need...

interesting thing, need.  the definition of it goes something like this:  that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; a condition that requires relief.  (ok, it goes exactly like that. hush.)



according to some dude (who may or may not have shit for brains, but definitely had way too much time on his hands) named abraham maslow, as humans, we all have a set of needs.   they are ordered by importance to our survival of mind, body and soul.  maslow's five levels of need are presented here copied and pasted as to not interfere with my need to not type all this shit out:

Physiological Needs
These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

Security Needs
These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from the environment. 

Social Needs
These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Maslow considered these needs to be less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community or religious groups.

Esteem Needs
After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs
This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling their potential.

Only unsatisfied needs are motivators. Once a need is satisfied, the next level emerges as a motivator...ok, enough of the big girl talk - still with me?

the reason i bring this up has a lot to do with the post i made yesterday about feeling like i'm spinning my wheels as far as my kids go.  thinking further on it led me to realize that being needed is exhausting.  i don't mean just my kids, i mean lots of people in my life need me. ok so it sounds, once again, like i'm stuffed out the ass with myself - but stick with me and see if i can make it clearer.

as an individual and as an adult, my needs are my responsibility, but i may look to others on occasion for backup and/or validation...ultimately though i should mostly have my shit together by now.

• i'm not nearly as needy as i used to be.  i've grown to understand that no one else is responsible for my happiness.  the actions of others can cause me pain and/or grief, but they can also bring joy and/or laughter.  bottom line is the length of time i allow their actions to affect me, positively or negatively, is up to me. i still get needy on occasion but i work hard to recognize it and seek out someone that doesn't mind letting me need them for awhile.  at times, if none of those people are available to me, i definitely become a pain in the ass for some poor sap. my individual neediness is about a 2 out of 10 (10 being as needy as a lone wingless baby bat the middle of the desert, in the middle of summer, in the middle of the day.  you feelin me?)     (+2.0) 

*pay attention, we're keeping track, lol - when i need someone else, it's a positive number, when they need me, it's a negative number.*

as a mother, my role is to help my kids with all 5 of their need levels.  now that mine are older, they no longer need me for the first, they have that down.  they do, however still look to me for the other 4 - some kids more than others and some needs more than others.  this was my commitment to them when i bore them, it is mandatory. it is, at least to some degree, lifelong and it is my first and most important responsibility.  when they are able to handle most of their personal needs on their own, then i become a backup and reinforcer  when necessary.

• make no mistake, my children can suck the absolute will to live out of me some days with their needs.  most of them are of an age where they have the first three levels of need down. level three is still somewhat on-going and levels four and five are constant works in progress.  but just because they are capable handling a lot of their needs on their own, doesn't mean they always recognize it.  sometimes it's so much easier to revert and defer to the parent.  i get this, i still do it on occasion with my mom.  my point is, the lazier or the more insecure the child, the greater chance of revert and defer.  my children are NOT insecure, but they are still rather unnecessarily needy...their need scales are much higher - probably they are an 8, a 7.5 and a 6.5, for an average around 7.       (-7.3)  
• my personal need as a mother runs about a 2 out of 10 (perhaps i would be less frustrated as a parent if i were needier and sought more help, but hey.),  i don't need a lot, but when i do, i run to my mom - remember that one is lifetime.      (+2.0)

as a partner-lover-friend, my role is to, hopefully only, subsidize these needs in my partner when i can.  this is also lifelong and mandatory. hopefully i've selected someone who has most of their needs already met by the time i come along. 

• here, i finally have my shit together. after 45 years, 2 marriages and countless fuckups, thank you GOD!  now, i can only take some of the credit in finally becoming a secure, confident, capable, trustworthy and loyal partner/lover/friend...but i do have to give props to those i have spent time with in the past.  they showed me some of the right things to do and some of the wrong things to do - regardless, i paid attention and i learned.  i still deal with PMS on occasion, so i'm a bit needier at times, lol.      (+2.0)
• the other half of the equation though, is who we choose to spend our lives with as a partner/lover/friend.  if you choose someone that treats you like shit, your esteem needs are going to be harder to meet, not to mention your love and potential-finding needs. i happen to have a partner/lover/friend who is very secure in who he is and in his relationship with me. neither of us is seriously lacking in the need department as far as our relationship goes.     (-1.5)

as a family member, my role is to help other family members with a need level now and then.  if a member of my family (not my children) comes to me with a need, i do what i can to help, but it is not my sole responsibility to hold that person's hand leading them through life in search of the fulfillment of their needs. i'm simply a temporary guide if and when they need one.

• my family member-self pretty much saw the writing on the wall years ago and got the fuck out, lol...i love my family dearly and i love knowing - without a doubt - that they are there for me IF i need them, as they know i am for them...but honestly, we rarely call upon each other - i need my ma a bit more than my dad or brothers as she is still guiding me through my personal mom thing.     (+2.0)
• i would say my family is somewhat needy only in that they need someone to pull them all together - an organizer, if you will.  that was me and i've all but let that go.  the older they get, the harder it is and the more resistance i get.  i now just kind of sit back and let them come to me and they rarely do.   (-2.0)

as a friend, i believe my role is a combination of  my partner and family roles.  subsidize their needs and help to guide when i can on a temporary basis.

• here, i'm not all that needy either...i have different friends i go to for different things, it is a very well-rounded group that i've surrounded myself with.  i don't think i lean on any one person more than any other - just different people for different things.    (+2.0)
• they have varying levels of neediness from 8's down to a 2, so i'll average it.    (-5.0)

my point is, i'm not incredibly needy - i'm a pretty consistent 2 out of 10 - towards pretty much everyone i have a relationship with.  that's a one-on-one basis...one of me needing one of them.
the need level of the average person i have a relationship with is a 4, but the range is from as high as 8 down to a low of 2... and there's a lot of them, lol. 

not too surprising is that the area that i am most needed is as a mom and then as a friend.  my partner and family members are pretty consistently low maintenance.

what i discovered after analyzing all of this was that when i stopped and learned about the different kinds of need, i was amazed at how differently i was able to see these people that i have relationships with.  if i can pinpoint their individual need levels, maybe i can be a better mom/partner/family member/friend for them. right now i'm just exhausted and overwhelmed by it all, but it will pass and hopefully, i will emerge with a better understanding of what each one of them needs and how i can be of real help to them.  some may only need me to step off so they can stand on their own a bit more, some may need more from me than i realized and i will have to address that when the time comes. 

need is necessary to some extent, i get that.  need is a natural function of the human psyche, i get that.  need is not the same thing for every one, i get that.  what i don't get is why i'm so fucking tired of being needed...perhaps i would miss it if no one were to need me anymore?  i'm not sure, but i don't think i need to be needed.  i think being loved and appreciated is enough for me.  maybe i'm wrong. maybe time will tell.

i'm sorry, is that the sound of you bleeding out?

have you ever had one of those days where you go from simply 'pissy' to full blown 'bitch' in about 22.3 seconds?  i want to blame my lazy-ass, don't-give-a-shit, it's-all-about-me kids, but i'm not sure that's fair.

what the FUCK am i talking about - of course it's fair.  i keep running through my head "you'll miss them when they are gone" or, "you'll wish for a loud messy house again, just to have the kids back home" but i truly believe that will pan out to be the biggest crock of horse shit known to man, once it's all said and done.  hopefully i'm wrong, i just really doubt it.

as much as i love my kids - they are a huge pain in the ass.  they are lazy, they mess up neat areas for no apparent reason, they break things that they shouldn't even be touching, they make messes simply passing through a room., they destroy things - they have ruined carpet, clothes, walls, blinds, cabinets, fences, plants... all seemingly without a care in the world...they are expensive, they complain when asked to do simple routine things - then they do a shitty job, they have selective hearing, they have selective sight, they have selective brain power.   they are expected to do well in school - they are smart people.  really smart.  until they run across a subject they don't particularly care for - one child might be math or reading, another child might despise physical exercise.  then there's the one that hates anything even remotely related to school and actually shows enthusiasm when he gets detention because his girlfriend is hanging out in there too.  also probably for not giving a shit about anything related to school. terrific.

here is where most of you say "there's your problem, dumbass"  and i don't really care.  sock it to me. here goes:  my kids eventually get pretty much anything they ask for...they have phones, computers, game consoles up the wazoo, ipods - like i said, pretty much whatever they ask for. and sure, they are supposed to maintain decent grades (some do, some don't), they have chores around the house they should be doing without being asked (uh...never), they have rooms to keep somewhat inhabitable (only when my head spins around and i spew hot asphalt tar from my nose), but my definition of that must be completely ridiculous, because they can never seem to hit that mark for more than 10 or 15 minutes.  my point is they rarely apply themselves to doing things the right way.  after nagging and bitching at them about it for days, they look at me like i'm insane and irrational when i finally get pissed.

i really don't ask much of them.  i acknowledge that  most of the reason they are who they are is because of me and who i am.  i see my own shortcomings in them daily - i can be very lazy and look for shortcuts.  what i battle with is that more than anything, i want my kids to be kids...i want them to be happy and experience a kid's life before becoming bogged down with grown-up shit.  but i also want them to someday be adults that people actually want to be around for an extended period of time.  why is it so hard for me to find a middle ground, something between being a helpless needy little kid and a slovenly teenager with frakken ADD?  i mostly make them come back and pick up after themselves when they leave shit laying around or make a mess of some sort.  yes, it is easier for me to throw or put away their crap, but i feel like i need to make a point.  i figure if i get on their nerves enough they'll pick up after themselves for no other reason than not having to hear the sound of my devil-woman screech anymore.  alas, i tire of it before they seem to.

i have a child that begged and pleaded for a fish tank and finally got one with the understanding that it was their responsibility to maintain.  yea, the tank is half full right now, making GOD-awful sucking noises from a lack of water for the filter and contains 2 out of the original 10 fish.  what do i do?  do i say fuck it, and hope the last 2 fish die quickly?  do i take this child by the hand - once AGAIN - and show them how to prepare the water and fill the tank? what do i do?

i have another child that managed to spill hot liquid RED wax in their room.  not just on the carpet, not just on the white baseboards, not even just on the stucco walls - the wax is splattered throughout a roughly 9 square foot area, covering books, clothes and furniture, in addition to the other things mentioned. did i mention that the wax is RED? why, you ask, did this child have hot liquid RED wax in their bedroom?  good fucking question.

i have yet another child who's office 'workspace' is covered with candy wrappers, water bottles, dishes, cd's, dvd's, mxc's (no clue, just made that shit up)...you name it, it's on the desk in there.  have i asked them to clean it up?  of course.  have i cleaned it up myself on occasion?  of course. have i threatened to burn it down if it wasn't kept clean?  probably so, now that i think about it. is it still a mess in there as i type?  absolutely.

seriously, what in GOD'S name made me think i could actually handle raising children?  the baby/young part was easy...i loved it when they were small and defenseless and messy and whiney.  THAT was rewarding.  this...really, not so much.

i'm overwhelmed and probably pms'ing.  i have summer vacation approaching in 2 1/2 weeks and these little bastards are going to put up or...no, no 'or'...i'm starting a list, i'm not even going to check it twice - i know who's been lazy and who's going to have a whip cracked on their ass.  i'm not a horrible parent.  my kids are good kids, but they are even lazier than i am.  i pray that ultimately, Lord willing, they will emerge as kind, albeit not organized or clean, adults...someday.  but the next person that tells me to "be sure and enjoy them at this age because it all goes so fast", can pluck my mexican-by-injection switchblade out of their carotid and then kiss my ever-loving frustrated big ass.