must. stop. apologizing.

i'm beginning to accept the fact that i just plain and simple blow at some things. sometimes i blow because i don't try hard enough. sometimes i blow because my brain and/or my body can't keep up with my intentions - which are generally good. but sometimes, sometimes...one just blows for the inexcusable sake of blowing.

i am a pleaser, and by extension an apologizer. this comes to my attention as i threaten to shock-collar treatment my dot if she says "sorry" one more time. seems no matter who says what to her, that's almost always the first word outta her mouth. for example, i say "thank you for cleaning up the cat poop that your dog snacked on in the kitchen" and she will say (with plenty of 'tude) , "well, SAW-REE, at least i cleaned it up!"; one of her brothers will say (ok, yell), "hey brynn, will you turn down the music?" and she will sweetly reply in her little girl voice "JEEZ...SAW-REE! you guys play it loud all the time"; once i called her to me to see how she was feeling saying "sis, your tum still feeling funny?" and she thought i said something about stealing money and about burst into tears, squeaking out "SAW-REE! i didn't do it, dad gave me that, i pinky-swear, mom!" took me a bit to figure out what the hell had just happened (bottom line is, whatever she was talking about she was sure as hell telling the truth - you don't just throw that pinky-swear thing out there without being able to back it up.), she may have been a bit paranoid about the money thing as she has been known to lift a sawbuck or two from others, but my point is that somewhere along the line she has become annoyingly apologetic. i realize that there are worse things for her to say out of habit. granted, "sorry" certainly has carries bonus points over "fuck you", but you must get my point. she doesn't even listen to what is being said before she blurts out how sorry she is.

i'm now becoming aware that i apologize all the time myself. someone backs into me and i'm sorry for getting in the way. i'm riding in someone's car and they hit a bump and slosh my coffee---oops, sorry should have anticipated that pothole. after letting the phone ring 15 times, someone answers the second i finally hang up...shit-sorry! hair-goddess has to fix my 'do because i trimmed it crooked while trying to get a piece of hair she had left hanging in my eye. i pay her enough to feed a small eastern country to cut my hair perfectly and i'm sorry? i leave behind two plates while cleaning the table off as my hands are too full as it is, and someone brings them into the kitchen after me. sorry about that, should have balanced my load better so you wouldn't have to help me. seriously. wtf?

so, the beginning of my quest to end the unnecessary apologizing is here. this all started because i was going to apologize for not updating my blog in the last month. well screw that. i'm really not sorry, i've been a busy little buffalo this last month. it's not like i've been sitting around with my feet up whilst others wait on me hand and foot. well ok, part of the time i did that, but mostly i was really physically exhausted and mentally incapacitated by responsibilities---responsibilities that i brought upon myself, but still they needed tending to and i managed to tend and survive and now i'm here to update you all. instead i rambled on about something stupid and mundane and wasted all the time i have to catch everyone up...sorry.