ugh.

the unsettled, undefined feeling of needing a deep breath.  deeper.  not working.  i *hate* this.  no explanation really, probably a combination of things.  loved ones missed.  the monotony of what is the day ahead of me.  unresolved frustrations.  the fact that i battle with clinical depression depresses me.  just no joy today.  it happens.

do i welcome it and wallow, hoping it gets bored with me and finally leaves me in peace?  do i curl up with a book and hope to eventually sleep it off?  do i busy myself with shit i absolutely do not want to do in the hopes of shaking it off?  i never know how to deal with it.  just pray for it to subside without leaving scars.

i know what i can't do.  i can't make any type of consequential decision.  i tend to react to the panic by covering it in some form of immediate gratification - which often brings about the aforementioned scarring;  emotional fall-out, not physical,  i'm a head-case, not a complete freak.  not much else to say.

i know what i should do.  i should concentrate on the good things in my life - things like the fact that i'm not seriously ill.  that my children aren't seriously ill.  that the little shit subsides, eventually.  that i have a home and the love of some truly wonderful people.  why, on these days, isn't that enough to lift my spirits back to where they usually reside?

jeebus, this music isn't helping - fucking Bread - there's a start in shit-canning that crap.