to kill a bluejay

it is "happy season" for our mourning doves...meaning they are really, really horny and have no qualms about getting busy just about ANYwhere. we have two nests that i can see - one in an acacia tree near my back porch and another in a redwood out by the (p)ool. i am rather fond of the dumb pretty little birds. (i'd swear i've written about their pathetic attempts at nest building, but can't find it...so let's suffer through it again together, shall we?). i'm convinced that when these particular birds begin mating, it's all about young love - not about nest-building abilities or maturity, it's all about being cute and being infatuated with each other. i believe my nests are proof of this. the "nest" in the acacia tree is a pathetic criss-crossing of about 15 little sticks. it is flat. it is not nest-shaped. it has holes all over. when mama sits, she is basically spreading her fat butt across a few forks in the tree. really...not very impressive. now, the nest out by the (p)ool is a much better built nest, but low to the ground and right out in the open. i think this couple were given their nest as a mating present. my guess is that it was installed pre-fabricated, it's a perfect nest. he's a handsome young bird that married into money, nothing but the best for his new FIL's baby. someone should have, however, given her a "nesting-skills-for-dummies" book...she's not so good at it. besides, they are always out partying and stuff...they are young, they still have a bit of the wild side in them, but their intentions are good, they'll straighten up when they need to, right?

ok, so little miss big-butt-on-branches is a fine mother - she has endured very gusty wind storms and pouring down rain without leaving her eggs, she is very brave and refuses to budge when i approach her nest. she has provided her chitlins with a fine father as well. he is very attentive, always bringing yummies and helping sit with the babies. they are good parents. crappy nest-builders, but seemingly really good parents.

which brings me back to the young, clueless couple. a few weeks ago, i checked the nest and found two beautiful little eggs laying sweetly in the nest. saying "awwwww" to myself, i noticed that the eggs were alone (can't get much by me) but figured, i dunno, maybe mama had to pee or something. i went out the next day to see the "grandkids" and - EEK! - only one egg in the nest. shit! i looked around and yep, evidence of the other egg was laying shattered under the nest. well crap - that sucks, but at least there is one left, right? sure, they left it unattended AGAIN, but still it's a cute egg, if not a little lonely looking. two days pass and i am doing my daily check and, shit-on-a-stick, no eggs in the nest and more shells on the ground. sigh. i figured that maybe by now the birds may possibly have realized that their perfect nest was placed in a not-so-perfect spot - too easy to access by other birds, dogs, what have you - and maybe they fled to another location.

long story a bit longer - no, they didn't go out and find/build/buy/whatever a new nest...they laid two more eggs in the existing one. very cute, sweet, white shiny eggs. after watching for a couple of days i decided that mama seemed to be sitting much better this time, the two of them are always frolicking around in the branches out there, you know, just funnin' and stuff. so, keeping that in mind, imagine my lack of concern upon looking out towards their nest two days ago and noticing branches bouncing around and stuff. then i see a bluejay hop out of the nest and see the two mourners smacking furiously at him with their wings. whoa-hey, this is not a friendly, tree tussle going on out there...they need me, that jay is trying to steal their eggs, super-shawna to the rescue, STAT!

i went tearing out there, yelling obscenities (i know...imagine that.), scaring the crap outta braden and brynn cause they had no idea why the hell i was running out the door, yelling and shaking a stick at the tree. my dogs are ALL excited because a) i was running; b) they got to go in and pee on the (p)ool area bushes; and c) i wasn't yelling obscenities at them for a change. (oh sure, happy dog day at la case de martini). so anyway, back to the birds...the farking jay flies off, and the mourners are all at each other's throats, i'm sure accusing one another of leaving the nest unattended. he quite possibly wants to know why in the hell she needed to get her claws done again and she is well within her rights to want to know where the hell he spent last night, because it definintely wasn't on his own branch! being the sensitive person that i am and seeing that they were rather caught up in their little bird-soap opera, i decided to check the nest for them and - WHEW, thank goodness - the eggs were fine. i got a warm and gooey feeling all over, happy in my role of protecting the nest from that bastard blue predator. i just assumed the couple would work out their little bird-differences, learn a lesson or two about leaving their store-bought nest unattended and get back to the business of hatching and raising their young'uns to be big, fat, healthy little bug eaters.

well, i assumed wrong. i don't know what the hell happened, but i went out this morning to say hi and make sure everything was as it should be...and fmr, no eggs. no new shells under the nest, but no babies either. sigh. i'm so depressed. will i never learn? will i ever realize that the circle of life happens for a reason and to just butt out? will the crappy-parent couple ever successfully raise babies? will the shitty nest builders reinforce their house so that the eggs don't fall through the crater-sized gaps in it? will phil spector open fire on the courtroom in a rare moment of non-medicated lucidity? and what could he possibly do next to his hair that hasn't already been done?

again with the sigh. stay tuned.