GRAPHIC: and should that not stop you...

this video is about abortion.  graphic images slam home the point that this is really happening in our society.  i have given space at the end so you don't have to actually see any of the video unless you scroll down farther.  if you do, be prepared.  it is truly horrifying.*

*video has been banned from you tube and is no longer available.

first of all, i am not here to debate abortion.  we all have our points of view and i respect that.  i'm only giving my personal beliefs because...well, it's my blog and i think my view on it (and therefore, the view i will probably share with my kids at some point) pertains to the question i'm going to ask you.

now, surprisingly enough, in spite of my wacked-out conservative views, i have always considered myself "pro-choice".  i know the anti-abortion peeps prefer the term "pro-abortion" to describe my point of view, but i refuse to accept that, as i am actually both "pro-choice" and "pro-life".  i am also somewhat anti-abortion. fickle, much?  funny thing...? my ma - who is a die hard bleeding heart liberal communist, bless her heart - is Way Anti-Abortion.  Way.  in her mind there is never an excuse, and i'm cool with that.  needless to say, i don't exactly bring it up at Thanksgiving dinner.

my personal standing is that, for lots of reasons, i believe a woman should ultimately have control over her body and what it happens to contain. i have held fast to the belief that if a fetus cannot survive on it's own without requiring this woman's bodily resources, it should fall under her personal jurisdiction.  this does not mean i believe in abortion as a means of birth-control. this does not mean i would choose to have an abortion myself.  what this means is that i believe the woman should be able to make the final decision in whether or not she has an abortion.

i will tell you that i would fight tooth and nail over my personal right to have an abortion if someone told me i absolutely would not be allowed to do it - in spite of the fact that i have never even personally considered, nor considered considering it.  does this mean that if i was denied and then granted that right i would go through with it?  not even close...i would though, still fight for my right to choose.

in most cases, i personally believe that abortion is a huge mistake - i think it haunts most of those that have decided to do it.  not all, of course - but i really don't think that women in general choose to do this for the thrill of taking a human life...and agreed, that is what this is.  there are an unlimited number of people longing to adopt babies - healthy or otherwise -  and to "throw away" a viable fetus is obviously rubbing salt (albeit, unintentionally) into the open wounds of these people.

where i would waiver personally would be in being told that i was forced to carry a baby that i could never feel, hear, see or touch without knowing that it was the result of evil and of violence. i am fully aware that this was not the baby's choice.  i am fully aware that having an abortion would still be an incredibly selfish act on my part.  i am just saying this is where i would consider it.  i believe that, if anyone, men or women, could transport their minds to a reality where the person they love with all of their being is growing a child that belongs to a) some sick fuck that brutally raped her - or to make it even  more personal; b) to their father-in-law; their brother-in-law, their own brother, their own son, their own father, whatever...a child that, with every (innocent, granted) breath and movement reminds them both of the evil that placed it there...then, they might be able to get a glimpse at what i feel at the thought of carrying that baby to term.  i'm not saying it's right, i'm simply saying it's how i feel and the one occasion that i might possibly consider having an abortion.  i wouldn't know for sure until that became my reality.  my point is, we can never know what we would do in someone else's shoes - we shouldn't try and pretend to know what even WE would do given a certain situation...we can have our opinions of course, but judging someone without knowing isn't fair.

i do believe these are little people, i do believe that they do not get fair representation, but i also believe that if someone takes that ultimate right to choose from me, everyone loses.  i do believe that women who abort more than one fetus due to carelessness, lack of responsibility and/or simply not-give-a-shit-ability should probably be sterilized - but that's a whole 'nuva can of peas.

if you choose to watch the video, steel yourselves.  i don't care what side of this debate you are on - this is horrific.*

*see above regarding video

on that note, i do have a question of you.  keeping in mind that i'm not exactly ever asked to write a parenting handbook (i know); i'm considering showing this to my kids.  what do you think?  the boys are well into their teens and very aware of sex.  (ugh.)  i think they can handle it.  the girl is only 11 and probably too young to be exposed to the realities of this, i realize that.  my initial reaction was no fucking way, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that this IS a reality, this IS a possible decision they face one day.  wouldn't showing them and talking about the reality of it be a better condom than the good old strawberry-flavored, tingling, ribbed ultra?  i'm all about teaching my children the truth about everything...why hide this from them because it's too real?

ugh.

the unsettled, undefined feeling of needing a deep breath.  deeper.  not working.  i *hate* this.  no explanation really, probably a combination of things.  loved ones missed.  the monotony of what is the day ahead of me.  unresolved frustrations.  the fact that i battle with clinical depression depresses me.  just no joy today.  it happens.

do i welcome it and wallow, hoping it gets bored with me and finally leaves me in peace?  do i curl up with a book and hope to eventually sleep it off?  do i busy myself with shit i absolutely do not want to do in the hopes of shaking it off?  i never know how to deal with it.  just pray for it to subside without leaving scars.

i know what i can't do.  i can't make any type of consequential decision.  i tend to react to the panic by covering it in some form of immediate gratification - which often brings about the aforementioned scarring;  emotional fall-out, not physical,  i'm a head-case, not a complete freak.  not much else to say.

i know what i should do.  i should concentrate on the good things in my life - things like the fact that i'm not seriously ill.  that my children aren't seriously ill.  that the little shit subsides, eventually.  that i have a home and the love of some truly wonderful people.  why, on these days, isn't that enough to lift my spirits back to where they usually reside?

jeebus, this music isn't helping - fucking Bread - there's a start in shit-canning that crap.

let us recap...shall we?

3:06am:  i hear Fat-Pat-the-Androgynous-Cat digging at the carpet under my bedroom door.  probably, her lard ass has eaten all of the food in the house, sampled a few non-food items and dammit she's not full.  i launch a roll of tissue missile-like at the door to scare her, where it lands after a quite-a-bit-less-than-spectacular *whuf* against the wall next to the door.  yea, i kinda rock my own world like that.  the ever-vigilant Winston goes on full alert and stands guard at the door, refusing get back to his bed.

3:08am: lights out, pillows in place, t-shirt over my face, all is right in my world.

3:08:15am: *scratch scratch*  fuck me.

3:19am:  i give up trying to sleep - it's hopeless due to images in my brain consisting of various methods in which to kill each one of my animals.  by now i'm stressed and pissed...sleep is not a viable option.  lights on, kindle out, glasses found - reading commences.

4:22am:  *YAWN*  sweet sleep is within reach...lights out, pillows in place...blah, blah, blah.

4:31am:  fuck it - laying here is stupid, i have things to do...i can always take a nap.  lights on...first things first; start coffee.  check email.  squirrel, even though i promised myself i was only checking my email.  read about something political and start to get stressed again...move on to frontierville.  sweet, brainless frontierville. algebraic equation of the day:  "coffee + sleeping children + frontierville = temporary sanity".

5:03am: i find myself in my closet wondering who the fuck bought all these clothes 2 sizes too small, i have nothing to wear.  screw it - i love my jams.  hey, while i'm in here...

5:27am: closet purged a bit - starting to wake up.  gonna start some laundry.  follow me here, this gets tricky:  having gathered a massive pile of things that need washing and balanced my coffee cup on top, using my teeth to hold it in place, i open my door and call to Winston to get his lazy ass off the bed...we're heading out.  he's rather exasperated with me...he must be - he looks at me with his "are you serious right now?  it's still dark outside and i just got comfy...are we going out and staying out this time, because this back and forth shit is for the birds.  make up your mind and COMMIT, woman" face.  a few more coaxing gestures and he resignedly drags his ass out from under his soft yellow (read: pussy girl) blanket, stands in the middle of the hallway (balanced equidistant between all bedrooms containing sleeping [read: QUIET] children) and does the world's most annoying shake known to man.  dog tags on a shaking dog make the most infuriating sound when your temporary sanity is being permanently threatened.

5:28am:  something falls from the laundry pile in my hands - of course.  i can't tell what it is - i'll grab it with my toes and kick/carry it to the laundry room.  still balancing my coffee, mind you.  i hit where the carpet meets tile in the entryway and feel what must be a 4 inch long rusty heroin needle (known in some circles as a carpet tack) drive through the heel of my right, probably-panty-or-sock-carrying, foot.  mutherfucker, i *HAAAAATE* that. i grab the coffee with a hand to keep from spilling it as i hop on one foot, hoping with very little hope that i don't bleed out right there where my children will find me buried under a heap of dirty laundry (which could take days...jus'sayin - my kids sure as hell steer damn clear of touching any form of dirty laundry).

5:28:52am:  and then more clothes fall to the floor.  blood pressure spike is definitely in the immediate forecast.

5:29am (time is approximate due to a temporary blackout):  the fucking PSYCHO orange cat has ONCE AGAIN pushed over the self-watering container in her attempt to "catch" the bubbles that appear in the jug as she drinks the water.  have i ever mentioned how my kitchen floor turns into a freaking sheet of ice with just one drop of water?  yea, well...jeebus, mark and christopher, my life is such a fucking joke.  the momentary lapse of consciousness comes from my head hitting the floor, as clothes and coffee spew into a roughly 5 foot radius before me.

5:35am (again with the time approximation): i laugh/cry/wimper/snort my way to my feet, gather the laundry - resourcefully using a dirty towel to mop up coffee - and make my way to the laundry room without further incident...which is truly amazing at this point given that it was a whole 3 feet away.

7:01am:  the chitlins have stirred without being shaken and i feel better having, once again, shared the ridiculousness of this moment in time in the Easy Life, and then eaten half of a bottle of aleve.  for the record - yes, i did consider the half-full bottle of wine sitting on my counter as my pain-reliever of choice, but figured with this kind of start, probably i will have an even stronger need for that in a few hours.

martinez-out, bitches.