Shawna the Unicorn Destroyer

i'm not sure what happened these past few days...i'm thinking that The Birthday Weekend took more of a toll than i thought it would. all the birthday stuff went pretty smoothly, that is until i was offhandedly accused of chipping a large child's (curiously he's the exact size of ms b's DAD) ceramic unicorn...

brynn's party was at a place called Color-Me-Mine. it's this very cool studio where you pick out a ceramic piece of whatever and you paint it. they label it and fire it and you pick it up a week or so later...very cool, very fun, very messy. the "kids" are to put on three coats of paint and dry with a hairdryer in between coats - i took on the drying role because i'm cool that way and besides, it got me away from all the little crumbsnatchers crying because they got blue paint on the toes they wanted brown...they of course wanted the grown-up in the group (see, this should have been my sign right here) to clean off the misguided paint (for the 3rd time) so they could make it the color they really wanted it to be. [i tried handling this role in the beginning, but when i started experiencing a very strong desire to smash the multi-colored (does a little bit of blue really affect your every-color-under-the-rainbow-EXCEPT-blue turtle???) pieces against the wall, i decided it was probably best to hand it over to the professionals that are properly trained for that kind of stuff...]

ok...so my role as the hairdryer-wielding cool mom was going quite smoothly over in my little corner. i'm happy as an overheated clam (take one small room with 10 little kids and three adults, add one continuously running hairdryer on high and a pre-menopausal, anti-depressant drugged female...let's just say it tends to get really damp), minding my business, doing my job, when Disneyland Dad (the previously alluded to large child painting a unicorn) brings me his magnificent mythical pet to dry. i can handle this, i'm a big, independent girl now, he doesn't affect me anymore, he doesn't stress me out when he's within 15 feet of me, the sound of his voice doesn't make my hands suddenly quit working and drop everything with no reason, i'm a good dryer, i'm a pro, i've been doing this crap for oh, about an hour now...bring it on.

well fuck me running if the thing didn't fall over - OVER! - as soon as i put the hairdryer to it. it fell quietly, but it still fell...eek! i risked a quick look around to see if anyone noticed, nope - it's all good i'm clear. i nonchalantly checked the precious beast for smeared paint, nope - all good still. whew. i continued on drying it and then ever-so-gently returned it to it's master. i wandered a bit checking on the little monsters' progress happening around the room. every once in awhile, i would allow myself to imagine the horrible things that could have happened to that unicorn (and then stifle the giggles that threatened to expose me)...i allowed myself the image of it crashing to the ground shattering into a million pieces..."oops! i'm so sorry..." (heh heh heh). all the while silently gesturing the sign of the cross in my head (nope not even catholic).

and then it happened.

"uhm, shawna?"

"hmmm...?" (ugh, what could he possibly want from me?)
"did you drop my unicorn?" (his head is down, he's still painting...)
"what...i can't hear you" (CRAAAAP!)

"did you drop my unicorn when you were drying it?" (raised eyebrow...just wondering is all)

"WHAT...? DID I WHAT...???" (i yell back because whew, it sure is loud in here)

"my unicorn has a chipped hoof. i'm quite sure it wasn't chipped before..." (two raised brows and a head bob, he's rapidly becoming ghetto-oprah)

"you have a chip stuck WHERE?" (wildly gesturing with my hands at my ears that it is JUST too loud for me to hear clearly)

"never mind..." (he offers up a huge sigh with a definite eye roll...fucker)
"are you sure? i'm sorry i can't hear you, it's just so LOUD in here" (pure sweetness and light)
"there is a chipped hoof on my unicorn that wasn't there before, and i'm pretty sure I didn't drop it..." (he officially launches the Accusing Glare)
"oh wow, really? gee bummer, no...i don't remember dropping it, i'm sure i would remember if i dropped it...hmmm, wonder how that happened?" (it's not a lie, it's not a lie...i didn't drop it - it fell, there's a difference!)
i swear, my life with him has almost always been like that...i am quite competent until he comes around. then i'm just a clumsy moron with no rational explanation for anything i do around him. a bit later, as he was drying his third coat (HE handled the hairdryer this time, thank you very much...) i wandered over with another piece to dry and because i am a complete juvenile and it is physically impossible for me to shut my mouth at times (it's a defect i've suffered from since early childhood), this hissing exchange occurs quietly at the corner of the room:

"i didn't break your stupid unicorn..."

"i didn't say you did, i just asked if you dropped it - jeez, friggen lighten up and quit being such a bitch..."

"pffftttttt...what-EVER!" (with a sassy hair flip as i sashay off )

hmmm, a lot of our conversations are like that. this divorce thing remains a complete mystery...