to do in the hopes of shaking it off?  i never know how to deal with it.  just pray for it to subside without leaving scars.

i know what i can't do.  i can't make any type of consequential decision.  i tend to react to the panic by covering it in some form of immediate gratification - which often brings about the aforementioned scarring;  emotional fall-out, not physical,  i'm a head-case, not a complete freak.  not much else to say.

i know what i should do.  i should concentrate on the good things in my life - things like the fact that i'm not seriously ill.  that my children aren't seriously ill.  that the little shit subsides, eventually.  that i have a home and the love of some truly wonderful people.  why, on these days, isn't that enough to lift my spirits back to where they usually reside?

jeebus, this music isn't helping - fucking Bread - there's a start in shit-canning that crap.

there once was this guy...

that i didn't know. something happened to him and suddenly he was gone. just...gone. i see the reaction of people that did know him and i am touched. so deeply. i hope he had a sense of how treasured he was while he was here. i do doubt it, though...

we all want to believe that we have made a difference in at least ONE other person's life, don't we? i mean yes, mom's know that they have spawned other little human beings - some definitely questionable on exactly what percentage of them are really human, but i digress. so, in the area of reproduction some of us have made a difference, but what i mean is within other people's hearts and souls. people we may have never met, people we may have met but not recognized that we have connected in some way. people we have known but not understood. people that we assume we have made no difference in them whatsoever.

do you ever wonder what people will say/think/believe about you if you were suddenly just...gone? it freaks me out, lol...don't you imagine that your friends would certainly miss something - if only the droning of your voice as you ramble on and on and on about things that no one in their right mind, or otherwise, could possibly find interesting? would they miss something as cool as listening to you describe your dog dragging his ass on the concrete patio as you stand there and try to have a serious conversation with your stripper/bug guy? would they miss listening to you actually cry about stupid things? something as stupid as, oh i don't know...the fact that you went to the freezer jonsing for some strawberry toaster strudels only to find that your little savage bastard hoover-vacuum children have eaten all of them once again, left the empty box in the freezer and you HAVE. JUST. HAD. IT with their little mooching ruinous asses? would they miss hearing you laugh about even stupider things? something like the fact that you actually managed to make yourself look even lower than the white trash that you are by getting busted "stealing" a broken toilet seat from a pile of discarded stuff that sits in the street waiting for the trash man because you think you can use part of it for a nifty redneck planter? what about missing you bitch about really intelligent things? things like OMGGGGG how pissed off you get when you gesture to your significant other to grab a line at costco that is suddenly shorter than the one you are standing in, and the person behind you hears you and darts to the short line before your guy even begins to process that you are asking him to do something? holy SHIT that makes my balls boil...but wait, this isn't about me, lol.

my point is i am sitting here wondering if everyone who has touched my life knows that they have and to what extent? i'm talking about the ones that have touched it in a positive way - believe you me...those other bastards definitely know they have fucked up. you can't let that shit slide. again, digression. sorry. stop and think about it...do you know? (where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you, do you know?) do your people know it from you? maybe you should tell them, show them, make sure they do know...but be careful, people tend to get freaked out if you just pop into their life and say "hey, you know i dig you right? no matter what? ok cool, just checking" and dart off again. maybe ease into it a with a little more subtlety. something a little more personal, like, "hey remember that rash you were complaining about that just showed up that one time we got shitfaced and woke up naked on the homeless docks? good times - everything clear up ok? cool, keep on keepin' on and know i dig you baby". see class really does make all the difference.

serially - know that i dig you baby

washington irving was one cool dude.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

omg i'm so pms'ing right now

i must be.

for different reasons that i won't go into right now ("jeebus", you say, "you mean there are actually some things she doesn't tell the world?") i have been sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks for 20 minutes thinking of how fucking blessed i am to have some of the most amazing people in the world care for me.  there is such a range of people that i love with absolutely all of my heart.  they come from all over, some i have personally hugged 'til they couldn't breathe and some i have only dreamed of hugging that hard.  i wish i could find the words to describe how completely full my heart is right now.  i canna esplain...i can only let it spill over and flood me with warmth and happiness and love. omg, i just fucking love you guys...

ok, ok crap and jeesbus-rice, aunt flo - show up already, this nancy shit is for chicks.

a little todo about not much.

been working on a couple of projects for a friend and i'm running out the clock - but that's what i do.  better under pressure i suppose. one more week to get them sent out.  gogogogogoooo shawna!

hallowanker is ALMOST over, thank you GOD.  i despise halloween, don't know why...just one of my least favorite holidays. sorry spange-cake.  and NO, i did not buy any candy for the little bastards.

weather has turned absolutely beautiful - low 70's during the day, clear skies, good (ok, relatively speaking) air out there.  always lots to be done outside and this is the time of year to get it done.  maybe tomorrow.

the Thanksgiving holiday is shaping up - my family members are complete nerdburgers and probably we won't see them until Christmas.  dale's family will be here though.  yay i get to cook Thanksgiving dinner for a chef.   yes, i am petrified.

chew on this...

life sometimes throws you curves, you know...big monstrous bitch balls of curves.  curves when you are sure the path you are on should be pretty much a straight shot.  i suppose there is wisdom in navigating them, seeing what they have to offer and using that information to enrich someone else's life and/or experiences through your own.  the key is in the enrichment...the detriment is in seeing them in a purely selfish light. like, maybe this fucking path is just too long,  i'm feeling the need for a shortcut - screw the curve - i'm cutting across.  not always so easy to know which curves should be taken and enjoyed and which should be cut out completely.

i love...

my friends.

old and new, young and old, buoys and gulls. if you are here and we are old friends - thank you loving me in spite of myself; if you are here as a new friend - thank you for taking the time to get to know me, i hope to get to know the real you; if you are here and i haven't met you yet - don't keep me waiting...catch up and let's get going!

you make me happy and keep me smiling even those times that i just don't feel like it. you fill me with a warmth that makes me feel giddy inside. you make me laugh, sometimes you make me cry - but it's only out of love. i love the conversations, long and short, spoken or written, deep or silly. i love the things whispered in confidence or shouted to the rooftops. i love the unspoken things that pass between us. i love that i can count on you whether i'm happy or bitchy. i love that you know that you are special to me. i love that you trust and love me back.

you see who i really am.
you love me anyway.
you are forever.

sign on and say hey...anytime.

waiting it out...?

feeling blah, no energy.

feeling unmotivated - even things that normally motivate me.

second-guessing things i know to be right.

optimistic girl feeling incredibly pessimistic.

tired of parenting, not really liking my offspring.

don't like things that i know i do like.

so much more annoyed than usual.

much shorter fuse than usual.

harder to pick my battles - little things getting under my skin.

lack of desire to be social.

physically tired...just want to nap.

just not me.

word for the day: necessary

i've been stewing about this cleaning of the bedroom thing for two days now and have come to the conclusion that there really is nothing i can do to *make* him clean his room. he's too big to drag around by the hand and force him to pick things up. my choices are to clean it up on my own - this might actually prompt him to take a full can of garbage and pepper his room with it...he's that stubborn; let him live in his filth - which, granted, isn't horrible...i *can* see the floor, there isn't food growing in there and he's right about the fact that a clean room isn't "necessary" to a productive life; or i can attempt to show him the error of his newly acquired, let's call them "logically free-thinking" ways.

let's take the first option...if i clean his room it causes two problems: one, *I* have to clean his room - ew. two, honestly i would only be doing it to piss him off - he despises his room when it's clean...he says it's depressing. safe to say this isn't the best option. next...

second option: what message does letting him blatantly defy me send to the other two sweet wonderful accommodating children that do clean their rooms when i ask? is it just a matter of time before they put their humongous feet down and refuse to clean their rooms in an act of sibling solidarity? this option does not sit well with me as the MOTY that needs to keep her children respecting her authority in order to not go completely insane, resulting in the packing of my shit and leaving them all with their dad.

option three: he says i'm being spiteful, he says i'm ignoring the respect he has and does show me and painting him unfairly as a derisive little punk. i will admit, the term passive-agressive *has* entered my mind the last two days as i contemplate all of the things i do for him that are truly "unnecessary", but i think i'm gonna run with this option...

i think it will show him that he can't have it both ways - that if one path is chosen, another is foresaken. sacrifices must be made, repercussions will follow the liberating act of overriding authority with "logic"...he needs to be ready to embrace everything that his decision entails and that it's NOT spiteful, it's NOT passive-agressive, it's NOT disregarding his goodness...

it's NOT personal, it's life.
right? RIGHT?!?
f me if shit and two isn't eight.

at what point

does my responsibility to my kids as far as carting their little asses around town at their slightest whim become something i'm allowed to say no to without feeling guilty and/or having to explain myself?

first off - i'm pretty fucking accommodating to all of my kids. their school's are maybe a 1/2 mile away, yet i drive them every morning and pick them up pretty much every afternoon. to be perfectly honest, mostly it's from the fact that i stay at home and consider it to be part of my job.

one child has been visiting with friends after school and on weekends, going to their houses or having them come over here. since most of them live too far to walk, i generally drive him or pick him up - sometimes both and sometimes neither one. sometimes it's not a big deal, sometimes it's a real pain in the ass (think friday - or OK, tuesday - night when all i really want to do is have a bottle of wine and chill). sometimes i bitch about it but mostly i don't, i want my kids to have social lives and would rather drive them myself than not know who the hell they are with.

anyway - i've been trying to explain to them all that even if it appears that i have nothing better to do than cater to them, sometimes it's not going to happen - whether i have a legitimate reason or not. sometimes i just don't feel like it and sometimes i feel like they just expect it and that annoys me, even though that is mostly my fault.

this child asks me last night to go visit a friend today after school and i say ok, but he has to scoop dog poop in the morning before he goes to school. he makes some stupid face and complains about what a crappy way it is to start the day (hahahaa, my sense of humor is deep within in him even if he hates to admit it) and nevermind, he would rather just come home after school. so this is where i blow it. i tell him that, ok...i'll drive him over there if he wants to come home first, scoop, and then go. stupid, way-too-accommodating move on my part, i realize, but it's what i did. so, this morning he gets up and scoops the poop before school. whoa. what? ok, cool. i thank him for compromising and saving me a trip and tell him i'll pick him up from her house around 6 tonight. he calls me after school today and asks me if i'll take him to her house because she got a ride home with some guy he hates and her house is too far for him to walk to. i tell him no that he can just come home because i don't feel like driving him there and then going back to get him a couple of hours later...pure lazyness, i can admit this. besides, if she invited him over, she should have told him that they would be riding with the Dick - she knows they don't like each other, but that's besides the point.

so he whines a bit but starts walking home. he calls me 5 minutes later as it has just occured to him that i was willing to take him over there when he still had his chores to do and he wants an explanation. well.

do i get pissed because i've contradicted myself without a real reason? do i get pissed because i'm being lazy and he's making me feel guilty? or am i just pissed because the little 15 year old fucker is challenging me and making me explain myself? probably it's all 3. we get into a verbal tussel and it just makes me madder. why the hell do i have to spend 20 minutes arguing about why i won't drive his ass to his friends house when i said i would the day before? maybe i don't have a good reason, ok? maybe the circumstances changed and now i'm annoyed that he still wants me to chauffeur him around. my question is do i really need to have a "good reason"? i generally try to explain myself to them because i don't want to be the parent that says "because i said so", but shit...after 20 minutes of his cross-examination that was about all i could say. well, that or "shut the puck up and leave me alone".


i get so frustrated with how little my kids appreciate how fortunate they are. like i said, i know that their expectations are set mostly by me and my examples - the solution to that can only start with me. my problem is in knowing how to explain to them that sometimes i really don't mind and other times it really puts me out and the difference isn't always predictable. i just want them to accept it when i say no and move on.

omg - i'm so missing my little sweet, fat, controllable children these days.