so you may not find this nearly as funny as i did...but the other day my girl calls me from school to tell me that she has destroyed yet another pair of shoes (this is two and it's the third week of school) and to ask me if i would bring her another pair. she's in the office waiting for me, could i please hurry?
so, i'm in the middle of doing maybe 7 things, but she needs me so i wrap up what i can, drop what i can't, dig around for some shoes and then some socks (not an easy task), head to the car maybe 7 minutes after she called me. i get to the school and can't find anywhere to park - what the hell, seriously? i'm a little bit stressed cause i'm late and don't want her to miss her lunch. i manage to park maybe two freakin blocks away and am making my way to the office as quickly as possible in the 107 degree heat...suffice it to say, i'm not a happy camper.
i get to the office (an absolutely sweaty crabby mess) and find her patiently waiting for me, she's reading a book and swinging her long skinny legs back and forth from the chair. there is a little (albeit husky) boy sitting a couple of chairs down from her and she explains to me that he is waiting for his mom to bring him shoes too. weird huh? i have my keys in my right hand and her shoes, my purse and her socks in my left. i take the pair of socks in my right hand along with my keys and give them a good hard shake to break them free of each other (you know how you fold socks together? yea that.) as i flip the socks downward, somewhere in the depths of my brain i become aware of a yellow missile-type object flying through the air and it seems to be headed directly towards the little (albeit husky) boy. he suddenly yelps and grabs his eye with both hands and falls dramatically to the floor. as he is writhing on the ground, i realize that whatever the flying object was has hit him on the right eye. poor kid was just sitting there minding his own business, waiting for his shoes and here he gets assaulted -by a mom no less- in the one place on campus you'd think you'd be safe.
i take a peek around the office and realize no one has seen this but my eagle-eyed, smartass daughter who promptly rolls her eyes at me and shouts "oh, way to go, mom." little snot. so, the boy gets up off the floor, still holding his eye and looks at me with pretty much a "what the hell was that for?" look on his face, bends down under his chair and retrieves my burt's bees lip balm that is usually held by a neoprene sleeve on my keyring. he walks it over to me and says, absolutely no shit, "ma'am, i think this is yours." huh...who is this ma'am you speak of and how in the hell did THAT get over there? apparently, when i flipped the socks, it launched and hit him square in the eye.
what are the odds, seriously? i had visions of doing the ben stiller/evil counselor neck-slice-tell-on-me-and-you-die thing from happy gilmore at him behind his mom's back if she showed up before i could leave. but when she did walk in not 2 minutes later, instead of threatening him with death or of explaining to her that i was responsible for her child's drippy red eye, i got the hell out of there before he could tell on me. my word against his baby - you'll never get me coppah, see?