he did what...?

i have a question of addiction...how does someone who has over indulged in alcohol- and i mean hard-fucking-core imbibing - for over 50 years just...stop?

it's a question that i've been asking myself for a few days now after i found out that someone close to me, who, as much as i am loathe and ashamed to admit,  i personally had accepted would be found dead in a gutter somewhere pretty much any day now, stopped drinking 5 months ago.  just made a decision that he wasn't going to drink anymore and put it the fuck DOWN. no rehab, no weaning, no sponsorship, no 12 step program, nothing. just stopped drinking.  and if that wasn't a big enough chunk to gnaw off, he stopped smoking as well.  cigarettes, not weed...he's not completely crazy.

i know people who have quit smoking and i know people who have quit drinking.  among them are those who just stopped one day, as well as those who struggled and backslid for YEARS before they were successful.  i know people who are sure they will die if they even attempt to quit smoking. i know people that would rather die than quit drinking. i have been exposed to addiction my entire life.  i live in fear of it's grip, not over me as much as over my children.  i firmly believe that the weakness for alcoholism, most likely to addiction in general, is a genetic predisposition. it is too prevalent in my family tree for me to ignore.

so...the question remains - how is it possible?  could he have not been addicted at all...?  over the years, alcohol has cost him jobs, relationships, homes, and other things - all just too numerous to count...is it possible that he just forrest gumped?  did he simply decide one day - after 50 years, 2 months, 14 days and 16 hours - that he was just "pretty tired"?

someday, i will ask him...for now i am still processing.  and happy for him.  really really happy for him.

the Tao and my anxiety

today is anxious.
i can't quite pinpoint why...i'm not sleeping well, i'm not eating much, i have a constant headache, i'm restless and bored, yet don't want to get out of bed.  i have plans to be away next week and i'm wishing i hadn't made them...although being away is always helpful, i know the anxiety always returns as soon as i have to.

i'm about sick of this shit.  i want to be happy when i open my eyes in the morning, not think "fuck...still here, still me".  i want to be enthusiastic about ANYTHING on a daily basis.  about life in general, for cripes sake...and so,

i'm starting to read the Tao...which is really interesting for me because i have never put any stock in anything like it before.  a friend of mine is really into it and just talking to him has helped, but then he turned me onto a video that has really started to change my way of thinking about my life - but it's such a fucking struggle to maintain a straight thought or keep my attention on anything for very long...regardless, it keeps pulling me back - i thought it was totally worth the 2 hours to watch it.  in fact, i've watched it twice already and gleaned even more from it the second time through.  it's about how we set traps for ourselves - and those around us - and get so wrapped up in our surroundings and our accomplishments and our things, that we forget to actually live our lives. it's powerful and practically slapped me in the face when i first started to watch it.  i found myself tearing up - i KNOW! - and furiously scribbling down notes, stopping the video and backing it up so i could hear something again. it's got a powerful message if you are ready to listen, because if you don't listen, you can't hear...

Dr Wayne Dyer: Ambition to Meaning - The Shift

so anyway, Dr Dyer references the Tao Te Ching, the things he had to say made me want to check it out for myself. the Tao is made up of verses to study and apply to your own life, to your own story. it's very cool. it's pretty deep, but so relative and powerful. i needed to read someone else's interpretation, cause it was all too much for my brain, it so happens that Dr Dyer took a full year to study the Tao and gives his interpretation, along with ideas for ways you can practice it in your own life.

Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

 i can only take one verse at a time, but i study it and try to apply it to my day for a couple of days...it's interesting, and it really is starting to change the way i look at things. AND i just realized that my anxiety has quieted down considerably just writing about it.

baby steps...

this morning. THIS moment...

i was awakened this morning to the sound of someone singing coming through the open window. when i say singing, i mean she was belting it the fuck OUT of the park.  i could hear no music and it didn't matter.  in fact, it made it even more incredibly beautiful.  this girl sang with fucking abandon.  pure unadulterated don't-give-a-flying-shit-who-hears-me abandon. it was seriously one of the most be beautiful things i've ever heard.  i bounced (BOUNCED - and i don't bounce) out of bed and ran to the window to see who it was, but no one was there.  still smiling, i grabbed my soup-kitchen britches, otherwise known as my jams, and went downstairs to grab some coffee and greet the day.

i wandered out to the front of the house. i stepped out onto the porch and saw that the purple irises were in full bloom, providing a perfect backdrop for what had always been one of my favorite places to sit here. fuckin-A, this was a good morning.

as i sat in the swing with my face to the morning sun, coffee in hand, looking at the grove of what has always been my favorite flower, i began thinking about why i loved irises so much;  they reminded me of growing up.  my mind drifted back to the singing girl and i started to tear up thinking of how much i missed being a little kid.  how much i missed being that fucking free.  out of the corner of my eye, i noticed that i wasn't the only one enjoying what was starting out as a perfect day.

He inched his way out from underneath the safety of the tree, searching for something delicious.  I startle him as I notice him and he starts to return to the tree.  He then freezes. Trying to detect danger.  He stops mid-chew - dandelion blossom dangling from his mouth. Finally, realizing that there is no real need to stop his search for food, he returns to the weed patch that is the front lawn and resumes his snacking.  He eventually stretches out with his belly on the cool grass, chewing his cud.  wait, do bunnies make cud?  He seems almost relaxed.  As much a bunny can relax.

Can bunnies ever really just chill?

He eventually retreats to the shade and protection of the pine tree…he – to me, it just seems like he’s a he - stretches out like a dog with his legs behind him, his chin down on the bed of pine needles.  His ears are up and alert, but his eyes drift towards closing. A red-winged blackbird swooping in from above startles him to an upright position, but again sensing no real danger, he starts to clean himself, pulling his ears down one at a time - a light cleansing this morning, nothing too intense.  All of a sudden, he drops and rolls in the dirt.  Again, like a dog he shakes himself off and resumes his stretched out position. I am officially in love with this bunny.

God, Fate, the Cosmos whatever you believe in, put me here in this spot, on this day, at this time. Me and the bunny.  me, the bunny and the irises in full bloom.  And the singing girl. This morning, this time, right now. This moment is so fucking good.