happy birthday morgan lynne...

weird day...not bad, just feeling reflective i guess. today is my daughter's birthday...she would be (and this oughtta freak you out) 17 as of about 9:30 this morning. she is on my mind often, but mostly on the days of her birth and of her death.

the most bizarre part for me is that i always try to imagine what my life would be like if she were here with me now...i think everything would be drastically different. i firmly believe that i wouldn't have the kids i have now, and that alone kinda freaks me out. my life took a different path the day she died, what i didn't know then was that i was trading her life for those of bennett, braden and brynn. i was sacrificing her for the life i have today and i'm not sure how i feel about that...i try to live my life with no regrets (although, let's be honest...there are definitely things i should *seriously* regret, LOL!), but that's hard when you are dealing with the loss of a child.

she was born on february 15, 1990...she was a big girl for a first baby and i was a complete mess physically after i had her. i remember so clearly my very serious, very professional ob/gyn coming in a few hours after i had given birth. she came in and told me to roll over so she could check my stitches (oh yay...), she then proceeds to marvel at the size of the hemorrhoids i was sporting in the old nether regions. i can hear her voice still (she's asian, so please excuse my political incorrectness - you need to get the entire gist of the conversation) as she tells me, "oh my, my you half HUGE hemo-woid. you half TREE huge hemo-woid. no inta-cose fo yew fo long time. no, no, no inta-cose fo yew dea, dis is BIG hemo-woid, LAHGE HEMO-WOID, you unnuh-stan me???" (wonderful doctor - superb doctor, but i still giggle when i think about her all concerned for my ass's health, like i'm actually going out trolling for wanker after grinding a 9 pound eggplant outta my parts...uh, no worries there doc.) i had broken blood vessels in both eyes, i think my entire face had swollen to about 3 times the size it should have been and when i stood up it seriously felt like my whole massive cooder was going to fall right onto the floor where i stood - i was a mess, but i had my girl.

10 months and 7 days later, on december 22, 1990, on a saturday morning, she was gone. she developed bacterial menengitis, died within hours of being diagnosed and i was no longer a mother. just like that - i woke up that morning being her mom and went to bed that night no longer playing out that amazing role. of course, she is still my child - she will always be my child, she is my guardian angel. she watches out for me, she guides me and she shakes her head at what a dork i can be. she reminds me on occasion that all things have a purpose, even when it doesn't seem to be true. i feel her near when i'm questioning my ability to be a good parent, when i've had it and don't want to be their mom anymore, she tells me i'm doing ok and to hang in there. she speaks to me when i see teenage girls wearing practically nothing except a ton of makeup, out in places they probably shouldn't be with people they definitely shouldn't be and she tells me that brynn will be ok at that age. she tells me to look at her and how good she's turned out as a teenager (do i imagine she says this with a tad of her mother's sacrcastic, biting wit?).

she calms me. she helps me to understand that life goes on, even when you think it shouldn't; when you think it most definitely should stop, if only for a moment, in honor of something wonderful that is gone. she teaches me to be a better mother. she teaches me to enjoy even the shittiest of moments for what they are - something that has altered a life somehow, somewhere - for better or for worse; something that may never again be repeated, something that can disappear in a moment's notice. a part of life that needed to be lived, for whatever reason.

as horrible and devastating as it was to lose a child, i realize that it was necessary to become who i am at this moment. it was probably necessary for other people to have known her and experienced her life and death in order to become who they are today. for each of the times that i have questioned God's Plan (and if he even freakin HAD one), there were even more times that i saw clearly what it could be, what it should be, what it is...

on that note, i leave telling you that my niece brittnie gave birth to a baby boy today, in the same hospital and on the same day that i had my child 17 years ago...pretty stinkin cool huh?