let us recap...shall we?

3:06am:  i hear Fat-Pat-the-Androgynous-Cat digging at the carpet under my bedroom door.  probably, her lard ass has eaten all of the food in the house, sampled a few non-food items and dammit she's not full.  i launch a roll of tissue missile-like at the door to scare her, where it lands after a quite-a-bit-less-than-spectacular *whuf* against the wall next to the door.  yea, i kinda rock my own world like that.  the ever-vigilant Winston goes on full alert and stands guard at the door, refusing get back to his bed.

3:08am: lights out, pillows in place, t-shirt over my face, all is right in my world.

3:08:15am: *scratch scratch*  fuck me.

3:19am:  i give up trying to sleep - it's hopeless due to images in my brain consisting of various methods in which to kill each one of my animals.  by now i'm stressed and pissed...sleep is not a viable option.  lights on, kindle out, glasses found - reading commences.

4:22am:  *YAWN*  sweet sleep is within reach...lights out, pillows in place...blah, blah, blah.

4:31am:  fuck it - laying here is stupid, i have things to do...i can always take a nap.  lights on...first things first; start coffee.  check email.  squirrel, even though i promised myself i was only checking my email.  read about something political and start to get stressed again...move on to frontierville.  sweet, brainless frontierville. algebraic equation of the day:  "coffee + sleeping children + frontierville = temporary sanity".

5:03am: i find myself in my closet wondering who the fuck bought all these clothes 2 sizes too small, i have nothing to wear.  screw it - i love my jams.  hey, while i'm in here...

5:27am: closet purged a bit - starting to wake up.  gonna start some laundry.  follow me here, this gets tricky:  having gathered a massive pile of things that need washing and balanced my coffee cup on top, using my teeth to hold it in place, i open my door and call to Winston to get his lazy ass off the bed...we're heading out.  he's rather exasperated with me...he must be - he looks at me with his "are you serious right now?  it's still dark outside and i just got comfy...are we going out and staying out this time, because this back and forth shit is for the birds.  make up your mind and COMMIT, woman" face.  a few more coaxing gestures and he resignedly drags his ass out from under his soft yellow (read: pussy girl) blanket, stands in the middle of the hallway (balanced equidistant between all bedrooms containing sleeping [read: QUIET] children) and does the world's most annoying shake known to man.  dog tags on a shaking dog make the most infuriating sound when your temporary sanity is being permanently threatened.

5:28am:  something falls from the laundry pile in my hands - of course.  i can't tell what it is - i'll grab it with my toes and kick/carry it to the laundry room.  still balancing my coffee, mind you.  i hit where the carpet meets tile in the entryway and feel what must be a 4 inch long rusty heroin needle (known in some circles as a carpet tack) drive through the heel of my right, probably-panty-or-sock-carrying, foot.  mutherfucker, i *HAAAAATE* that. i grab the coffee with a hand to keep from spilling it as i hop on one foot, hoping with very little hope that i don't bleed out right there where my children will find me buried under a heap of dirty laundry (which could take days...jus'sayin - my kids sure as hell steer damn clear of touching any form of dirty laundry).

5:28:52am:  and then more clothes fall to the floor.  blood pressure spike is definitely in the immediate forecast.

5:29am (time is approximate due to a temporary blackout):  the fucking PSYCHO orange cat has ONCE AGAIN pushed over the self-watering container in her attempt to "catch" the bubbles that appear in the jug as she drinks the water.  have i ever mentioned how my kitchen floor turns into a freaking sheet of ice with just one drop of water?  yea, well...jeebus, mark and christopher, my life is such a fucking joke.  the momentary lapse of consciousness comes from my head hitting the floor, as clothes and coffee spew into a roughly 5 foot radius before me.

5:35am (again with the time approximation): i laugh/cry/wimper/snort my way to my feet, gather the laundry - resourcefully using a dirty towel to mop up coffee - and make my way to the laundry room without further incident...which is truly amazing at this point given that it was a whole 3 feet away.

7:01am:  the chitlins have stirred without being shaken and i feel better having, once again, shared the ridiculousness of this moment in time in the Easy Life, and then eaten half of a bottle of aleve.  for the record - yes, i did consider the half-full bottle of wine sitting on my counter as my pain-reliever of choice, but figured with this kind of start, probably i will have an even stronger need for that in a few hours.

martinez-out, bitches.