yup, right out the winder

i was soooo close. i had to be in the top 25 for that ever elusive MOTY award. but, sigh...that's gone now. on saturday i was drop kicked completely out of the running. i will attempt to tell you what happened, but please keep in mind - i love my kids madly. i would gladly throw, say...their dad, in front of a speeding truck to save any one of their little lives. but after reading this you will probably question the decision of God to give me the responsibility of raising these little creatures and someday putting them forth into this world on their own...to the story.

a special (oh jeez you don't even know the *half* of just how "special") friend was kind enough to ask me for my contribution to an upcoming national publication she is working on. big soup, no? so, for about a week or so, i've been working on whipping out something spectacular just for her. did i mention this was a very special project? did you see the words publication and national? for me - this project needed to be PERFECT. now, in typical shawna-fashion, i was scrambling at the last minute, but pleased with how everything was coming along. my deadline for mailing was monday, so it was imperative that i have everything done by saturday as i had plans for the rest of the weekend.

absolutely thrilled that i had finished up about mid-day on saturday, i was taking pictures of what i did and then planning on emailing the images to her. i placed my camera, along with the project (it was a total of three pieces) on the couch in the office and plopped down at my computer to whip these out and be done, TA-DAH! for a moment - no, just a split second - that creature in my brain that is so much smarter than i actually spoke aloud to me. i swear i heard the words, "now shawna, don't put this stuff on the couch, move it somewhere up high and safe". aw jeez, pipe down...i'm in a hurry and hell, the couch is RIGHT THERE for pete's sake...chillax, o' brilliant (but extremely paranoid) one that lives in my head.

ok...so. while busying myself with the computer and the farking PSE program, i vaguely noticed that someone had entered the room. on i surged with my quest, i was almost done, i could see the light at the end of the tunnel! typing, editing, reducing, enlarging, cropping, lightening - undeterred, i WAS the PSE queen. then i heard the words, "braden, i'd put down mom's camera if i was you".

nothing major really registered in those first 2 seconds, oh no big deal, braden is in here too - he loves my camera and i've taught him the basics of handling it. he's just gonna take a cuppla pics, no worries really - he's right behind me, what's the worst that can happen? he's right behind me. he's right there. he's just sitting on the cou--- O SHIT!

(to be perfectly honest, most of what happens next is a tad hazy, as i'm pretty sure i blacked out for a minute. bennett relayed the following to me, swearing it is God's honest truth and i should probably believe him, as unlikely as it is. he was right here and i was, apparently, busy sprouting horns and snakes out of my skull, whilst flames speweth forth from my moutheth.)

when the realization of what had possibly happened hit me, i remember spinning in my chair and seeing - the snapshot of it is forever in my mind - sections of all three cards splaying out from underneath various regions of braden's butt with everything all bowed down in the couch cushion from his weight. then, (and here's where it gets a bit sketchy) i'm almost sure that i gently suggested that he get his ample sized rear off of my precious perfect cards. bennett, however says i screamed "get the fuck offa those things - what are you, a freakin' MORON?!?!?" at the top of my lungs ( i would venture to say that the fact that ms b came running in from the complete opposite end of the house yelling "WHAT HAPPENED and did mom just drop the F-BOMB?!?" kinda backs up his story.)

i remember that braden's eyes got huge, and i remember thinking "he has absolutely no clue why i am screaming at him", before he leapt to his feet and dove for the door to the office; i heard his feet gain traction on the tile as he was running just AWAY. he said not one word on his way out. i remember looking over at bennett and seeing him leaning back in the other office chair silent with his eyes and mouth wide open. he looked at me and said, "wow." i then looked at the cards to see how badly they were destroyed (apparently this was just a smidge more important than the current condition of braden's shattered psyche) and looked back at bennett who, apparently still in shock, again simply said, "wow." the realization that i had just completely unloaded and scared the shit out of braden hit me and i once more looked over at mr-chock-full-of-words, who (with a seemingly new found love for my parenting skillz) said "wow. that was freakin' AWESOME!"

gulping and cringing i went to braden's room and there he was, curled up in a ball on his bed and completely buried under his comforter, petrified with no clue what he had done only that it must have been really BAD. i started begging for mercy, telling him i was so sorry, that there was no excuse for what i said, that i wasn't mad at him for not looking where he put his big butt - well, that *was* pretty dumb, but certainly didn't warrant the blast he got - that i was more mad that i didn't listen to the bitch in my head that thinks she knows everything. and - "OMG - can you EVER forgive me???", to which he replied, "mmmERRR!" (the his-feelers-are-hurt sound) and refused to come out from under the blankets.

fast forward to 3 days later. he is finally speaking to me again, having conditionally accepted my apology (it cost me a trip through the panda express drive thru - kid drives a hard bargain). the cards, having (amazingly) survived with simply a minor crease to the back side of one of them, were packaged up carefully this morning and mailed off to where they needed to be and everything is settled and peaceful once again.

...until 10 years down the road, when all three of my kids are in therapy remembering that one time that their lah-hoo-zer mom dropped the big effer over some stupid paper. ugh.