i'm sorry, is that the sound of you bleeding out?

have you ever had one of those days where you go from simply 'pissy' to full blown 'bitch' in about 22.3 seconds?  i want to blame my lazy-ass, don't-give-a-shit, it's-all-about-me kids, but i'm not sure that's fair.

what the FUCK am i talking about - of course it's fair.  i keep running through my head "you'll miss them when they are gone" or, "you'll wish for a loud messy house again, just to have the kids back home" but i truly believe that will pan out to be the biggest crock of horse shit known to man, once it's all said and done.  hopefully i'm wrong, i just really doubt it.

as much as i love my kids - they are a huge pain in the ass.  they are lazy, they mess up neat areas for no apparent reason, they break things that they shouldn't even be touching, they make messes simply passing through a room., they destroy things - they have ruined carpet, clothes, walls, blinds, cabinets, fences, plants... all seemingly without a care in the world...they are expensive, they complain when asked to do simple routine things - then they do a shitty job, they have selective hearing, they have selective sight, they have selective brain power.   they are expected to do well in school - they are smart people.  really smart.  until they run across a subject they don't particularly care for - one child might be math or reading, another child might despise physical exercise.  then there's the one that hates anything even remotely related to school and actually shows enthusiasm when he gets detention because his girlfriend is hanging out in there too.  also probably for not giving a shit about anything related to school. terrific.

here is where most of you say "there's your problem, dumbass"  and i don't really care.  sock it to me. here goes:  my kids eventually get pretty much anything they ask for...they have phones, computers, game consoles up the wazoo, ipods - like i said, pretty much whatever they ask for. and sure, they are supposed to maintain decent grades (some do, some don't), they have chores around the house they should be doing without being asked (uh...never), they have rooms to keep somewhat inhabitable (only when my head spins around and i spew hot asphalt tar from my nose), but my definition of that must be completely ridiculous, because they can never seem to hit that mark for more than 10 or 15 minutes.  my point is they rarely apply themselves to doing things the right way.  after nagging and bitching at them about it for days, they look at me like i'm insane and irrational when i finally get pissed.

i really don't ask much of them.  i acknowledge that  most of the reason they are who they are is because of me and who i am.  i see my own shortcomings in them daily - i can be very lazy and look for shortcuts.  what i battle with is that more than anything, i want my kids to be kids...i want them to be happy and experience a kid's life before becoming bogged down with grown-up shit.  but i also want them to someday be adults that people actually want to be around for an extended period of time.  why is it so hard for me to find a middle ground, something between being a helpless needy little kid and a slovenly teenager with frakken ADD?  i mostly make them come back and pick up after themselves when they leave shit laying around or make a mess of some sort.  yes, it is easier for me to throw or put away their crap, but i feel like i need to make a point.  i figure if i get on their nerves enough they'll pick up after themselves for no other reason than not having to hear the sound of my devil-woman screech anymore.  alas, i tire of it before they seem to.

i have a child that begged and pleaded for a fish tank and finally got one with the understanding that it was their responsibility to maintain.  yea, the tank is half full right now, making GOD-awful sucking noises from a lack of water for the filter and contains 2 out of the original 10 fish.  what do i do?  do i say fuck it, and hope the last 2 fish die quickly?  do i take this child by the hand - once AGAIN - and show them how to prepare the water and fill the tank? what do i do?

i have another child that managed to spill hot liquid RED wax in their room.  not just on the carpet, not just on the white baseboards, not even just on the stucco walls - the wax is splattered throughout a roughly 9 square foot area, covering books, clothes and furniture, in addition to the other things mentioned. did i mention that the wax is RED? why, you ask, did this child have hot liquid RED wax in their bedroom?  good fucking question.

i have yet another child who's office 'workspace' is covered with candy wrappers, water bottles, dishes, cd's, dvd's, mxc's (no clue, just made that shit up)...you name it, it's on the desk in there.  have i asked them to clean it up?  of course.  have i cleaned it up myself on occasion?  of course. have i threatened to burn it down if it wasn't kept clean?  probably so, now that i think about it. is it still a mess in there as i type?  absolutely.

seriously, what in GOD'S name made me think i could actually handle raising children?  the baby/young part was easy...i loved it when they were small and defenseless and messy and whiney.  THAT was rewarding.  this...really, not so much.

i'm overwhelmed and probably pms'ing.  i have summer vacation approaching in 2 1/2 weeks and these little bastards are going to put up or...no, no 'or'...i'm starting a list, i'm not even going to check it twice - i know who's been lazy and who's going to have a whip cracked on their ass.  i'm not a horrible parent.  my kids are good kids, but they are even lazier than i am.  i pray that ultimately, Lord willing, they will emerge as kind, albeit not organized or clean, adults...someday.  but the next person that tells me to "be sure and enjoy them at this age because it all goes so fast", can pluck my mexican-by-injection switchblade out of their carotid and then kiss my ever-loving frustrated big ass.