over the river and through the woods: the 4th act

sunday night we left braden to destroy---er, i mean, spend the night at---leaf's house and headed over to my gram's for a bit of a visit and to pick up that coffee table i was so totally taking from her. i called ahead to see if she needed anything or wanted something to eat - she asked for matches. [whoa, wait...matches? has my little bent-over grandmother, having lived in humboldt county for all of about two months, already developed a hankering for puffin' the fatty?] ok, matches it is...but only because we have to stop anyway for some electrical tape to fix the pesky side-view mirror that i ripped off a couple of years ago backing out of the garage, that was now banging annoyingly against my door, because the super-glue i used to hold it in place had balked at the torrential downpours of humboldt county, . i convince the runts that we should wait for food until we have finished our visit with gram (never know, might catch a contact high and the food will taste even better.).

she is waiting for us in the great room, cozied up to the fire on a couch with the local Sub-Standard paper, chatting with some ladies that were wrapping up a cutthroat game of follow-the-bitch. of course, she had to introduce us to them and she couldn't remember bennett's name (the funny part is that when i told him we were going to visit her, he said, "mom, i bet she doesn't even know who i am anymore". the other funny thing is that he has the exact same name as her dearly departed husband of some 60+ years.) i pointed and laughed at him behind her back and then she went scooting off to introduce us to an elderly hispanic man (oh yea, my grams digs the dark guys) who was sitting approximately 4 inches from a giant tv that had been muted. not sure if he was a lip-reader that couldn't see very well or if he just assumed that his hearing had taken a turn for the worse...regardless he was intently watching a show about the family structure of the meerkat - which just happened to include mating habits and conception, eek.

the old guy, upon being introduced, pulls me aside to inform me that my gram is constantly flirting with him and that he has to keep an eye on her. omg, this is SO my gram - she got tossed from her previous retirement "village" for perpetuating a sordid rumor involving the 50-something groundskeeper and the (way, as in 80+) older chick across the hall. something about him moving in with this other lady, while pining away for my gram in silence. i know it doesn't make much sense, but this is the same gram that gasps and asks me about blowjobs - "they really want you to do THAT with your mouth?" - i can't explain her...i just have to love her. so anyway, i told him to watch his back or my gram would probably try to grab it and then we went upstairs to visit for a bit.

she started to talk about the "incident" at her old place and i managed to steer the conversation elsewhere despite the fact that my girl wanted all the gory details. ugh. we stayed for about an hour and then she blatantly hit on my man saying she was "very pleased to meet you and i hope i get to see alot more of you". she's such a horndog.