bitch.

i have three dogs. sutter is old. and blind and deaf. but overall, she's healthy as a freaking puppy. she's a great dog, but has developed uhm...shall we call it "selective hearing"? i have buddy (aka ASSMUNCH) who is an obese, highly anti-social kennel fighter, but super sweet to people. then there is lucy. lucy is still a pup, so i keep getting told to cut her some slack...she has my neighbors pissed off at me because she's a barker ---no, she BAYS. why in God's name didn't someone tell me that beagles were BAYERS before i got her? she's really cute and really smart, but stubborn as a mule on steroids. also, she's a runner. little bitch.

yesterday morning dale and i were getting ready to make a home depot run for a few things i needed to fix up a few things around the house. i'm inside cleaning up and he's outside looking at my back gate. the door opens and he pops his cute little head in and rather timidly says..."hey sweets, can i get a little help rounding up three dogs, please?"

greht. just fooking greht.

all three pups are about halfway down my road - now i live on a cul-de-sac inside a development surrounded by pretty busy streets. only two ways in or out. my dogs are heading for way out #1. fortunately i was dressed (things like this usually happen to me in my jams), but still had my slips on - i can run in them, but i run like a special person; incredibly special. i yell for my dogs and the only that stops is buddy (have i mentioned what a good boy he is, why yes he is a such a good boy.) lucy is beside herself, drunk with the freedom, going wherever her stupid nose takes her. sutter has her head down and is making a beeline for absolutely anywhere but here. the good dog came right to me and dale put him back in the yard, the two bad dogs might have glanced at me for a second and quickly dismissed any ideas of willingly returning home - i can see it in their eyes - the moment that they decide the pleasure will definitely be worth the pain.

i am at the circle-drive entrance to the neighborhood and the bad dogs have stopped to sniff and pee, i'm gaining ground all the while yelling at both of them to "COME!" i get down on my knees on the sidewalk and start being as sweet as i can be to get lucy to come. kissy noises, patting the ground, sweet baby talk, bribes of prime rib and broccoli - you know, whatever it takes. WHOO-HOO! it works, she sees me down on her level and is so overjoyed that i don't sound mad anymore, that she's a running up the sidewalk towards me as fast as she can go. no wait, now she is going as fast as she can. huh...still picking up speed - she must really want a hug from me and to tell me how sorry she is for being a bad bad girl! racing right at me and, i swear not 3 feet in front of me, she cuts just enough to her left to shoot past me at, oh i dunno, maybe 73 mph? shawna, with absolutely no mind to what the hell the neighbors are seeing and absolutely no fear for her own safety, lunges to her right as hard as she can from her knees, right arm outstretched and in slo-mo she grazes (yes, grazes) the little snot's back with her fingertips...in a flash i see lucy's mouth wide fucking open in absolute, complete and utterly hysterical ecstasy. as i land with an "OOOOOOOF!" flat out on my side on the neighbor's lawn, slippers having flown off long ago, baseball cap still laying in the middle of the street, i swear i heard her laughing. [who'll be laughing when the garbage truck pancakes your ass into the concrete in about 3 seconds from now missy? hmmm...yep, pretty sure it won't be you."]

oh wait, no that wasn't lucy laughing...that was my neighbor stacy (the one who's hubs is pissed off), who was heading out for a walk, only to be treated to the site of me rolling around (for no apparent reason i'm sure, from her point of view) on someone else's lawn. she crouches down and calls for lucy, who joyfully runs to her and leaps into her arms, all lickey and happy and cute. omg, i swear, this dog is going to be the death of herself. you'll read all about it and IT WON'T BE MY FAULT.

now, PRIOR and UNRELATED to this incident, i was getting her a static (read: SHOCK!) collar to help curb her incessant barking at anything that appears to be any different from anything else she might have seen at any time in her life before. (again, with the pissed off neighbor) so, needless to say - i'm doubly determined. in fact, give me extra batteries and lots of extra shocker remotes - i'm handing them out to all my neighbors.

heh heh heh.