waiting for my friend mr nyquil to kick my ass. sitting here thinking about disappointment and i've come to the conclusion, it blows balls. i despise disappointment; i despise causing it and i despise feeling it...and i've done too much of both.
what's the answer, though - quit depending on people? quit allowing them to depend up on me? who lives like that...bitter, resentful, lonely people is all i can think of.
it's not a huge stretch to expect honesty, to be expected to give honesty. i sat back and dug into my brain's ass 6 years ago and made two lists: one list of the things i absolutely would never live again without, and the other of the things i could never again live with. honesty and dishonesty were at the top of those lists, hands down...no hesitation. second on those lists were loyalty and disloyalty. third was probably something silly like bacon and bad breath; but i digress.
where i'm headed with this is that i am a pleaser and have found that the most effective way to please is to be a (an?) honest, loyal friend who tells it like it is, but in a way that isn't brutally painful. oftentimes easier said than done...my greatest strength? my empathy for others; my strongest weakness? my empathy for others. a double edged muther-fuckin sword, it is.
while i am who i am and have tried to accept that not everyone is like me - can i get a "THANK YOU OH MY GOD" for that - what i have trouble with is reconciling the fact that there are those that give and take and then there are those that just give OR take. i take a lot, actually - i give more, but i do have the take-shit part down, with the trophy in my sights...it's fairly new to me so i expect that my grades will improve with time.
i give - dale and i have a joke about "givers" that we know and unfortunately, it is almost always referring to a slut of sorts...as in "she is SUCH a giver", meaning head, ass, what have you. yea, anyway what was i saying? oh yea - i give. the people that i love have access to anything i am able to give to them, 24/7/364 (ha! actually chuckled at that)... i love it when i have what they need, really i do - it makes me happy. maybe it's the cementing of some of my worth to them. i dunno but probably, as being worthy seems to be something more valuable to me than gold (notice i did not say the b-a-c-o-n word). but that, my friends, is a whole 'nuva therapy session.
moving on - someone mentioned to me the possibility of not expecting anything from others and thus, not being disappointed in them. another person suggested i stop giving to certain people, that perhaps that would trigger something in the takers and make them change their evil ways. neither one is an option for me. i DO expect things from other people in my life. i DO expect honesty and loyalty and a shoulder should i need it, from them. further more, i cannot stop giving for a manipulative reason. don't get me wrong, i could manipulate adolf-effing-hitler under the table...but when it happens, i choose to do it unencumbered. yet another session ;)
so what is the answer? well hell...i guess it's to just keep on keepin' on. i'll keep giving and maybe when all is said and done, i'll march my ass up to the Pearly Gates, drier than a dead dingo's donger, and Saint Jim-Bob will say "dayum gurrrrrrrl, let's have some wine!" and off we'll go talkin' about all the asswipes we passed something off to along the way.
ok...wow. that made almost no sense at all. i surely do love you my nyquilly boy <3
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
a few days late, but necessary for me...
i'm never sure whether or not to post this on the anniversary of the death of my daughter...i've decided to do it again this year for me and me alone. it is a sad, painful recollection of the day she died, as told 18 years later. it took a long time for me to put it all down into words and it was amazingly cleansing to do so. she is always in my heart and she guides me daily. still.
just a warning of sorts that it isn't pleasant. it is raw and it is real. it is a day in my life that changed everything i knew to be real and reshaped everything from that point forward. it is actually the story of the day that i realized i had no choice but to live my life - regardless of what obstacles were thrown into my path. we don't get to choose much of our way, but we do get the chance to change how we deal with things in our future.
to those who have never experienced this, may God allow you to continue on through your life without ever knowing it; to those who have experienced it - and i know way too many of you personally - know that you are never alone and that you actually were given an amazing gift. something that you may not be able to hold in your arms today, but something that will give you the single-most amazing moment yet to come.
miss morgan: december 22, 1990
just a warning of sorts that it isn't pleasant. it is raw and it is real. it is a day in my life that changed everything i knew to be real and reshaped everything from that point forward. it is actually the story of the day that i realized i had no choice but to live my life - regardless of what obstacles were thrown into my path. we don't get to choose much of our way, but we do get the chance to change how we deal with things in our future.
to those who have never experienced this, may God allow you to continue on through your life without ever knowing it; to those who have experienced it - and i know way too many of you personally - know that you are never alone and that you actually were given an amazing gift. something that you may not be able to hold in your arms today, but something that will give you the single-most amazing moment yet to come.
miss morgan: december 22, 1990
Thursday, December 2, 2010
more sweet, than bitter...
the holidays are here again, the sky above is (still) clear (again)...shall we sing a song of cheer again, holidays are here again...
bittersweet. word for the season...december 22, 2010 marks the 20th anniversary of my daughter morgan's death. whoa. 20 freakin years since my girl died at 10 months of meningitis. which means she would be 21 on february 15, 2011. jeebus, how old AM i? my grams died last month. another huge void in my life. i was raised with her 50 yards away until my mid-teens - she has been a huge part of me for as long as i can remember. the girl and i made a trip up to see her in early october - and i will be forever thankful that we did.
feeling a bit blue and can't quite place my hand upon why. i imagine it's a combination of things...but i generally love this time of year and i need to get my shit in gear, lol. this is also the time of year i start to see a change in my kids. energy level (read: obnoxiousness rating) goes up, boredom prevails and nerves get frayed. my girl has been watching Christmas classics and listening to Christmas songs for weeks already. she's hitting me up to decorate the Christmas tree this weekend. i NEVER have my tree up this early. i know this is what old people say, but it seems like i just took the damn thing down.
i think what is contributing to my funk is the fact that i am starting to realize that love leads to pain ---damn, raise your hand if you saw that coming--- what i mean is i'm getting to a point in my life when i am beginning to realize that life doesn't go on forever. that we WILL have to say goodbye to those we love. the harder and the deeper we love, the harder and deeper the pain will run. it WILL be devastating and there is no dodging it. unless, of course, it is our life that ends first. and so i find myself worrying. morbid, yes; futile, yes; depressing, yes; but pointless, no. i am learning - finally - that i should be living my life one moment at a time. i need to appreciate all of the good that surrounds me. i need to be a better, kinder, more thoughtful person. i should be less judgmental (pffftt, yea, like that is ever gonna happen.) my point is, it's never too late to change the way we affect other people.
seriously, when i look around at the people i truly love and i do mean L-O-V-E with all of my heart, and i try to imagine losing them...well, it's simple, i can't do it. i know, very well, the pain of loss. i know how devastating it is, how paralyzing it is, how it sucks the very breath out of your entire body leaving you frantically searching for a place where you can just crumble and fall, because you are sure you will never see the light of another day. you pray to God to spare you from ever seeing the light of another day - anything, yes even death, is preferable to the pain. how does one survive the knowledge that such loss lies on their life's horizon?
(cue JT) you shower the people you love with love...you show them the way that you feel. you don't dwell on the knowledge of the inevitable goodbye, but you must understand and accept it and then you prepare for it the only way you really can. you love deeper, you hug tighter, you kiss longer, you squeeze harder. you truly allow yourself to experience love. bittersweet, absolutely...but i cannot imagine my life without it. better to have loved and lost...? no question.
group hug time. <3
bittersweet. word for the season...december 22, 2010 marks the 20th anniversary of my daughter morgan's death. whoa. 20 freakin years since my girl died at 10 months of meningitis. which means she would be 21 on february 15, 2011. jeebus, how old AM i? my grams died last month. another huge void in my life. i was raised with her 50 yards away until my mid-teens - she has been a huge part of me for as long as i can remember. the girl and i made a trip up to see her in early october - and i will be forever thankful that we did.
feeling a bit blue and can't quite place my hand upon why. i imagine it's a combination of things...but i generally love this time of year and i need to get my shit in gear, lol. this is also the time of year i start to see a change in my kids. energy level (read: obnoxiousness rating) goes up, boredom prevails and nerves get frayed. my girl has been watching Christmas classics and listening to Christmas songs for weeks already. she's hitting me up to decorate the Christmas tree this weekend. i NEVER have my tree up this early. i know this is what old people say, but it seems like i just took the damn thing down.
i think what is contributing to my funk is the fact that i am starting to realize that love leads to pain ---damn, raise your hand if you saw that coming--- what i mean is i'm getting to a point in my life when i am beginning to realize that life doesn't go on forever. that we WILL have to say goodbye to those we love. the harder and the deeper we love, the harder and deeper the pain will run. it WILL be devastating and there is no dodging it. unless, of course, it is our life that ends first. and so i find myself worrying. morbid, yes; futile, yes; depressing, yes; but pointless, no. i am learning - finally - that i should be living my life one moment at a time. i need to appreciate all of the good that surrounds me. i need to be a better, kinder, more thoughtful person. i should be less judgmental (pffftt, yea, like that is ever gonna happen.) my point is, it's never too late to change the way we affect other people.
seriously, when i look around at the people i truly love and i do mean L-O-V-E with all of my heart, and i try to imagine losing them...well, it's simple, i can't do it. i know, very well, the pain of loss. i know how devastating it is, how paralyzing it is, how it sucks the very breath out of your entire body leaving you frantically searching for a place where you can just crumble and fall, because you are sure you will never see the light of another day. you pray to God to spare you from ever seeing the light of another day - anything, yes even death, is preferable to the pain. how does one survive the knowledge that such loss lies on their life's horizon?
(cue JT) you shower the people you love with love...you show them the way that you feel. you don't dwell on the knowledge of the inevitable goodbye, but you must understand and accept it and then you prepare for it the only way you really can. you love deeper, you hug tighter, you kiss longer, you squeeze harder. you truly allow yourself to experience love. bittersweet, absolutely...but i cannot imagine my life without it. better to have loved and lost...? no question.
group hug time. <3
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